Published...finally!

Finally, after 3 years of waiting for the 'right time', I decided to self-publish.
My first book is available here:
http://www.amazon.com/Love-It-Is-ebook/dp/B00927CLCC/ref=sr_1_3?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1345970030&sr=1-3&keywords=love%2C+it+is

So quoth Shiku...:-)

The funniest thing that happened in my house today...

I am dressing up Shiku after giving him a bath. He is used of asking several questions during bath time. Anyway, so today he says, "Chunchu didi said that girls are skin (meaning fair) color and boys are brown (meaning dark) color. Is it true?" I was surprised at the question and even at Chunchu's observations and I wondered she understood this courtesy which of the cartoon shows on TV. But I said to Shiku, "No dear. The color of the skin has nothing to do with guys and girls or any other factor." I gave him some examples of dark girls and fair boys from the family. And since, I did not want him to associate looks with skin color, I also told him, "Listen dear, God gave different skin color to everyone but He made them all beautiful." I was not prepared for what he said next!

He said, "But mama, why did God not make you beautiful?" Phew! OMG! Wow! How did that come about? OK, my illusion was shattered in that moment. No, not about my looks. I do not consider myself a beautiful person. I am just OK and I know it. Anyway...but I had always assumed that children found their mothers pretty because to them she is one person who loves them and nurtures them and is the first woman they know. I always found my mum pretty. I am yet to see any child who would, at the age of 4, say that their mom is not pretty. ALL children, before they hit the teens, consider their moms pretty. So why did my son have to be so different? Well, to say the truth, it did break my heart a little bit. But then I remembered the person Shiku thought was pretty.

We were watching the movie Aarakshan and Shiku coyly had remarked that he found the auntie on screen (Deepika Padukone) very beautiful. So I know his standards are high! I somehow mended my shattered heart telling myself that its OK if the child is not illusive.

Anyway, so the next thing Shiku remarks is, "Except that you look really beautiful in the frocks that you wear!" Ahh, so he likes a 'modern' mama who wears knee-length dresses, rather than the traditional mum he has got! Now I get it!

Later, I had a hearty laugh over his remark. And of course, Chunchu told me she thinks I am pretty. I guess that will help...till she also starts saying otherwise. :-)

Remembering a Friend

I have been thinking of writing this tribute since I came to know of the sad news...but I somehow could not bring myself to accept the fact that PK is no more. I mean it was not sudden, I knew this was coming; he was fighting with a fatal disease for so long. But then, he was so young! He has a young daughter and thinking about her makes me cry.

I remember the first time I met PK. He took my interview about two years back. I was struggling to find a good offer and I half expected the interviewer to be as pompous as the others had been...trying to show off their knowledge rather than accessing yours! But he was different; he made me feel comfortable and when I answered a very obvious question incorrectly, he simply stated the facts and explained it to me like a teacher. And I got the job!

Few days later, he came and said hello. That marked the beginning of a friendship to last for the rest of his lifetime, which unfortunately was short. I remember asking him for advice and sharing things with him when I was upset with the boss, the organization, the system etc. He had a remarkable quality of listening whole-heartily and in the end, making it sound so simple. I almost never heard him say anything negative about anything or anyone.

It was a few months before he told me about his illness. I was taken back and I brooded over that for so many days. I wondered where he found the strength from, to deal with what he had been through. And, I asked him one day to tell me all about it. PK and I discussed it so many times and I asked him if he would ever let me write about him. I wanted to spread the positivity he lived with. It was then he confessed that it was painful. It was physically painful and mentally exhausting to go through it every single day of your life. Though at that time PK was healing, he knew cancer could come back. He was still on medication, after going through painful chemo sessions and he was just taking it in his stride to make the most of the time he had. He said he would love to talk to me all about it whenever I was ready to write. And I remember telling him that I would do it when he became absolutely well! That never happened though.

I remember the second time the deadly disease was diagnosed, he had to cut short an overseas assignment and come back to India for treatment. I remembered him telling me that the chemo was really painful and I wished for his fast recovery. When I saw him after he resumed work, it was hard to hold back my tears, and I was able to do it only because I wanted him to believe that I had faith. But that day, I could see what lay ahead. I am sorry to write this but that day I saw death hovering above him. Probably he also knew, because he didn't talk to me candidly about his illness as he used to before. He stopped talking about it and I never wrote that piece we had agreed upon.

