There is so much said about the position, rights and safety of women in our society. Yet, there seems to be ever going incidences of violence against women at their own homes. Or may be, such kind of incidences are coming to light more often than they used to in earlier days. Perhaps, then, women used to take it for granted that they would NOT be treated nicely once they left their parents' home. What I do not understand is why we have been putting up with this nonsensical behavior towards us and still do? Why do we not have the courage to say goodbye when we become a victim to domestic violence the first time? Of course, there are reasons and justifications, and someone will say every one's situation is different. But in my opinion, all said and done, we women are weak to stand up for ourselves. All through our lives, we stand up for others - parents, husband, in-laws, kids. But when it comes to fighting for our own rights, we lose courage and confidence.
The first thought that comes to a woman's mind after her husband/in-laws hit her is - may be it was MY fault; may be they were too angry; may be this is just a one-off incidence...and so begins the perfect plan of laying down and taking it. This results in severe consequences - increase in frequency and intensity of 'abuse'; plus, effect on our self-esteem. Every now and then, there is a suicide or murder, resulting from abusive behavior, about which we read in the newspaper, discuss for few days and forget.
There is one woman who, after her son hit his wife, commented "Who takes beating laying low these days. Today's women are too modern." When I heard this, I wanted to slap this woman hard across her face and let her take the beating for everyone else, as she was so keen on justifying the violence! Women like her take various roles in our society - the meddlesome, dominating mother-in-law, the greedy or sleazy sister-in-law, the blood-sucking boss etc. and then, they start the crusade of torturing other women by manipulating circumstances and men whom they can influence. Yes, more than men, women are responsible for being treated the way they are in our society. And this is going to continue until women decide to stop it altogether. We have to take strong steps towards those who harass us in any manner, even if it means taking the wrath of the so-called conservationists in the society.
And mind you, harassment is not only physical, it is mental too. In fact, the latter is more dangerous than the former. First, it is not very obvious to the onlookers and second, we manage to convince ourselves (or may be the person insulting us does) that probably we are over reacting to some jokes, we can't take criticism etc. But then, think about it. If your husband constantly tells you that you are no good for anything, you don't know how to cook, how to clean etc etc; if your mother-in-law always makes a point of criticising you in front of a number of guests; your brother-in-law is always on the lookout for some extra 'favor', isn't that harassment as well? And to top it all, these 'jokes' always manage to make you and your family seem like shit. Then, I think, it is high time you paid attention to your own feelings rather than listening and blindly believing to the crap that you are too sensitive or you don't have a sense of humor!
In the end, it is I who is responsible for the life I create for myself, it is I who has to fight against wrong being done to me and it is I who is to be blamed if I lose courage in the moment of decision.
To all women out there who are suffering in silence, I beseech you to end this violence and save yourself from the suffering. Stand up for yourself and make a good life for you and your loved ones - kids and parents! For, if a mother or a daughter suffers, it not only spoils her life, but also that of those who genuinely care for her and those who look upon her to provide them with a meaning to their lives. Think about it.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Monday, April 19, 2010
How I became a Writer
I was always creative, even as a child. At the age of ten, I wrote a few short stories. But I was too shy to show it to my parents or teachers. All I did was narrate them to my sis and cousins; and since they were all younger to me, I did not get much input from them. So, in absence of any motivation to continue writing, I quit after a few attempts. Though whenever there was a contest at school, I tried my hand at writing; but I never took it too seriously.
In my teenage years, there was a poetry writing competition held at my school. I got some ‘consolation prize’ and my poetry was much appreciated by my teacher of English. She went to the extent of calling me a ‘born poetess’ and was I flattered! Needless to say, this admiration inspired me to compose more poems and I became a poetess. In the beginning, I started off with simple and superficial poems. Later, my poetry became complex and deep. I wrote on life, inspiration, nature, emotions and patriotism. I also composed some romantic poems but did not show them to anyone, for the fear that they might wrongly assume me being in the influence of love (being from a traditional family, I was not allowed to fall in love before marriage). So whatever romantic poems I wrote, I hid them. Sometimes, I even used to tear them off and throw them away. I now wish I had a computer at that time so that I could have preserved my work. Though I did compose quite a few poems and still have them with me, there are a number I have lost. After I got married, there was no restriction to compose love poems, so I composed a number of such poems and used to give them to husband to read. Many a times, he appreciated and I composed more. But after some time, my interest in poetry faded away, and I stopped writing about a couple of years ago. Perhaps, something to do with my state of mind, or may be I simply lost the creativity to express myself in prose. Also, if you feel like writing poetry, you HAVE to write whenever it comes to your mind, otherwise words are lost. And this kind of urgency is sometimes not possible with young kids. So that was the end of the poetess in me. Since then, all poetry I have composed is a few lullabies and may be one or two poems for my kids.
Meanwhile, after the birth of my daughter, I started keeping a diary for her. I wanted to keep a year book, but the writer in me wanted to experiment with words, not pictures. So, I started writing to my daughter. It was not a typical diary, but more like personal letters addressed to her telling her about what was going on with her and me, and how she was growing. I continued this for about 2.5 years and had planned to do something similar for my son, who was six months then. But then I realized, if I wrote two such diaries, it would be just repetition (and double the work, for which, unfortunately, I could not find time) and if I wrote only one, I would be unfair to my son. So I decided to stop it altogether!
Then, through a friend I got introduced to blogging. I read many people’s blogs and noticed they wrote about anything and everything. There was no restriction on the writing style, topics, content etc. It was just like an online diary, or even a scrapbook of your thoughts. Since the writer in me was getting itchy again, I started blogging. In the beginning, I was apprehensive about opening myself up on an online forum where the information would be visible to anyone who wished to have it; but then, these doubts melted away. And as I wrote more, I realized how easy it was to express myself through writing.
When I quit my job to move to Qatar and started staying at home full time, the blogs became more frequent as it was my respite from the routine household chores. The day I got my first follower, I was very happy…someone was interested in reading what I wrote! Since then, I have sent the link to my blog to many people and they come back to read it, which means progress, however small. Alongside blogging, I am trying to write a novel. I mention trying as it is coming out slow and I keep changing certain details. Perhaps, this form of writing will help me improve my skills.
My daughter has now started demanding to listen to new stories every night before going to sleep, and I do not narrate to her the traditional ones as I want to eliminate any details which she is too small to understand. So, I have started composing short stories now…talk about coming a full circle in life!
My first work got published in the magazine ‘The Woman’ just a couple of months back. And now, I am officially a writer. Do you know how it feels when you dream, lose it on the way and then find it back again; and if the dream has now become a reality? It feels awesome! Many people who have made me realize my dream are not even here to share my joy. Yet, I feel grateful to them and wish I could tell them I do.
