I, Indian

Sometimes, and with me, many times, the plans do not work out like they should. Last year, I didn't know I would be going to Qatar again, this year I didn't know its going to take such a long time. I had planned to leave the country by Jan mid. I had quit my job, gave the notice to kids' school and I was ready.
But then, Chunchu's passport did not get renewed in time. It took about 5 months to arrive! A minor's passport, sent for renewal took 5 months, without any reason, without any problems, with no explanation! When I visited the passport office, they had no reason for delay...and I wondered why the hell an old man, Anna, is taking so much pain, to improve a country that is used of all the corruption and sloppiness.

I used to be very patriotic a while back...I used to love my country a lot...I still do. But my devotion has undergone a change. The delay in my daughter's passport is just one of the events that had made me realize that we as a nation, are not willing to change. We keep on doing the same mundane things everyday, walk down the same path everyday, and expect others to start a revolution. Our systems still work on two things - money and 'relations'. I finally received the much delayed passport, only when I asked a relative to talk to the RPO at passport office! It took several phone calls and personal visits to get a simple process to be completed.

There have been similar incidents throughout my life which have repeatedly shaken my faith in the system. When I talk to people my age, they sympathize with me, some talk of raising a voice, and some just say..."It is like that, you gotta live with it". Well, I know it is like that but I do not want to accept it. I want to change things, but how? How do I do my bit? Not pay bribe...OK. But then, what if I don't and everybody else does, and so I am expected to do the same. And those in authority create issues for me...delays are still not that frustrating but when you don't get what was rightfully yours, what do you do? What do you do when someone else is granted admission in an esteemed institution and you are denied despite the fact that you ranked 22nd in India? And later on, you come to know that it was because that person, who was not even among top 100, was capable and willing to pay the 'donation' and you weren't? When I was faced with this situation, I did raise my voice, I did stand against the system, but in the end, I lost! I lost because I was one person fighting the whole establishment and because I could not find the courage inside me to stand against the wrath of those in authority for 2 years of my life. So I got on with my Plan B. And life turned out to be OK. It might have been different, but better? Who knows?

Sometimes, when things are tough, I do go back to that moment and think how life would have been different for me? For one, I would have been an MBA...rest is an illusion. Anyway, so that's how most of us common men and women go on with our lives, never making any difference to anything around us...and the systems continue to be corrupt....slow....sloppy...same, basically. Though my step 10 years back had made it possible for at least a few students to fulfill their dreams of being an MBA, that itself is a consolation to me.

Coming back to Anna, I felt disappointed when he couldn't achieve what he set out to. I salute him for having the courage to continue on the path he laid out for himself...I think he did manage to bring this nation together for a great cause. But if all this does not achieve anything, it would be a shame. I feel ashamed for myself and the youth of my country who have been at the receiving end of so much unfairness and yet, we do nothing. Sometimes, we do not have the means, at other times, we lack courage.

But who am I to have a say in this matter...I am leaving this country to be in a place which feels safe, despite me being an outsider there; which has better facilities to make my life simpler; which makes me wonder when my own country will be as good. I love Qatar, may be not as much as I love my own country...but I do! It had made me feel at home...it has been my home, where I have learnt to be a full-fledged home-maker, and a mother. Though I would say the situations were more responsible for all this than the country was, but I still love staying in Qatar. I like the culture (so similar to India), I like the fact that women there are so independent, I like to live there. I am glad to be going back. Perhaps, the Indian woman inside me feels that her home lies where her family is. Perhaps, it is my up-bringing telling me that my first love are my husband and kids, and the country comes later...
Yet, I have the hope alive inside me that one day, my country will be as wonderful, as safe, as lovable, as worth-living, as so many NRIs find their countries of residence. One day...I will do my bit.