PK used to be in my prayers a lot after that. They say that God answers all your unselfish prayers, so I reminded God about this every time I prayed to him for PK. But this prayer went unanswered. I guess I was late in asking Him for PK's long life.

I remember when I resigned from the organization, I told him that he had 2 months (my notice period) to gain back all the weight he had lost. I sincerely wanted to see him healthy before I left the country.

I wrote to him from here and he replied only once. The gap between my email and his response scared me and I prayed to God to not give me any bad news. I was relieved when he wrote back. That was his last email to me, and when I chanced upon it today while cleaning my mailbox, I knew I had to write about him.

I regret I didn't call him the day I went to India. Perhaps I could have spoken to him, maybe not. He was probably hospitalized then. He passed away just 2 days later I landed in India. I came to know through a common friend. The first thing I said was I wished I had made that call. Would it had made any difference? I don't know. I don't even know if he had been in a position to talk, yet I regret it.

I had lost another friend many years back. She still haunts my thoughts every now and then, more so because she wrote her very last letter to me. She told me she was going to kill herself. Only then I knew that how much she had loved me since she remembered me in her last moments. For many years, her memories reassured me when I was sad. But time is a great healer, it makes you forget the pain. So did happen with N. Her memories faded and became less frequent. But I can never forget her completely.

That's the thing about losing someone. When they go away, you might not think of them all the time. But occasionally, they pop up in your mind and you think about what you said to them, what they said to you, what you did together, how nice they were, how they affected you and how they touched something inside you. And then, in cases like PK, you also think about the ones they left behind. You understand their loss and their pain and you pray that God gives them enough strength to deal with it.

All I can say right now is rest in peace, my friend, PK. I am sure you will be fondly remembered by many.

Children

Life is constantly changing...time is flying by. I look back at the last 6 years, and feel like a nomad. I have been shifting from one place to another, one country to another. I have shuttled between India and Qatar so many times that I wonder how I managed to adjust to so many changes in my life. Well, I think it is pretty simple. One, I really start liking every place I live at. I loved Bangalore, I liked Arizona (where I was only for a few months) and I like Doha too. Two, there are certain constants in my life that made me so secure about life. Who else? My kids, most importantly and also, my family. They have always been there - supporting me, loving me.

Coming back to the kids, it's such a wonder to see them growing so fast. It seems like yesterday when I only had Chunchu and then, Shiku came along; and life was never the same! They both are a handful, in every way. But also, they somehow manage to give me some time to myself when I need it. Having two kids is a blessing in itself. They keep each-other busy, find so many different ways to play and also, fight and resolve amongst themselves. So basically, the parents are able to find some space.

Some really sweet things that my children do are simple things, yet they make a difference to me. They invariably bring a smile to my face and there are so many small moments of gratification and overall content with life. For instance, when I told them I was going to publish my book of stories, Chunchu was like, "Yipee! So now, you will have more stories to narrate to us!" I explained to her that those stories were for grown-ups and she could read them when she grew up. She thought for a moment and said, "OK. But you have to write a book for children's stories also. Would you know how to write stories for children?" I replied, "You know, when you were younger, I used to make up a story every night to tell to you." She felt so glad hearing this, she hugged me and said, "Ohh that's so sweet of you, mama." But the questions were not over yet. She asked, "So when you publish your book, you will be a writer. Then, can you stop going to office and stay at home? Because I think you write stories from home." Well, I was not surprised as she had deduced this from my past conversations with her, but I was taken back by her expectation that I would quit my job as soon as I published my book. So I explained to her that my book should sell and more and more people should read it, like it and buy it. Then, if I meet a publisher who can probably hire me for writing more books, then I would be able to quit. Till then, I have to keep working. She again reflected and said, "OK. You can go to office as long as you like. We are growing up now. We will learn to take care of ourselves." And yes, her approval did matter to me! Finally, after 6 months, she allows me the liberty to choose to work as long as I want. I felt so glad to hear that. I know how tough it had been in these past months when every few days she would ask me if I had decided to quit and when I was going to. Every single thing she didn't like (e.g. having an argument with the nanny), she would blame on the fact that I worked! And I seriously started considering a time frame for my job. Now, I am relieved! But I am scared that once the school reopens, she might go back to the same old question!