In my teenage years, there was a poetry writing competition held at my school. I got some ‘consolation prize’ and my poetry was much appreciated by my teacher of English. She went to the extent of calling me a ‘born poetess’ and was I flattered! Needless to say, this admiration inspired me to compose more poems and I became a poetess. In the beginning, I started off with simple and superficial poems. Later, my poetry became complex and deep. I wrote on life, inspiration, nature, emotions and patriotism. I also composed some romantic poems but did not show them to anyone, for the fear that they might wrongly assume me being in the influence of love (being from a traditional family, I was not allowed to fall in love before marriage). So whatever romantic poems I wrote, I hid them. Sometimes, I even used to tear them off and throw them away. I now wish I had a computer at that time so that I could have preserved my work. Though I did compose quite a few poems and still have them with me, there are a number I have lost. After I got married, there was no restriction to compose love poems, so I composed a number of such poems and used to give them to husband to read. Many a times, he appreciated and I composed more. But after some time, my interest in poetry faded away, and I stopped writing about a couple of years ago. Perhaps, something to do with my state of mind, or may be I simply lost the creativity to express myself in prose. Also, if you feel like writing poetry, you HAVE to write whenever it comes to your mind, otherwise words are lost. And this kind of urgency is sometimes not possible with young kids. So that was the end of the poetess in me. Since then, all poetry I have composed is a few lullabies and may be one or two poems for my kids.
Meanwhile, after the birth of my daughter, I started keeping a diary for her. I wanted to keep a year book, but the writer in me wanted to experiment with words, not pictures. So, I started writing to my daughter. It was not a typical diary, but more like personal letters addressed to her telling her about what was going on with her and me, and how she was growing. I continued this for about 2.5 years and had planned to do something similar for my son, who was six months then. But then I realized, if I wrote two such diaries, it would be just repetition (and double the work, for which, unfortunately, I could not find time) and if I wrote only one, I would be unfair to my son. So I decided to stop it altogether!
Then, through a friend I got introduced to blogging. I read many people’s blogs and noticed they wrote about anything and everything. There was no restriction on the writing style, topics, content etc. It was just like an online diary, or even a scrapbook of your thoughts. Since the writer in me was getting itchy again, I started blogging. In the beginning, I was apprehensive about opening myself up on an online forum where the information would be visible to anyone who wished to have it; but then, these doubts melted away. And as I wrote more, I realized how easy it was to express myself through writing.
When I quit my job to move to Qatar and started staying at home full time, the blogs became more frequent as it was my respite from the routine household chores. The day I got my first follower, I was very happy…someone was interested in reading what I wrote! Since then, I have sent the link to my blog to many people and they come back to read it, which means progress, however small. Alongside blogging, I am trying to write a novel. I mention trying as it is coming out slow and I keep changing certain details. Perhaps, this form of writing will help me improve my skills.
My daughter has now started demanding to listen to new stories every night before going to sleep, and I do not narrate to her the traditional ones as I want to eliminate any details which she is too small to understand. So, I have started composing short stories now…talk about coming a full circle in life!
My first work got published in the magazine ‘The Woman’ just a couple of months back. And now, I am officially a writer. Do you know how it feels when you dream, lose it on the way and then find it back again; and if the dream has now become a reality? It feels awesome! Many people who have made me realize my dream are not even here to share my joy. Yet, I feel grateful to them and wish I could tell them I do.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Everyday Heroes
“A good teacher is like a candle - it consumes itself to light the way for others”. How often have we heard this saying; and how often have we stopped and thought about it? It is a teacher who first introduces us to ourselves. We start learning what we are and what we like because of our teachers. We start asking questions because they encourage us to; we start observing our surroundings more closely because they make it more interesting.
My dad used to narrate a story of one of his teacher who was an example of the true self-sacrificing image of a guru. The board examinations in India fall in the month of March when it used to be pretty chilly in the villages in the morning. This teacher used to wake up early in the morning on each examination day and prepare tea for all his students living in the village. Then he used to walk several kilometers from his own house to the students’ dwellings to wake each student up and deliver tea to him, so that they had ample time to revise their syllabus. How many people have that much of dedication towards their work! Though this teacher is no more now, yet all his students remember him with immense respect and fondness. When he died, there were queues of cars from his house to the outside of the village, which was about 10 km away. This shows how much he had meant to his pupils!
I am reminded of my professor in English in college. He was the ultimate gentleman and the perfect teacher. As soon as he entered a classroom full of students, he could tell the exact number of pupils present. So strong was his observation! When he was in interrupted in the middle of a sentence by a student, after answering the student’s question, he could pick up the sentence exactly from where he left it. This is something that awed me and I inculcated this habit into myself.
When the examinations results were announced, he was shocked to see that almost everyone in the class got same marks, and even his favorite student, I, scored as others. All of us were also astonished, as this meant that there had been no proper checking of our answer sheets. But unlike other teachers, who used to say that they cannot interfere with the university’s processes, professor did not accept things like this. He immediately called the university and reprimanded the concerned people. He told them if they did not know how to differentiate between a student with good language skills and that with average skills, they should not be holding such important offices. They had no right to toy with the students’ futures. This might have been a first in our university; and people paid attention. Next time examination results saw clear distinction between students’ marks in English paper.
I learnt later that once some thieves had entered in his house and pointed a gun at him. And our professor did not get scared even for a moment (most people especially at his age would). Rather, he challenged the thief and said to him, “If you had guts to shoot, you would not be pointing this gun at an old man. I dare you, you can’t shoot at me. So just get out my house.” And the thieves really left his house and him alone! When I got to know of this, I thought what if the robber had shot him. But then, I imagined him standing there; staring at the already scared burglar, and talking in his imposing voice, I had little doubt what choice anyone would have. I always respected him for being a wonderful teacher, after that I started appreciating him as a courageous person. When I fear something, I think about this incidence and get strength to face it.
There were other teachers who come to my mind when I reminisce about my school days. There was my English subject teacher in high school, who used to find time to go through my poetry and edit it. She always had encouraging words for me. It was because of her that I continued composing poetry for a long time. Then, there was our Biology teacher. It is because of him I started loving the subject. My Physics teacher in class 7; my Hindi and History teachers in class 10 have a special place in my heart.
It is not Teacher’s Day today, but do we really need a specific day to thank the people, who, along with our parents, have a big hand in shaping our characters and future. I thank all my teachers who made a difference.
My dad used to narrate a story of one of his teacher who was an example of the true self-sacrificing image of a guru. The board examinations in India fall in the month of March when it used to be pretty chilly in the villages in the morning. This teacher used to wake up early in the morning on each examination day and prepare tea for all his students living in the village. Then he used to walk several kilometers from his own house to the students’ dwellings to wake each student up and deliver tea to him, so that they had ample time to revise their syllabus. How many people have that much of dedication towards their work! Though this teacher is no more now, yet all his students remember him with immense respect and fondness. When he died, there were queues of cars from his house to the outside of the village, which was about 10 km away. This shows how much he had meant to his pupils!
I am reminded of my professor in English in college. He was the ultimate gentleman and the perfect teacher. As soon as he entered a classroom full of students, he could tell the exact number of pupils present. So strong was his observation! When he was in interrupted in the middle of a sentence by a student, after answering the student’s question, he could pick up the sentence exactly from where he left it. This is something that awed me and I inculcated this habit into myself.
When the examinations results were announced, he was shocked to see that almost everyone in the class got same marks, and even his favorite student, I, scored as others. All of us were also astonished, as this meant that there had been no proper checking of our answer sheets. But unlike other teachers, who used to say that they cannot interfere with the university’s processes, professor did not accept things like this. He immediately called the university and reprimanded the concerned people. He told them if they did not know how to differentiate between a student with good language skills and that with average skills, they should not be holding such important offices. They had no right to toy with the students’ futures. This might have been a first in our university; and people paid attention. Next time examination results saw clear distinction between students’ marks in English paper.