Shiku, on the other hand, questions every day surroundings. He is more of an observer, I guess. His questions range from the color of the soap to the writing on the t-shirt to why he has to eat on his own despite being a baby etc etc. Sometimes, he goes from one question to another without waiting for an answer. He usually doesn't bother about my presence or my attention, till Chunchu demands it. When she does, then he realizes he has equal right over me, (even more since he is a baby) and he never lets Chunchu cuddle me for long. Chunchu's argument is "Why is Shiku still a baby when he is 4 years old? He is now a big child! He is only 1.5 years younger to me? How can he be a baby when I am not?" Well, I know she's right. But I guess that's how it is with the younger ones. I explain to her saying that I love them equally but Shiku is a bit naughtier than her. So I need to pay a little more attention to him to keep him safe. All she says is, "Huh!"

That's usually day-to-day things that happen with me and for weeks, the children seem like stuck on pretty much the same things. And then, without my noticing, the questions change, reactions change and I wonder when did they grow up? It's been like that for past six years, and yet my experiences of their first year are as fresh. I look at their pictures of that time, and I wonder how did they ever become so big! And sometimes, I feel like going back to that time and enjoying those days again, perhaps correcting a few mistakes I made as a parent. But then, at that time, I didn't know they were mistakes. I guess parents also keep growing with their children. We also keep learning and I am sure this will continue for the rest of our lives. Our children will always be our inspiration for making us look at the things in a new way, moulding ourselves, changing our thoughts and outlook for them. A day will arrive when the children will go away but will leave us behind with so many wonderful memories and experiences, while they build their own memories and create their own experiences.

Chunchu claimed today that she would love me and her teddy the same as now (meaning that she loves us the most), even when she has her own kids (wonder where did that come from!). And I found myself telling her that everyone loves their own children the most, and she will also do it. I gave her an example of how I loved her and Shiku more than anyone else. But she was not convinced. Well, I am glad she loves me that much now and that's enough. And I am secretly glad that the teddy (to her, it's her daughter, 'Toshi') does not rank above me ;-) It would be heart-breaking to be beaten by a soft toy :-)

But then, who am I to comment? I am a bloody NRI!

Well, yes, I am an NRI. People might say I have no right to say what's wrong with my country and how we should improve things, since I took off at the first opportunity I had. Yes, I am not there to make the difference and I am not there to feel the pain. But is this all entirely true? NO.
To draw an analogy, consider this. Fifteen years from now, my children will probably leave my home and go to stay somewhere else for their studies/job etc. I will not be physically with them to share their joys and pains. But that wouldn't stop me from being there emotionally. I will be supporting them in everything to the best of my abilities. I will pray for them every day. And above all, I will feel all their emotions just like I do today. And they will always know that I am there for them whenever they need me.

I know there are so many things wrong with my country. There is corruption, there is dishonesty, lawlessness, crimes...the list is very long. But then, on the other hand, there is goodness too. In my life, I have encountered several little incidents which established my faith in the system, or in the people. I have experienced those touching moments when I thanked God for being there for me, in the form of another human being. But those are tidbits of my life. If we see on a bigger scale, there are noble people, honest officers (government and private sector). There are big names and then, there are those names, whose good acts get lost on the 3rd or the 4th page of a news daily. There are those who lay their lives for the dignity of a woman; there are those who give shelter and care for the homeless; there are those who make it easy for a person to rebuild their life after a traumatic experience and there are those who do things directly for the country (like soldiers, scientists etc).

And such mix of good and bad will always be there in any country, anywhere in the world. Just because my motherland has some flaws, I should not hate it. I still love my country, despite all the bad things there, it is still my home. I will draw the analogy again. My children, my parents, my siblings, my friends and my relatives also have flaws but that doesn't mean I love them less. I love them nonetheless. Similarly, I love India, even with its flaws. And I think it is as much my responsibility as a right to do something about those flaws. The only reason things have not improved greatly in my country is because we take respite in inaction, in complaining, in discussing about those "bad" things. How many of us actually turn our words into actions and how much are we ready to put at stake for getting the country rid of those flaws? I included, the citizens of any country are responsible for the way it is. Though I agree that if everyone in the governing bodies did what they were supposed to do, even to 60-70% extent of their capabilities, India would be a great country. I agree that in a perfect world, India would be a developed nation after six decades of its independence from the British rule. I also agree that the government and the dignitaries/leaders of the society are not doing their bit. But one thing I do not agree with is that they are solely responsible for what is happening in my nation. For the starter, who chose them to come in power? Who re-chose them even after they showed their real colors? Who gave them an impression that the common man of this country is an impotent person, incapable of fighting for his own rights? Who made them invincible?