I learnt later that once some thieves had entered in his house and pointed a gun at him. And our professor did not get scared even for a moment (most people especially at his age would). Rather, he challenged the thief and said to him, “If you had guts to shoot, you would not be pointing this gun at an old man. I dare you, you can’t shoot at me. So just get out my house.” And the thieves really left his house and him alone! When I got to know of this, I thought what if the robber had shot him. But then, I imagined him standing there; staring at the already scared burglar, and talking in his imposing voice, I had little doubt what choice anyone would have. I always respected him for being a wonderful teacher, after that I started appreciating him as a courageous person. When I fear something, I think about this incidence and get strength to face it.
There were other teachers who come to my mind when I reminisce about my school days. There was my English subject teacher in high school, who used to find time to go through my poetry and edit it. She always had encouraging words for me. It was because of her that I continued composing poetry for a long time. Then, there was our Biology teacher. It is because of him I started loving the subject. My Physics teacher in class 7; my Hindi and History teachers in class 10 have a special place in my heart.
It is not Teacher’s Day today, but do we really need a specific day to thank the people, who, along with our parents, have a big hand in shaping our characters and future. I thank all my teachers who made a difference.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Stop yelling at the Kids
Almost all parents will agree with me when I say that there are times when you simply cannot fight the urge to raise your voice at the kids, particularly young kids. I myself have struggled with anger when dealing with my 1 and 3 year olds. I was forced to take action to deal with it when my husband pointed out to me that my daughter has started yelling a lot as she was imitating me at the unconscious level. Here are the few important tips all parents can find helpful.
Take care of yourself
Let’s face it. We are cranky on some days as soon as we get up in the morning. My observation about myself and of other mothers brought out this to light. We are more irritable towards small things that kids do when we haven’t had a good night’s sleep or a healthy and filling breakfast. Skipping sleep and meal should never be an option for anyone, especially for mothers. We derive all the energy to go through the day from a good rest and a good meal. So sleep sound and eat well.
Sometimes, when you are feeling down for no reason, you can pep yourself up just by dressing stylishly and even putting on some nice hairdo. When you know you are looking good, you feel good and hence are less irritable.
Walk it Up
No, I am not talking about doing exercise. That is good in any circumstance; but what I am telling you is really important when dealing with your kids. When they are not in your sight, just move a bit and get to the place they are in. If you want to give some instruction to them, do it face-to-face rather than shouting from the kitchen, or some other room. This ensures that the kids are receptive to you and you yourself are speaking in a calm tone which in turn will make sure that you don’t lose it at the slightest hint.
It is irritating when you enter into the scene where the kids are already fighting and yelling and crying. But your shouting would really not help the situation; rather it would increase the general mood to petulant. So, just walk up to where you are standing facing them, and they will pay attention. It works most of the times with me. Try it and it might work for you too.
Be Aware of Emotions
When you are always aware of your emotions and feelings, you tend to be more in control of yourself. Awareness means defining to your mind what emotion you are feeling at the moment. There is no need to analyze and judge. When you start looking at your emotions as a third person, the intensity of the emotion fades away. Like, when I start sensing anger in myself, I observe it and tell myself I am feeling angry. Suddenly, I am not so angry and I can willingly change the emotion. The next thing I tell myself is that I am also feeling good about this awareness. That’s it. There goes the anger out of the window.
But you have to be careful with this in the sense that you should not repeat a negative emotion, like you should not keep telling yourself “I am angry. I am angry.” That will strengthen the anger. Just tell yourself once and then tell something else. This is the key.
The ‘3C’ Tactic
This is something I worked out myself. When I feel I am getting angry, I start reminding myself of the 3 Cs – calm, control and care. I tell myself I am calm and in control of my emotions and I care for the kids. This works like a magic. Sometimes, I just repeat it throughout the day, and it has got built into my subconscious mind. Now, as soon as anger surfaces, the ‘3C’ tactic triggers automatically.
Set Goals
When I started working at controlling the yelling, I failed miserably within the first 3 days. Then, on the 3rd day when I had yelled once, I told myself sternly that I was done for the day and whatever happens, there would be no more shouting for that day. And this I did for next 3 days. On the 4th subsequent day, I did not have the need to yell even once to tell myself that I was done for the day. So, if you cannot stop the yelling in one go, try limiting it. And slowly, when you see that the kids become more receptive when you are calm and other good effects, you will stop the screaming eventually.
Stop being the Perfectionist
When I did an introspection of myself, I realized most of my frustration came from within me and from the fact that I want everything to be perfect – perfectly clean house, impeccable dresses of kids, everything in its right place, no untidiness and no messing around. But it doesn’t work that way with small children. They will mess up things, they will spill food and beverages, and they will throw around their toys and clothes. So what? They are kids! Yes, that’s exactly what I told myself and since that day, these things started mattering less and less. The house can be cleaned later, things can be arranged afterwards, but once the kids grow up, they will never be kids again. As soon as you realize this, you will not feel angry at them for just being kids.
Do not Plan
Contrary to what some people might tell you, it is better not to plan ahead when you have young kids in the house. Almost always, your plans do not work out, leaving you feeling frustrated and the urge to yell when things don’t get done as you had wanted them to. This does not mean you cannot have a to-do list. You should but do not keep it time bound. And keep ticking off the items as and when you find time for them. When I do not plan exactly every hour of the day, I am more relaxed as there is no pressure to finish certain tasks at certain time and yet I find time to do everything that needs to be done. And I am always relaxed.
Do not Impose
One more thing that I realized as a result of analysis of my own self was that since I am very critical about myself and have expectations from myself, I tend to behave the same way with others, even the kids. I burdened them with my expectations and pushed them to behave like grown-ups for no reasons. Of course, they could not fulfill these responsibilities. And that made me furious. For example, I told them to keep their toys back before they went to sleep and I tried to make it a rule. Do kids ever follow rules? Well, so mine didn’t and that triggered yelling. So I stopped myself and changed my manner. I still ask them to keep their toys back, and either I or my husband helps them in that. Also, if they say an outright ‘no’ I just tell them that I will do it for them this time and next time, they should do it themselves because it’s a good thing to take care of their own things. They invariably start helping me instantly. So sometimes, it’s just the way you present it to the kids.
Keep it Brief and Clear
Kids do not understand complex sentences. If you want them to pay attention, just make it simple and brief, instead of rambling on about good manners, right and wrong etc. We might not realize this but all of us tend to ramble on and on when we are upset. The kids just shut you out at such a time. So tell them clearly and in short what you want them to do. Also, if you use lots of requesting words like please, could you etc., the kids appreciate the fact that you want their help and they rush to help you.
Get a Hobby
Find some time, even if it is only 10 minutes, during the day to do something that you really enjoy. It might be reading, writing, music, dance, bird-watching, anything in the world. Just do what you love for a few moments during the day and you will feel refreshed and relaxed. This will help you stay calm for the rest of the day. Remember, when you indulge yourself, you boost your sense of well-being and that helps control anger.
Acknowledge you are Humane
And finally, just know you are humane and hence, tend to slip sometimes. Once in a while, if you lose it, just let it be, and do not spend lots of time on worrying about it. The best thing to do in such a situation is to just walk up to the kids and confess that you were upset and you lost it; and you are extremely sorry for that. If you hug them and kiss them after a screaming session, they might just remember the latter. Just because they are kids, they will always forgive you and may be when they grow up, they will remember this and learn from you.
Take care of yourself
Let’s face it. We are cranky on some days as soon as we get up in the morning. My observation about myself and of other mothers brought out this to light. We are more irritable towards small things that kids do when we haven’t had a good night’s sleep or a healthy and filling breakfast. Skipping sleep and meal should never be an option for anyone, especially for mothers. We derive all the energy to go through the day from a good rest and a good meal. So sleep sound and eat well.
Sometimes, when you are feeling down for no reason, you can pep yourself up just by dressing stylishly and even putting on some nice hairdo. When you know you are looking good, you feel good and hence are less irritable.
Walk it Up
No, I am not talking about doing exercise. That is good in any circumstance; but what I am telling you is really important when dealing with your kids. When they are not in your sight, just move a bit and get to the place they are in. If you want to give some instruction to them, do it face-to-face rather than shouting from the kitchen, or some other room. This ensures that the kids are receptive to you and you yourself are speaking in a calm tone which in turn will make sure that you don’t lose it at the slightest hint.
It is irritating when you enter into the scene where the kids are already fighting and yelling and crying. But your shouting would really not help the situation; rather it would increase the general mood to petulant. So, just walk up to where you are standing facing them, and they will pay attention. It works most of the times with me. Try it and it might work for you too.
Be Aware of Emotions
When you are always aware of your emotions and feelings, you tend to be more in control of yourself. Awareness means defining to your mind what emotion you are feeling at the moment. There is no need to analyze and judge. When you start looking at your emotions as a third person, the intensity of the emotion fades away. Like, when I start sensing anger in myself, I observe it and tell myself I am feeling angry. Suddenly, I am not so angry and I can willingly change the emotion. The next thing I tell myself is that I am also feeling good about this awareness. That’s it. There goes the anger out of the window.
But you have to be careful with this in the sense that you should not repeat a negative emotion, like you should not keep telling yourself “I am angry. I am angry.” That will strengthen the anger. Just tell yourself once and then tell something else. This is the key.
The ‘3C’ Tactic
This is something I worked out myself. When I feel I am getting angry, I start reminding myself of the 3 Cs – calm, control and care. I tell myself I am calm and in control of my emotions and I care for the kids. This works like a magic. Sometimes, I just repeat it throughout the day, and it has got built into my subconscious mind. Now, as soon as anger surfaces, the ‘3C’ tactic triggers automatically.
Set Goals
When I started working at controlling the yelling, I failed miserably within the first 3 days. Then, on the 3rd day when I had yelled once, I told myself sternly that I was done for the day and whatever happens, there would be no more shouting for that day. And this I did for next 3 days. On the 4th subsequent day, I did not have the need to yell even once to tell myself that I was done for the day. So, if you cannot stop the yelling in one go, try limiting it. And slowly, when you see that the kids become more receptive when you are calm and other good effects, you will stop the screaming eventually.
Stop being the Perfectionist
When I did an introspection of myself, I realized most of my frustration came from within me and from the fact that I want everything to be perfect – perfectly clean house, impeccable dresses of kids, everything in its right place, no untidiness and no messing around. But it doesn’t work that way with small children. They will mess up things, they will spill food and beverages, and they will throw around their toys and clothes. So what? They are kids! Yes, that’s exactly what I told myself and since that day, these things started mattering less and less. The house can be cleaned later, things can be arranged afterwards, but once the kids grow up, they will never be kids again. As soon as you realize this, you will not feel angry at them for just being kids.
Do not Plan
Contrary to what some people might tell you, it is better not to plan ahead when you have young kids in the house. Almost always, your plans do not work out, leaving you feeling frustrated and the urge to yell when things don’t get done as you had wanted them to. This does not mean you cannot have a to-do list. You should but do not keep it time bound. And keep ticking off the items as and when you find time for them. When I do not plan exactly every hour of the day, I am more relaxed as there is no pressure to finish certain tasks at certain time and yet I find time to do everything that needs to be done. And I am always relaxed.
Do not Impose
One more thing that I realized as a result of analysis of my own self was that since I am very critical about myself and have expectations from myself, I tend to behave the same way with others, even the kids. I burdened them with my expectations and pushed them to behave like grown-ups for no reasons. Of course, they could not fulfill these responsibilities. And that made me furious. For example, I told them to keep their toys back before they went to sleep and I tried to make it a rule. Do kids ever follow rules? Well, so mine didn’t and that triggered yelling. So I stopped myself and changed my manner. I still ask them to keep their toys back, and either I or my husband helps them in that. Also, if they say an outright ‘no’ I just tell them that I will do it for them this time and next time, they should do it themselves because it’s a good thing to take care of their own things. They invariably start helping me instantly. So sometimes, it’s just the way you present it to the kids.
Keep it Brief and Clear
Kids do not understand complex sentences. If you want them to pay attention, just make it simple and brief, instead of rambling on about good manners, right and wrong etc. We might not realize this but all of us tend to ramble on and on when we are upset. The kids just shut you out at such a time. So tell them clearly and in short what you want them to do. Also, if you use lots of requesting words like please, could you etc., the kids appreciate the fact that you want their help and they rush to help you.
Get a Hobby
Find some time, even if it is only 10 minutes, during the day to do something that you really enjoy. It might be reading, writing, music, dance, bird-watching, anything in the world. Just do what you love for a few moments during the day and you will feel refreshed and relaxed. This will help you stay calm for the rest of the day. Remember, when you indulge yourself, you boost your sense of well-being and that helps control anger.
Acknowledge you are Humane
And finally, just know you are humane and hence, tend to slip sometimes. Once in a while, if you lose it, just let it be, and do not spend lots of time on worrying about it. The best thing to do in such a situation is to just walk up to the kids and confess that you were upset and you lost it; and you are extremely sorry for that. If you hug them and kiss them after a screaming session, they might just remember the latter. Just because they are kids, they will always forgive you and may be when they grow up, they will remember this and learn from you.
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Children's Park
When you want to see many happy and content faces at a time, pay a visit to the children's park. It is a wonderful place to observe people, even adults, in a relaxed mode. You won't find any kid crying or any adult stressed at such a place; except of course that kid who is being ushered back home against his/her will. Then, you might see a full-blown tantrum or a really loud and piercing cry. Well, I and my husband are at the receiving end of the latter on a number of occasions. Our daughter simply NEVER wants to leave the swings! She might be tired; her eyes might be sleepy; or rest of us might be exhausted. But I haven't heard her say that she is done playing on swings and she wants to go home. Anyway, apart from those 5 very difficult minutes, she is also among the excited and content lot.
Unlike India, Qatar has a variety of playground equipments - swings, slides, climbers, see-saw etc. in almost all parks, even in the Zoo. It is a really good thing because otherwise, there are not many places where young kids can enjoy themselves to such an extent. Another good thing about these 'play areas' is that the ground is covered with sand and the area is properly sheltered, so that you don't have to worry much about the kids getting hurt if they fall or their getting exposed to sun. But of course, then there is the other worry - kids playing with this sand, rather than on the swings. Playing with sand is a favorite activity of most kids, especially the ones who cannot independently enjoy the other swings. Like my son...he spends 90% of his time at the play area with the sand.
I have visited a number of parks in Qatar and none of them have the identical set of playground equipment. Each play area in this country can boast of at least one unique kind, though it might just be a variation of another one somewhere else.