OK, may be not every single person is responsible for all that is wrong, but as a society, as a people of a nation, we all have to take the onus - of the way things are and of the way things should be. Until we do so, we should not be talking only negative things about our country. Until we intend to make the things right, in every small way we can, we do not have any right to complain about every single thing! Imagine if Mother Teresa, Gandhiji, Abdul Kalam or Anna thought like us and just sat there complaining....what would India turn out to be?

There is so much more I can write on this topic, there is so much more I have inside me but then, who am I to comment? What did I really do for my country? I am a bloody NRI!

Another Year older

When we are children, all of us look forward to growing up fast. We want to be adults, take our own decisions and feel that it would give us a lot of freedom to be a grown-up. Little do we know that the most freedom we experience is when we are young and there are only a few things like studies and friends to worry about. As we grow older, we tend to become slaves to our habits, thinking, attitude and worst, to the norms of society. We lose the freedom to live our day as we wish, since we have so many responsibilities to take care of. First there is job, then marriage, then children and so on. When this happens, we want to go back to being children! I guess that's how it is with most of us.

I also go through these thoughts once in a while when I look at my children and see how free they are. Their problems are really so small (of course, they seem to be big to them) and how simple it is to resolve them. When Chunchu asks my advice on something in her school or shares her concerns over her friends with me, I think about how I used to feel about these things at her age. These little things seemed to be overwhelming and I understand what she must be feeling. Hence I tell her that I also went through all this and I assure her that however big these problems look, they will pass and she will be at peace again. She believes and becomes her own happy self again. How simple it is to be content at that tender age! Sometimes, I wish I could be so content, happy and believing and now, I am ready to give up on this 'grown-up' thing to achieve that peace. But I know, it is impossible. You can never turn back time.

Irony of life is that we always want to be in some other time. Yet, I now understand one thing. If I lose this time in thinking too much about how much I would like to be in some other time, then there is a high probability that 10 years from now, I would be thinking of coming back to this time :-) So I try to be happy within this moment and do my best of what I have learnt from life.

I remember when I was in my early 20s, I used to feel being above 30 would mean being old. In India, anyways when people have children and when they turned 30, that is what they used to say. I heard my parents say it, some relatives say it and many acquaintances say it. But surprisingly, I don't feel that I am old because I am over 30 and I already have children. Of course, some people I meet give me that expression of "How old is she...she has 2 children!" Most of them tell me, "You don't look that old!" And I am like, "How old don't I look?" I never think of this as compliment and many times, I tell them my age. Wouldn't it be better if they just asked straightforward! And the truth is there are some people I know who haven't started a family though they are as old as I am and many of these women who have asked me this question are themselves just 2 years younger to me! Well, we Indians are like that - hypocrite and nosy! Anyway, that's not the point of this post.

I am rejoicing in the fact that I have what I can call a content existence in terms of job, family and ordinary things of life. But as I grow older and I realize that time is flying by, I feel some part of me is calling out to me. It keeps nudging me and I know it's right in asking me how many of my goals I have been able to fulfill. In my growing up years and now also, I have always felt the suffering of people across the globe whenever I read about these things. I am particularly touched by any injustice happening to women and children. I feel God has blessed me with so many good things in life, isn't it my duty to spread that happiness and goodness to others. It is not about making a difference at a large scale, but if each one of us can give back to the society just a little bit, the world would be so much a better place to live in.

Some people spend years in finding out what they want to do, and then there are others like me who know, yet are not doing it. Isn't that worse? There are so many reasons and excuses I give myself - I have a family to take care of; I have children and hence, duties; I have to first be somebody etc. I am not sure if these are legitimate doubts or if I am just being lazy to make drastic changes in my life. But sometimes, I really wonder, what if I postpone all the wishes and ambitions to tomorrow, and there is no tomorrow? What if I suddenly depart from this world, and I haven't fulfilled what I really wanted to? My hubby has an interesting theory about this state of mind. He asked me if I do die suddenly, would I repent all that I haven't done? I replied of course not, since I would be dead and there is nothing after that! So he quips, "Then, why do you worry so much about all this. Be content!" :-)
Well, that's what exactly I have to learn and achieve, perhaps through following my dreams!

Shame on us Women!

We have heard this many times that Indian women are themselves responsible for their own plight. True to an extent since women make lives of other women tough, when they are in the role of a mother-in-law, sister-in-law or boss or sometimes even as a mother. Yes, we women hate other women and take out our problems on them. For example a woman who was mistreated by her husband takes it out on her daughter-in-law when her son tries to be good to his wife. Then, some mothers provide different treatment and privileges to their sons and daughters. Most Indian women raise their sons differently so that these guys, when they become adults, they have the notion that they are superior to their female counterparts, at home or outside. This is the basic reason why men treat women with disrespect or at least, not at par with them.

Yes, we all know this and I can vouch that many people are trying to get rid of this mentality by bringing up their children as equal. I have seen some families which have one or two daughters and are not willing to try for a son, unlike our previous generations.

Yet what infuriates me is when on one hand, we women complain that men don't treat us as we deserve but then, some survey is conducted by UNICEF and it shows entirely different results! The one I am referring to is:

http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/india/57-of-boys-53-of-girls-think-wife-beating-is-justified/articleshow/12862006.cms

This survey clearly shows that more than half of the women surveyed actually feel it is justified for a husband to beat his wife!!! How can any woman justify violence by her husband or any man? OK, may be they were brought up in homes where this was common. But that doesn't mean that it was right and acceptable. I think it is this attitude of women to take everything that men are doing it to women! If we unite and refuse to be tortured in any way, physical and mental, by our life partners, will they dare be violent to us? I am sure that the women who feel wife-beating is justified have been victims of such incidences themselves. It is because their husbands also know how their wives feel about domestic violence and hence, they know these women will accept their fate and will not question the actions of their husbands. It is not only sad but also shocking and completely unacceptable that women would say their husbands have the right to hit them!

I want to say this to all women, whether a victim of domestic violence or not, wife-beating is NOT JUSTIFIED and NOT ACCEPTABLE. Period.

A Conversation

As I do the usual household chores today, my thoughts are anything but usual. I feel a respite from the tiredness of yet another sleepless night, by engaging myself in some physical activity. I would like to rest on the weekend, do nothing and relax. But my thoughts are far from relaxed. In fact, my mind is under tremendous stress and tumultuous questions keep arising which I have no answer to. This is in light with the recent fire in a shopping mall which claimed 19 lives, 13 of which were children aged 2-5 years. How can any mother have peace when there is another mother who is grieving because she lost a child or lost all her children (there were 2 year old triplets who died in this fire)? How can I relax when inside my heart, I am suffering with the pain of those mothers who will never see their children again, who will never hear the cries, laughter, complaints of their beautiful kids who were the biggest source of joy in their lives? I feel there is a ‘more humane’ part of me that is conversing with the ‘regular humane’ part of me and asking tough questions. I am not able to answer them. Can you?

The More Humane Me (MHM): Why haven’t you shed the tears that you so want to cry? Why are you not talking about this to anyone? How can you continue with your mundane life after such a tragedy?

The Regular Humane Me (RHM): I am not sure how to react, for past 3 days, I have not slept properly but is how I feel really going to make any difference to anyone?

MHM: Perhaps your feelings might not make a difference to the world, but did you try? Did you try to find out what you can do? Did you try to ease the pain of fellow humans?

I start crying and all the stress that I was carrying for past few days flows down my cheeks in form of tears yet after crying my heart out, I do not feel any lighter.

RHM: Why don’t I feel better after crying? I was holding these tears and thought that they were the cause of my misery. Yet when I released them, I am still as miserable as I was.

MHM: You were not miserable because of your sorrow at what happened; you were miserable because of your inaction. Since you have still not accomplished doing anything, you are feeling despondent.

RHM: I don’t understand what you want me to do.

MHM: I am you and I am also suffering. First, I want you to say aloud what you are thinking. I want you to accept what you have feeling, and I want you to feel OK about having these intense feelings for someone you don’t know. I want you to stop feeling guilty because you think you are over-reacting for something that directly doesn’t concern you. Why are you so scared to accept that you are hurt, that you are sad and that you can feel the pain of the people who were affected by that tragedy? What are you afraid of?

After this, I could not find a difference between the MHM and RHM, and all I could hear was what was coming out of my head, my heart and even my mouth (I am not sure about this last part since I lost account of the difference between my words and my thoughts; I could hear everything very loud).