Yet, not surprisingly, the most sought after ones are the conventional swings and slides. You will find children of all ages swarming around these and patiently (sometimes, impatiently) waiting for their turn. But sometimes, this trend changes. Once in a while, one lonely kid might wander to a see-saw or a climber, which is unoccupied and stands lonely waiting for the kids to turn its way. This kid might be followed by a couple more because they found the queue at a swing too long. Suddenly, the other kids would notice a few kids gathering around something. So everyone starts moving in that direction to find out what interested the other kids. And hence, some lonely see-saw or a climber has its 15 minutes of fame. I say 15 minutes, as that is the longest kids can stay away from a conventional swing or slide.
While you are at it, you might also like to observe how, in a similar manner, some particular toy or a candy becomes the popular item of the day. The small shop selling this specific flavor of the day, try as hard as they might, but they cannot setup or even predict the trend of popularity of one toy or candy. One kid showing off something to another because of latter's success in getting hold of the former's favorite swing; or a parent's bribe to a wailing kid to soothe him/her; or just the fact that many kids simultaneously took a liking to that specific item, can be a trigger for establishing the trend. But as in the case of swings, this category also has all time favorites - the conventional huge pink cotton candy and balloons!
There are so many other things that you can notice in a children's park. Some of them are repetitive like kids speaking different languages understanding each-other perfectly well; parents and kids enjoying the swings alike; kids stepping off a swing to give another kid a chance; parents striking off conversations with total strangers because their kids like the same climber/slide, and finding some common ground later; people like me sitting there and observing others etc. Other events might not be so common. Like, the other day some child's ball got stuck on the top of the roof-like cover of that playground, and number of people trying various tactics to bring it down. Then, there was this one time when I saw one child bullying another, and before I could intervene, many kids came to the rescue of the victim. Another time, my daughter was having difficulty climbing one of the slides, and another slightly elder girl lend her a helping hand. Yesterday, my daughter learnt her lesson of smiling at the other kids when they approach her, and she was feeling so glad that she kind of stuck a friendship with this particular girl who smiled at her.
There are many other facets of human emotions that you get to see at a children's park and you would be amazed to see how all the kids of a specific age behave in a similar manner, irrespective of huge diversity in their culture, mother tongue or fatherland. How wonderful it is to see these kids smiling at each-other cordially, following queues without anyone telling them to, sharing their joys, just being themselves!
A children's park is a wonderful place to go to when you want to leave your worries behind and you feel refreshed by the beautiful sight they provide you with.
Unlike India, Qatar has a variety of playground equipments - swings, slides, climbers, see-saw etc. in almost all parks, even in the Zoo. It is a really good thing because otherwise, there are not many places where young kids can enjoy themselves to such an extent. Another good thing about these 'play areas' is that the ground is covered with sand and the area is properly sheltered, so that you don't have to worry much about the kids getting hurt if they fall or their getting exposed to sun. But of course, then there is the other worry - kids playing with this sand, rather than on the swings. Playing with sand is a favorite activity of most kids, especially the ones who cannot independently enjoy the other swings. Like my son...he spends 90% of his time at the play area with the sand.
I have visited a number of parks in Qatar and none of them have the identical set of playground equipment. Each play area in this country can boast of at least one unique kind, though it might just be a variation of another one somewhere else.
Yet, not surprisingly, the most sought after ones are the conventional swings and slides. You will find children of all ages swarming around these and patiently (sometimes, impatiently) waiting for their turn. But sometimes, this trend changes. Once in a while, one lonely kid might wander to a see-saw or a climber, which is unoccupied and stands lonely waiting for the kids to turn its way. This kid might be followed by a couple more because they found the queue at a swing too long. Suddenly, the other kids would notice a few kids gathering around something. So everyone starts moving in that direction to find out what interested the other kids. And hence, some lonely see-saw or a climber has its 15 minutes of fame. I say 15 minutes, as that is the longest kids can stay away from a conventional swing or slide.
While you are at it, you might also like to observe how, in a similar manner, some particular toy or a candy becomes the popular item of the day. The small shop selling this specific flavor of the day, try as hard as they might, but they cannot setup or even predict the trend of popularity of one toy or candy. One kid showing off something to another because of latter's success in getting hold of the former's favorite swing; or a parent's bribe to a wailing kid to soothe him/her; or just the fact that many kids simultaneously took a liking to that specific item, can be a trigger for establishing the trend. But as in the case of swings, this category also has all time favorites - the conventional huge pink cotton candy and balloons!
There are so many other things that you can notice in a children's park. Some of them are repetitive like kids speaking different languages understanding each-other perfectly well; parents and kids enjoying the swings alike; kids stepping off a swing to give another kid a chance; parents striking off conversations with total strangers because their kids like the same climber/slide, and finding some common ground later; people like me sitting there and observing others etc. Other events might not be so common. Like, the other day some child's ball got stuck on the top of the roof-like cover of that playground, and number of people trying various tactics to bring it down. Then, there was this one time when I saw one child bullying another, and before I could intervene, many kids came to the rescue of the victim. Another time, my daughter was having difficulty climbing one of the slides, and another slightly elder girl lend her a helping hand. Yesterday, my daughter learnt her lesson of smiling at the other kids when they approach her, and she was feeling so glad that she kind of stuck a friendship with this particular girl who smiled at her.
There are many other facets of human emotions that you get to see at a children's park and you would be amazed to see how all the kids of a specific age behave in a similar manner, irrespective of huge diversity in their culture, mother tongue or fatherland. How wonderful it is to see these kids smiling at each-other cordially, following queues without anyone telling them to, sharing their joys, just being themselves!
A children's park is a wonderful place to go to when you want to leave your worries behind and you feel refreshed by the beautiful sight they provide you with.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Fog in Qatar
Yes, it is a foggy day in Qatar, not such a common thing in this part of the world. And, it is amazing...I love looking out of the glass doors of my dining area, where I am sitting, sipping coffee and having breakfast. A wave of nostalgia engulfs me as I am reminded of all the beautiful winter seasons back home.
It is such a unique experience, driving your two-wheeler through fog so thick you can hardly see 50 metres ahead. In college, December & January were months of semester exams. All the two-wheeler drivers would be dressed in layers of clothes, jackets, scarves, gloves etc., driving a few km to the college, envying all the car owners they saw on the way. And, as soon as we all reached college, we would rush to the classrooms, rubbing our numb-with-cold hands vigorously, and still it would take a few minutes after holding the pen that we could actually write. A shiver runs through me while I think of those days.
Studying for exams was also pretty much fun. There used to be two options, depending on the weather. If it was sunny, we would sit outside, keep shifting our chairs towards sun as the day progressed, and reluctantly go inside the house around 4 pm. Sunny days were fun during holidays. We 3 siblings, cousins, mom, aunts would all sit in the veranda, sipping tea/coffee, eating peanuts and other savories of winter season (rewri, gajjak etc.) and either just chatting away or playing board games/cards. Oh, it was simply awesome! Well coming to the second option of studying - we would sit under layers of quilts on the bed or couch, reading our course books. The preparation would begin while we sat upright, would progress with us lying comfortably on the warm bed, and finally falling asleep in the middle of the toughest chapter of the subject! Sometimes, mom used to come and wake us, other times, a nightmare about the actual exam day would do the trick. And, the studies would be resumed with fervor. Mom and dad used to keep warning us that we'll hurt our eyes and back studying like this, but who wanted to actually use the cold study table?