“I am more shocked than scared. I am not able to fathom how anyone, including me, can go back to their normal lives when they know what happened has destroyed the definition of normal for so many families? I am shocked because I am sure not only this could have been avoided, but also because no one around me seems to think of it as I do. I see it as a betrayal to those wonderful children, who had just begun their lives. I see it as a shame to this society in particular, and to humanity in general, to not only allow such an event to happen, but also to continue with their lives pretending that nothing is wrong. I am shocked because we discuss the ‘event’ with our peers, tell sad tales and show how much we read about the incidence, and then, we just forget the feeling of sorrow and sympathy. What did we actually do about it except for ‘feeling bad’ for the families of the victims. Is this what the children would have expected from their care taker adults (meaning all adults), when they were trapped inside that hot room full of smoke? Will they ever be able to forgive us if they knew how little we care? I am not able to understand the reaction of people after the incidence, why is anyone not affected? Why are we so callous unless something hits directly at us? Can you imagine what the thoughts of the people would have been in those last moments? Can you feel even a minute part of the agony they must have felt in their last moments? And were those innocent little kids even aware what was happening to them? Was this unawareness a blessing for them since they did not know that death laid ahead? Or was it the worst way of learning and knowing about death? Did they cry for their mothers and fathers in those last moments? How would anyone know? How would anyone comprehend this even in their worst nightmares?

I am also sorrowful with those parents who lost the apples of their eyes, and those families who lost someone they loved as their own life. Will life ever return to normalcy for these families? Will they ever be able to answer the question why it happened? And will I and they be able to get an answer to this question, I ask God after every suffering I see in this world– why and how could He let it happen? Now, in most ways when something doesn’t work the way we want to be in our lives, we tend to think God must have some other plans; He does. But when such a tragedy hits several families at a time, then I am forced to question Him. I have immense faith in God and that is precisely the reason I don’t comprehend how He can let his creations suffer like this, especially young and innocent children. The vivid pictures of those kids crying keep moving about in front of my eyes and I don’t know when I will be able to come out of this shock. And, what about the families of the victims? Will they ever be able to get over with this misery and will they ever be able to find answers to their questions. I pray to God to be with them in this suffering.”

MHM: So you are suffering too in the pain of fellow humans. But what are you going to do about it? Everyone is going on with their lives as if nothing happened; everyone has gone back to the same routine of their mundane lives. What about you?

RHM: What can I do? I too have a life and a family. And regardless of whatever I feel, the life goes on, for everyone. What is it that I can do will make a difference to anyone’s life? Is there a way I can provide comfort to these people?

MHM: I am asking the exact same thing to you. Are you willing to find that way? Are you ready to make a difference?

RHM: I don’t know. And even if I wanted to, what can I do?

Life goes on. That’s the ultimate truth of our existence. Life never stops in one moment; it has its own pace. But I am still not able to decide what could I do or have done to help anyone who is in pain; what can I do to ease their agony; what can I do to make a difference?

Most ordinary human beings, like me, have these thoughts I guess. Perhaps the intensity of the feelings might vary; may be the amount of time spend in reflection about any such event might be different for different people, but I am sure every single human feels for others. But most ordinary humans have limited means to do anything to make a difference to the society and world at large. Yet, we have to begin from somewhere…take that first step…

Shiku turns 4!

My prince, my angel, my son, turns 4 today and I am simply overjoyed... Today he got up smiling, courtesy my repeated reminders yesterday....otherwise, he usually cries when he is woken up in the morning. Not his fault though, he has to get up at 4:30 a.m!

Though I have thought about the moment of his birth very often in last four years, yet today I revisit it with a different emotion...with my heart bursting with all kinds of motherly emotions! I remember that night very clearly when Shiku came into my life and made it even better (I say better because Chunchu had already made it good enough with her presence). The first glance I got of him was when immediately after he was born, my husband held him out holding him on his palm, for me to take a look at our son. That moment has really been engraved into my memory and will always remain fresh, and for two reasons. First, the very obvious reason that I was looking at my son for the first time and second, his dad had this glint of emotions in his eyes that cannot be expressed in words. He had not seen Chunchu being brought into this world, but he watched as Shiku entered into our lives. I had experienced it with Chunchu yet the second time was as emotional, as beautiful and as overwhelming as the first time.
And I am sure that though as parents we become less finicky and less skeptical with our second born, yet the joys of parenthood multiply manifolds.

Since Shiku is the youngest, I feel he is still too young, I treat him as a baby. I think that's how it is for parents; the elder one is always old enough and the younger one remains too young. There might be certain activities Chunchu would have been allowed to do or forbidden to do when she was 4, but for Shiku, I would feel "he is too young for that!"
Yesterday, Shiku was watching me cook. I put some lentils in a pressure cooker and was washing it and he feared that while I drained water from the cooker, the lentil will also fall. He keenly observed me till I was done washing the lentil and then very innocently, he remarked, "Mom, you cook so well; you knew how to not let the lentil fall out of the cooker even though you tilted it to drain the water! You cook so well, mamma." And I wondered how it was such a big thing for him and realized that he IS too young :-)

Every parent loves their children and every parent thinks that theirs are the best. I am no exception to the rule. So I always tell my children, "you are the best son/daughter in the whole world." Chunchu some how understands and replies, "Mamma, every parent feel the same way their children and you love me that's why you are saying this." But Shiku simply smiles coyly and accepts that he is the best son! That's another adorable thing about him - he accepts some things very simply and hence, finds it easier to adjust. Like he accepted that we have to move to Qatar and that he has to go to a different school than Chunchu. He never complains about such things. Though the first day of the school, he asked me for how many years he has to keep going to school :-) And since I didn't want to scare him with a number I said. "Till you start going to college." And he's like, "I have to go to college too!" And then, he asked me till when he has to go to college and I replied till he gets a job. So then, he says, "Mamma, when I get a job and I am grown up, I will help you with all your household work - cooking, cleaning, washing, everything. You will not have to do it alone!" Of course, I had tears in my eyes and I told him, "But you'll be tired when you come back from work." And he says, "Mamma, you are never tired of doing all this for me, so I also won't get tired." Wow! And that was another moment of speechlessness and happy tears.

Shiku is such a baby in so many things but sometimes, he suddenly seems to have grown up to be this caring and loving son that every mother longs for and I am glad I have one. When I was in college, I always thought that it would be so good to have a daughter and now, I know it is. But I also know that having a son is equally gratifying. That's what makes me thank God every single day for His blessings, I have abundance of.

Once again, a very happy birthday to my darling Shiku...may he be blessed with all the good things in life and may his life be a blissful one. Amen.

Stuck Waiting...

Today, its exactly 2 months since I quit my job...two months since I stopped commuting to office for a routine work. Well, I do not regret it but I am now tired of waiting...first for the passport, then for the visa!
As I mentioned in my last post, I am in love with Qatar. I am longing to go there, start my life again, and I feel I am stuck in the 'no-life zone'!

Before, I had a routine, kids too. Now, all we do is lazy around the house, waiting. Everyday, I think today might be my last in India, and I will miss it. But then, by evening, I am robbed of my emotions 'cause I do not understand how I should really feel...enjoy the last few days here, doing nothing or be worried about how less time I would have to settle everything down before I begin my stint as the working-mom avatar in Qatar. I no longer know how I should feel everyday, or every moment of the day!

You know, when you are going away and you have a date, you can keep your emotions at correct places, but I am lost since I do not know when. I am sure when it happens, it will not give me any time to ponder or feel, but right now, I am nowhere. Friends and relative ask - "when do you leave for Qatar?" The response is always the same, has been for last two months - "I don't know!" But these days, I add the f-word in the sentence, only in my mind of course! And then, there's a flurry of 'whys's and 'what happened's. Most of the conversations are spent in explaining to them the story of last two months - that figure again!!!

OK, I have tried to make fun of what I have been going through and I guess I am feeling better now. I was so sad since morning, not because of the waiting only though. There is another downside of having too much time on hands to kill. I read the whole newspaper and of course, it is not full of good things. There was an accident because of speeding, people killed! Then, more horrifying rape cases all over the newspaper. A 6-year old, a 16-year old, a mother...the country seems to be dismissing them as minor hitches in the otherwise glory that our nation seems to be attaining...WTF!!! Why don't we fear the boundaries anymore...and think like that about a little girl who probably wouldn't understand what happened to her but what would leave her scarred for life! How can anyone be that devilish? How can anyone do that to a child, or even to any woman? And why do they do it? If you want pleasure, there are other ways to get that...why do you have to spoil someone's life for a second of giving into your carnal desire? Don't these people ( I hate to call them people, they are worse than demons) stop to think or feel for a moment what their action can cause, how they are making the other person go through hell, for no reason? How do these victims recover and can they actually fully recover from such a ghastly event that happened to them? These are the times when I start to question the presence of God. How can He let that happen? And sometimes, I wonder if God is really a man.