In school, the winter vacations would be spent playing games on streets or nearby parks, whichever had the prospect of more playmates and sun.
As I write all this, I am struck with a thought. How many times do we actually reminisce of the big events in life? Not much. However, surely, most of us reminisce a lot about such small & seemingly insignificant moments of life. It is these small joys that actually make our life.
Today, when I look out of these glass doors in Doha, I feel lucky to have spent such fine moments of childhood & youth in Faridabad,among loved ones - my brother, sister, mom, dad, cousins, uncles & aunts. I want to take a stroll on the street where I used to play as a child; go and sit on my favorite bench of the classrooms I studied in; visit that park again and pluck the juicy fruits growing on a small tree at the corner of the park; I wanna grow up again to take in the beauty of the moments I might have missed the first time.
I thank God for a foggy day in Qatar!
It is such a unique experience, driving your two-wheeler through fog so thick you can hardly see 50 metres ahead. In college, December & January were months of semester exams. All the two-wheeler drivers would be dressed in layers of clothes, jackets, scarves, gloves etc., driving a few km to the college, envying all the car owners they saw on the way. And, as soon as we all reached college, we would rush to the classrooms, rubbing our numb-with-cold hands vigorously, and still it would take a few minutes after holding the pen that we could actually write. A shiver runs through me while I think of those days.
Studying for exams was also pretty much fun. There used to be two options, depending on the weather. If it was sunny, we would sit outside, keep shifting our chairs towards sun as the day progressed, and reluctantly go inside the house around 4 pm. Sunny days were fun during holidays. We 3 siblings, cousins, mom, aunts would all sit in the veranda, sipping tea/coffee, eating peanuts and other savories of winter season (rewri, gajjak etc.) and either just chatting away or playing board games/cards. Oh, it was simply awesome! Well coming to the second option of studying - we would sit under layers of quilts on the bed or couch, reading our course books. The preparation would begin while we sat upright, would progress with us lying comfortably on the warm bed, and finally falling asleep in the middle of the toughest chapter of the subject! Sometimes, mom used to come and wake us, other times, a nightmare about the actual exam day would do the trick. And, the studies would be resumed with fervor. Mom and dad used to keep warning us that we'll hurt our eyes and back studying like this, but who wanted to actually use the cold study table?
In school, the winter vacations would be spent playing games on streets or nearby parks, whichever had the prospect of more playmates and sun.
As I write all this, I am struck with a thought. How many times do we actually reminisce of the big events in life? Not much. However, surely, most of us reminisce a lot about such small & seemingly insignificant moments of life. It is these small joys that actually make our life.
Today, when I look out of these glass doors in Doha, I feel lucky to have spent such fine moments of childhood & youth in Faridabad,among loved ones - my brother, sister, mom, dad, cousins, uncles & aunts. I want to take a stroll on the street where I used to play as a child; go and sit on my favorite bench of the classrooms I studied in; visit that park again and pluck the juicy fruits growing on a small tree at the corner of the park; I wanna grow up again to take in the beauty of the moments I might have missed the first time.
I thank God for a foggy day in Qatar!
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Living in Moments
Sometimes, life gives you so much in a moment which brings warmth to your heart and a smile on your face to last for the entire day, may be days. And when you do start being grateful for such moments, they become a more common happening in your life. I have been observing this for a few days now, with myself. Here are some of the moments I am thankful to God for:
* All of us are in the car - me & hubby in the front seats, arguing about something. The kids are sitting at the back, chatting away in their own language (they understand each other so well, despite the fact that younger one hasn't started speaking!). Suddenly, everybody becomes quiet. I look back to check on the kids and what I see simply makes me go wow! My daughter is holding her little brother in her lap, constantly kissing him and baby-talking to him; while he just smiles away, glowing as he is being pampered by the big sis.
* I am very ill, feeling giddy and it seems like I am going to faint. My daughter asks me what's wrong and I tell her that I am going to faint. She holds my hand, walks me slowly to the bed and asks me to lie down. Then, she kisses me on my forehead and tells me that I will be alright. Would you believe that she is just 3 years old and she knows how to comfort an adult!
* The same day, when it is shower time for the kids, I am still too weak to give them a bath. I ask my daugther if she can bathe herself, while I will be there just sitting beside the bath tub to keep a watch. She says she will and insists on bathing her brother too! I am amazed at her, when I see she bathes him so well, applying soap to his body and shampoo to his hair, then rubbing over his back...she does everything that I do and not like a kid, but like a grown up. Throughout, she keeps telling him that mom is not well, so he should not trouble mom.
* I am putting my son to sleep at around 1 in the night (he woke up in mid-sleep that night), and I am so tired and sleepy that I am not able to pat him constantly. After a while, he sits up, leans towards me & I close my eyes, so that he may also do the same. But what he does is start patting me on my cheeks slowly with his little hands. I can't help smiling at his gesture of putting me to sleep.
* The kids are not willing to sleep, so I tell them I am going out of the room and they should sleep by themselves. My daughter starts singing lullaby, and tries putting herself & her bro to sleep! All I am able to utter is 'how cute!'
* I tell many stories of my childhood to my daughter, and she loves listening to them. They involve my bro, sis, cousins, friends etc. Many a times, my angel just comes over to me and says she wants to hear a story where...and she narrates the incident to me. Then, she asks me to tell her about it. Again, I smile at her innocence, and feel glad at her memory and at the thought that she really cherishes those little things I tell her about my childhood.
* I don't know how much my little one understands these 'stories' but he always rushes to me when he just hears the word 'story' from his sis. It is wonderful to see him come running and sitting in my lap, listening to my narration and then going 'uh?' 'eh?' at every pause. They way he twitches his face with these words is a treat to watch!
I know most of the times the kids learn these gestures from me only, I comfort them when they are ill or hurt, I pat them to sleep, sing lullaby etc. But then, when they actually remember it so well and even apply the same on me, it really means a lot. Sometimes, in such moments, my eyes fill with tears. At one such time, my daughter asked me why I was crying, and I told her those were happy tears. I don't know whether she understood it fully or not, but I would love to hear these words coming out of her mouth :-)
There are several such moments I love to be a part of, and I always thank God right then and there, so that He knows I am craving for more.
* All of us are in the car - me & hubby in the front seats, arguing about something. The kids are sitting at the back, chatting away in their own language (they understand each other so well, despite the fact that younger one hasn't started speaking!). Suddenly, everybody becomes quiet. I look back to check on the kids and what I see simply makes me go wow! My daughter is holding her little brother in her lap, constantly kissing him and baby-talking to him; while he just smiles away, glowing as he is being pampered by the big sis.
* I am very ill, feeling giddy and it seems like I am going to faint. My daughter asks me what's wrong and I tell her that I am going to faint. She holds my hand, walks me slowly to the bed and asks me to lie down. Then, she kisses me on my forehead and tells me that I will be alright. Would you believe that she is just 3 years old and she knows how to comfort an adult!
* The same day, when it is shower time for the kids, I am still too weak to give them a bath. I ask my daugther if she can bathe herself, while I will be there just sitting beside the bath tub to keep a watch. She says she will and insists on bathing her brother too! I am amazed at her, when I see she bathes him so well, applying soap to his body and shampoo to his hair, then rubbing over his back...she does everything that I do and not like a kid, but like a grown up. Throughout, she keeps telling him that mom is not well, so he should not trouble mom.
* I am putting my son to sleep at around 1 in the night (he woke up in mid-sleep that night), and I am so tired and sleepy that I am not able to pat him constantly. After a while, he sits up, leans towards me & I close my eyes, so that he may also do the same. But what he does is start patting me on my cheeks slowly with his little hands. I can't help smiling at his gesture of putting me to sleep.
* The kids are not willing to sleep, so I tell them I am going out of the room and they should sleep by themselves. My daughter starts singing lullaby, and tries putting herself & her bro to sleep! All I am able to utter is 'how cute!'
* I tell many stories of my childhood to my daughter, and she loves listening to them. They involve my bro, sis, cousins, friends etc. Many a times, my angel just comes over to me and says she wants to hear a story where...and she narrates the incident to me. Then, she asks me to tell her about it. Again, I smile at her innocence, and feel glad at her memory and at the thought that she really cherishes those little things I tell her about my childhood.
* I don't know how much my little one understands these 'stories' but he always rushes to me when he just hears the word 'story' from his sis. It is wonderful to see him come running and sitting in my lap, listening to my narration and then going 'uh?' 'eh?' at every pause. They way he twitches his face with these words is a treat to watch!
I know most of the times the kids learn these gestures from me only, I comfort them when they are ill or hurt, I pat them to sleep, sing lullaby etc. But then, when they actually remember it so well and even apply the same on me, it really means a lot. Sometimes, in such moments, my eyes fill with tears. At one such time, my daughter asked me why I was crying, and I told her those were happy tears. I don't know whether she understood it fully or not, but I would love to hear these words coming out of her mouth :-)
There are several such moments I love to be a part of, and I always thank God right then and there, so that He knows I am craving for more.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
An Inspiration
First of all, a very happy new year to all. May 2010 bring more happiness and peace to the world!
My wishes are coming a little late, since the kids and I were ill for last few days. With small children, it is almost a cycle of being well and being ill. Some days are pretty hard.
So I decided to write about someone who inspired me and will probably always do. I do not know him at a personal level, but whenever I am reminded of him, my head bows in respect. It was the year 2005, and I was in the hospital going through a miscarriage. I was totally shattered and feared that may be I would never be a mom etc. Any one who has lost a child would understand what I felt in those moments. But then, this doctor came to do an ultrasound. He told me and my friend, Reema, that he was deaf and he would converse with us by reading our lips. His voice was not easily comprehendable, but the fact that he was saying these words inspite of being deaf awed me. Then, he told us he a little about himself, his home country, his resolve to be a doctor etc. I never felt so small as I felt then. There was this man, obviously a winner despite the unfairness life had offered him. And there I was, crying over a lost child! He told me I would definitely conceive again, be a happy mom etc. The most surprising thing that happened that day was this. I said something to Reema while this doc was not even looking at me (he could not see how my lips moved), but he replied to me before Reema could say anything. Then, he saw the surprise on my face and said he had trained himself to multitask (looking at the monitor and lip reading) and also, he could recognize emotions on people's face. I was just speechless!
I have heard about miracles, people surviving disasters, people like Stephen Hawking. But that was the first time I actually met with someone like that. And it was amazing to see someone so strong willed.
I would be lying if I said that since then, I have not cried for small things in my life. I have, because I am not perfect in any way. But when the things are really tough, I do remember this doc and I tell myself - everything will fall into place if I have the courage to take that first step.
I am at a loss of words now as I was then. But I would keep posting inspiring moments in future posts.
My wishes are coming a little late, since the kids and I were ill for last few days. With small children, it is almost a cycle of being well and being ill. Some days are pretty hard.
So I decided to write about someone who inspired me and will probably always do. I do not know him at a personal level, but whenever I am reminded of him, my head bows in respect. It was the year 2005, and I was in the hospital going through a miscarriage. I was totally shattered and feared that may be I would never be a mom etc. Any one who has lost a child would understand what I felt in those moments. But then, this doctor came to do an ultrasound. He told me and my friend, Reema, that he was deaf and he would converse with us by reading our lips. His voice was not easily comprehendable, but the fact that he was saying these words inspite of being deaf awed me. Then, he told us he a little about himself, his home country, his resolve to be a doctor etc. I never felt so small as I felt then. There was this man, obviously a winner despite the unfairness life had offered him. And there I was, crying over a lost child! He told me I would definitely conceive again, be a happy mom etc. The most surprising thing that happened that day was this. I said something to Reema while this doc was not even looking at me (he could not see how my lips moved), but he replied to me before Reema could say anything. Then, he saw the surprise on my face and said he had trained himself to multitask (looking at the monitor and lip reading) and also, he could recognize emotions on people's face. I was just speechless!
I have heard about miracles, people surviving disasters, people like Stephen Hawking. But that was the first time I actually met with someone like that. And it was amazing to see someone so strong willed.
I would be lying if I said that since then, I have not cried for small things in my life. I have, because I am not perfect in any way. But when the things are really tough, I do remember this doc and I tell myself - everything will fall into place if I have the courage to take that first step.
I am at a loss of words now as I was then. But I would keep posting inspiring moments in future posts.
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Law of Attraction
My brother and sister mentioned this documentary, based on a book, called 'The Secret' quite a few times and asked me to watch it if I found an opportunity. Few days ago, I did. And, I do not have words to describe how awesome it is.
When I look back at my life, I realize that everything that I have achieved has been based on this one secret - law of attraction. I kept thinking or talking about something, and the universe responded, "your wish is my command". I got every single thing that I thought about, I wanted passionately or even what I feared ( simply 'cause I spent too much time in thinking about it). When I was in school, I used to think whatever course I choose in college, I'll never be an Engineer, and that's exactly what I became. As a child, I used to say whatever I do, I will never be a teacher. Guess what, my first job was that of a lecturer in an Engineering college! Though, I loved doing it and now I really like the idea of teaching. Then, while teaching I used to think of never joining a software company; and lo & behold, there I was - in one of the best software companies of India! Of course, I have not regretted any of these experiences of my life; rather, they are really close to my heart.
Then, sometimes I did think about what I really wanted to do - like going to US for an onsite assignment & I did. I wanted to stay out of India, in a developed country, for some time and here I am, living in Qatar. I wanted a girl as a first child with so much passion that I might have not wanted anything else till now. And my first born is a daughter. Then, when I became pregnant second time, all I used to think was about having a son and I did. But secretly, I used to worry a lot about how the delivery would go and yes, I had severe complications at that time.
So, in the end, this law of attraction has never failed me in big things in my life...and I am sure, even in small day-to-day tasks if I get down to reflecting on those.
So I have decided to take good advantage of this law. From now on, I am going to apply it to achieve two of my greatest dreams - be a writer and a restaurant owner. The law has already started manifesting itself since the day I started concentrating my thoughts on my dreams - I have got an offer to do some writing in a local magazine here. And to top it, the magazine is for womenfolk, dealing with their everyday struggles & issues, providing a platform for them to express themselves etc...so another of my wishes comes true, as I have always wanted to do something for the women.
In India, not many people discuss what they are planning to do, or what they want to do, even with their nearest ones. They have a saying that if you talk too much about something to many people, you might not achieve it. And, I have seen that this is true with a number of people, but now I understand the reason. It is not because of sharing with people, it is because of worrying too much about your wish not coming true. Also, most of the times, most of the people will have a negative thing to say to any one who dare to follow their dreams. Some people get easily affected by these negative vibes/suggestions/thoughts etc. So they end up not believing themselves, but other people, and hence, are unable to succeed.