I feel so helpless and so worthless when I know there is a woman or a girl out there who is suffering so much and I cant do anything to make her feel better, what will all my prayers do for her? Would she ever heal? Would she ever trust, have faith, or even have a life? I wish for a world where a woman's modesty is never compromised and a human being is never murdered. Is that even possible?

Or an evil thought - what if the roles are reversed for some time and men are supposed to be guarding their modesty and women could harm them the way men have done for centuries? God, are you listening?

I, Indian

Sometimes, and with me, many times, the plans do not work out like they should. Last year, I didn't know I would be going to Qatar again, this year I didn't know its going to take such a long time. I had planned to leave the country by Jan mid. I had quit my job, gave the notice to kids' school and I was ready.
But then, Chunchu's passport did not get renewed in time. It took about 5 months to arrive! A minor's passport, sent for renewal took 5 months, without any reason, without any problems, with no explanation! When I visited the passport office, they had no reason for delay...and I wondered why the hell an old man, Anna, is taking so much pain, to improve a country that is used of all the corruption and sloppiness.

I used to be very patriotic a while back...I used to love my country a lot...I still do. But my devotion has undergone a change. The delay in my daughter's passport is just one of the events that had made me realize that we as a nation, are not willing to change. We keep on doing the same mundane things everyday, walk down the same path everyday, and expect others to start a revolution. Our systems still work on two things - money and 'relations'. I finally received the much delayed passport, only when I asked a relative to talk to the RPO at passport office! It took several phone calls and personal visits to get a simple process to be completed.

There have been similar incidents throughout my life which have repeatedly shaken my faith in the system. When I talk to people my age, they sympathize with me, some talk of raising a voice, and some just say..."It is like that, you gotta live with it". Well, I know it is like that but I do not want to accept it. I want to change things, but how? How do I do my bit? Not pay bribe...OK. But then, what if I don't and everybody else does, and so I am expected to do the same. And those in authority create issues for me...delays are still not that frustrating but when you don't get what was rightfully yours, what do you do? What do you do when someone else is granted admission in an esteemed institution and you are denied despite the fact that you ranked 22nd in India? And later on, you come to know that it was because that person, who was not even among top 100, was capable and willing to pay the 'donation' and you weren't? When I was faced with this situation, I did raise my voice, I did stand against the system, but in the end, I lost! I lost because I was one person fighting the whole establishment and because I could not find the courage inside me to stand against the wrath of those in authority for 2 years of my life. So I got on with my Plan B. And life turned out to be OK. It might have been different, but better? Who knows?

Sometimes, when things are tough, I do go back to that moment and think how life would have been different for me? For one, I would have been an MBA...rest is an illusion. Anyway, so that's how most of us common men and women go on with our lives, never making any difference to anything around us...and the systems continue to be corrupt....slow....sloppy...same, basically. Though my step 10 years back had made it possible for at least a few students to fulfill their dreams of being an MBA, that itself is a consolation to me.

Coming back to Anna, I felt disappointed when he couldn't achieve what he set out to. I salute him for having the courage to continue on the path he laid out for himself...I think he did manage to bring this nation together for a great cause. But if all this does not achieve anything, it would be a shame. I feel ashamed for myself and the youth of my country who have been at the receiving end of so much unfairness and yet, we do nothing. Sometimes, we do not have the means, at other times, we lack courage.

But who am I to have a say in this matter...I am leaving this country to be in a place which feels safe, despite me being an outsider there; which has better facilities to make my life simpler; which makes me wonder when my own country will be as good. I love Qatar, may be not as much as I love my own country...but I do! It had made me feel at home...it has been my home, where I have learnt to be a full-fledged home-maker, and a mother. Though I would say the situations were more responsible for all this than the country was, but I still love staying in Qatar. I like the culture (so similar to India), I like the fact that women there are so independent, I like to live there. I am glad to be going back. Perhaps, the Indian woman inside me feels that her home lies where her family is. Perhaps, it is my up-bringing telling me that my first love are my husband and kids, and the country comes later...
Yet, I have the hope alive inside me that one day, my country will be as wonderful, as safe, as lovable, as worth-living, as so many NRIs find their countries of residence. One day...I will do my bit.