But, I am going to share what I want to achieve. And one day, in another post of mine I would be writing about how my wishes came true. Amen.
When I look back at my life, I realize that everything that I have achieved has been based on this one secret - law of attraction. I kept thinking or talking about something, and the universe responded, "your wish is my command". I got every single thing that I thought about, I wanted passionately or even what I feared ( simply 'cause I spent too much time in thinking about it). When I was in school, I used to think whatever course I choose in college, I'll never be an Engineer, and that's exactly what I became. As a child, I used to say whatever I do, I will never be a teacher. Guess what, my first job was that of a lecturer in an Engineering college! Though, I loved doing it and now I really like the idea of teaching. Then, while teaching I used to think of never joining a software company; and lo & behold, there I was - in one of the best software companies of India! Of course, I have not regretted any of these experiences of my life; rather, they are really close to my heart.
Then, sometimes I did think about what I really wanted to do - like going to US for an onsite assignment & I did. I wanted to stay out of India, in a developed country, for some time and here I am, living in Qatar. I wanted a girl as a first child with so much passion that I might have not wanted anything else till now. And my first born is a daughter. Then, when I became pregnant second time, all I used to think was about having a son and I did. But secretly, I used to worry a lot about how the delivery would go and yes, I had severe complications at that time.
So, in the end, this law of attraction has never failed me in big things in my life...and I am sure, even in small day-to-day tasks if I get down to reflecting on those.
So I have decided to take good advantage of this law. From now on, I am going to apply it to achieve two of my greatest dreams - be a writer and a restaurant owner. The law has already started manifesting itself since the day I started concentrating my thoughts on my dreams - I have got an offer to do some writing in a local magazine here. And to top it, the magazine is for womenfolk, dealing with their everyday struggles & issues, providing a platform for them to express themselves etc...so another of my wishes comes true, as I have always wanted to do something for the women.
In India, not many people discuss what they are planning to do, or what they want to do, even with their nearest ones. They have a saying that if you talk too much about something to many people, you might not achieve it. And, I have seen that this is true with a number of people, but now I understand the reason. It is not because of sharing with people, it is because of worrying too much about your wish not coming true. Also, most of the times, most of the people will have a negative thing to say to any one who dare to follow their dreams. Some people get easily affected by these negative vibes/suggestions/thoughts etc. So they end up not believing themselves, but other people, and hence, are unable to succeed.
But, I am going to share what I want to achieve. And one day, in another post of mine I would be writing about how my wishes came true. Amen.
Monday, November 16, 2009
Changing someone you love
I remember reading an article long back, with the title 'why do we hurt those whom we love the most?'. I don't remember much about the content, just that when we love someone, we start to feel that we own them and they should behave in the way we want them to, so we end up hurting them. Same happens if someone tries to enforce upon us their behavior patterns.
But, I wonder, then can you call this love? Being in love with someone does not mean that we should try to change them in any manner. Some people might say that if you try to change someone for their betterment, then that's justified. Someone said to me the other day - don't we do the same to our kids...try to change them for their good. Well, in reply to all such thoughts, I have this to say. When we try to inculcate good habits and values into our kids, it is not same as changing them. We are trying to mould them and form their character, which is not there on birth. Secondly, don't most of the parents (I am guilty too) feel that they own their kids, and it is their responsibility to 'reform' them?
Also, parents' love and a couple's love is different. When you meet a grown up person and fall in love with them, don't you fall in love with their qualities that are different from yours? Then, after sometime, why do you try to change those very qualities? My perception is that all human beings are so comfortable with what they have in them (personal virtues & vices) that they want everyone they interact with to have the same. There are two reasons for this kind of feeling of comfort - first, we have lived with ourselves all along, so naturally we are at ease with ourselves; and second, we feel we have done the best with whatever our life offered us which means that we have the necessary tools for doing the best. So initially, in a relationship, we might be attracted to opposites of us, but with time, we start to get a little uncomfortable with what is different, and we try to make it same as what we have. Hence, start our efforts to change the other person. Sometimes, our partner might flow along and the relationship continues smoothly. But other times, they do not. So start the arguments, fights etc. Though of course, this might not be the only reason for fights among couples, yet this is a huge contributor.
Good analysis and might have been stated by many authors, in many books. But does just knowing this is helpful in preventing conflicts? Well, I am afraid not. What we really need to do is to practice restraint when we have the urge to advise without being asked; and not to be judgemental. Easier said than done, though. I am still struggling. Also, just one person's efforts in this direction do not suffice. A couple is made of two people, and the working of the relation needs efforts of both.
A friend of mine once told me that if we minimize or may be forgo our expectations, then we can be at peace with ourselves. This is even tougher to achieve. But we can try. Every time you are unhappy with the way things are, just ask yourself, what is my expectation from the other person, and did I enter into this relationship with a condition that this expectation must be fulfilled. Trust me, most of the times, the answer is 'no'. So there we go. Our problem might not disappear entirely, but it will be reduced to an extent where we can try to find some other solution.
But, I wonder, then can you call this love? Being in love with someone does not mean that we should try to change them in any manner. Some people might say that if you try to change someone for their betterment, then that's justified. Someone said to me the other day - don't we do the same to our kids...try to change them for their good. Well, in reply to all such thoughts, I have this to say. When we try to inculcate good habits and values into our kids, it is not same as changing them. We are trying to mould them and form their character, which is not there on birth. Secondly, don't most of the parents (I am guilty too) feel that they own their kids, and it is their responsibility to 'reform' them?
Also, parents' love and a couple's love is different. When you meet a grown up person and fall in love with them, don't you fall in love with their qualities that are different from yours? Then, after sometime, why do you try to change those very qualities? My perception is that all human beings are so comfortable with what they have in them (personal virtues & vices) that they want everyone they interact with to have the same. There are two reasons for this kind of feeling of comfort - first, we have lived with ourselves all along, so naturally we are at ease with ourselves; and second, we feel we have done the best with whatever our life offered us which means that we have the necessary tools for doing the best. So initially, in a relationship, we might be attracted to opposites of us, but with time, we start to get a little uncomfortable with what is different, and we try to make it same as what we have. Hence, start our efforts to change the other person. Sometimes, our partner might flow along and the relationship continues smoothly. But other times, they do not. So start the arguments, fights etc. Though of course, this might not be the only reason for fights among couples, yet this is a huge contributor.
Good analysis and might have been stated by many authors, in many books. But does just knowing this is helpful in preventing conflicts? Well, I am afraid not. What we really need to do is to practice restraint when we have the urge to advise without being asked; and not to be judgemental. Easier said than done, though. I am still struggling. Also, just one person's efforts in this direction do not suffice. A couple is made of two people, and the working of the relation needs efforts of both.
A friend of mine once told me that if we minimize or may be forgo our expectations, then we can be at peace with ourselves. This is even tougher to achieve. But we can try. Every time you are unhappy with the way things are, just ask yourself, what is my expectation from the other person, and did I enter into this relationship with a condition that this expectation must be fulfilled. Trust me, most of the times, the answer is 'no'. So there we go. Our problem might not disappear entirely, but it will be reduced to an extent where we can try to find some other solution.
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