Published...finally!

Finally, after 3 years of waiting for the 'right time', I decided to self-publish.
My first book is available here:
http://www.amazon.com/Love-It-Is-ebook/dp/B00927CLCC/ref=sr_1_3?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1345970030&sr=1-3&keywords=love%2C+it+is

So quoth Shiku...:-)

The funniest thing that happened in my house today...

I am dressing up Shiku after giving him a bath. He is used of asking several questions during bath time. Anyway, so today he says, "Chunchu didi said that girls are skin (meaning fair) color and boys are brown (meaning dark) color. Is it true?" I was surprised at the question and even at Chunchu's observations and I wondered she understood this courtesy which of the cartoon shows on TV. But I said to Shiku, "No dear. The color of the skin has nothing to do with guys and girls or any other factor." I gave him some examples of dark girls and fair boys from the family. And since, I did not want him to associate looks with skin color, I also told him, "Listen dear, God gave different skin color to everyone but He made them all beautiful." I was not prepared for what he said next!

He said, "But mama, why did God not make you beautiful?" Phew! OMG! Wow! How did that come about? OK, my illusion was shattered in that moment. No, not about my looks. I do not consider myself a beautiful person. I am just OK and I know it. Anyway...but I had always assumed that children found their mothers pretty because to them she is one person who loves them and nurtures them and is the first woman they know. I always found my mum pretty. I am yet to see any child who would, at the age of 4, say that their mom is not pretty. ALL children, before they hit the teens, consider their moms pretty. So why did my son have to be so different? Well, to say the truth, it did break my heart a little bit. But then I remembered the person Shiku thought was pretty.

We were watching the movie Aarakshan and Shiku coyly had remarked that he found the auntie on screen (Deepika Padukone) very beautiful. So I know his standards are high! I somehow mended my shattered heart telling myself that its OK if the child is not illusive.

Anyway, so the next thing Shiku remarks is, "Except that you look really beautiful in the frocks that you wear!" Ahh, so he likes a 'modern' mama who wears knee-length dresses, rather than the traditional mum he has got! Now I get it!

Later, I had a hearty laugh over his remark. And of course, Chunchu told me she thinks I am pretty. I guess that will help...till she also starts saying otherwise. :-)

Remembering a Friend

I have been thinking of writing this tribute since I came to know of the sad news...but I somehow could not bring myself to accept the fact that PK is no more. I mean it was not sudden, I knew this was coming; he was fighting with a fatal disease for so long. But then, he was so young! He has a young daughter and thinking about her makes me cry.

I remember the first time I met PK. He took my interview about two years back. I was struggling to find a good offer and I half expected the interviewer to be as pompous as the others had been...trying to show off their knowledge rather than accessing yours! But he was different; he made me feel comfortable and when I answered a very obvious question incorrectly, he simply stated the facts and explained it to me like a teacher. And I got the job!

Few days later, he came and said hello. That marked the beginning of a friendship to last for the rest of his lifetime, which unfortunately was short. I remember asking him for advice and sharing things with him when I was upset with the boss, the organization, the system etc. He had a remarkable quality of listening whole-heartily and in the end, making it sound so simple. I almost never heard him say anything negative about anything or anyone.

It was a few months before he told me about his illness. I was taken back and I brooded over that for so many days. I wondered where he found the strength from, to deal with what he had been through. And, I asked him one day to tell me all about it. PK and I discussed it so many times and I asked him if he would ever let me write about him. I wanted to spread the positivity he lived with. It was then he confessed that it was painful. It was physically painful and mentally exhausting to go through it every single day of your life. Though at that time PK was healing, he knew cancer could come back. He was still on medication, after going through painful chemo sessions and he was just taking it in his stride to make the most of the time he had. He said he would love to talk to me all about it whenever I was ready to write. And I remember telling him that I would do it when he became absolutely well! That never happened though.

I remember the second time the deadly disease was diagnosed, he had to cut short an overseas assignment and come back to India for treatment. I remembered him telling me that the chemo was really painful and I wished for his fast recovery. When I saw him after he resumed work, it was hard to hold back my tears, and I was able to do it only because I wanted him to believe that I had faith. But that day, I could see what lay ahead. I am sorry to write this but that day I saw death hovering above him. Probably he also knew, because he didn't talk to me candidly about his illness as he used to before. He stopped talking about it and I never wrote that piece we had agreed upon.

PK used to be in my prayers a lot after that. They say that God answers all your unselfish prayers, so I reminded God about this every time I prayed to him for PK. But this prayer went unanswered. I guess I was late in asking Him for PK's long life.

I remember when I resigned from the organization, I told him that he had 2 months (my notice period) to gain back all the weight he had lost. I sincerely wanted to see him healthy before I left the country.

I wrote to him from here and he replied only once. The gap between my email and his response scared me and I prayed to God to not give me any bad news. I was relieved when he wrote back. That was his last email to me, and when I chanced upon it today while cleaning my mailbox, I knew I had to write about him.

I regret I didn't call him the day I went to India. Perhaps I could have spoken to him, maybe not. He was probably hospitalized then. He passed away just 2 days later I landed in India. I came to know through a common friend. The first thing I said was I wished I had made that call. Would it had made any difference? I don't know. I don't even know if he had been in a position to talk, yet I regret it.

I had lost another friend many years back. She still haunts my thoughts every now and then, more so because she wrote her very last letter to me. She told me she was going to kill herself. Only then I knew that how much she had loved me since she remembered me in her last moments. For many years, her memories reassured me when I was sad. But time is a great healer, it makes you forget the pain. So did happen with N. Her memories faded and became less frequent. But I can never forget her completely.

That's the thing about losing someone. When they go away, you might not think of them all the time. But occasionally, they pop up in your mind and you think about what you said to them, what they said to you, what you did together, how nice they were, how they affected you and how they touched something inside you. And then, in cases like PK, you also think about the ones they left behind. You understand their loss and their pain and you pray that God gives them enough strength to deal with it.

All I can say right now is rest in peace, my friend, PK. I am sure you will be fondly remembered by many.

Children

Life is constantly changing...time is flying by. I look back at the last 6 years, and feel like a nomad. I have been shifting from one place to another, one country to another. I have shuttled between India and Qatar so many times that I wonder how I managed to adjust to so many changes in my life. Well, I think it is pretty simple. One, I really start liking every place I live at. I loved Bangalore, I liked Arizona (where I was only for a few months) and I like Doha too. Two, there are certain constants in my life that made me so secure about life. Who else? My kids, most importantly and also, my family. They have always been there - supporting me, loving me.

Coming back to the kids, it's such a wonder to see them growing so fast. It seems like yesterday when I only had Chunchu and then, Shiku came along; and life was never the same! They both are a handful, in every way. But also, they somehow manage to give me some time to myself when I need it. Having two kids is a blessing in itself. They keep each-other busy, find so many different ways to play and also, fight and resolve amongst themselves. So basically, the parents are able to find some space.

Some really sweet things that my children do are simple things, yet they make a difference to me. They invariably bring a smile to my face and there are so many small moments of gratification and overall content with life. For instance, when I told them I was going to publish my book of stories, Chunchu was like, "Yipee! So now, you will have more stories to narrate to us!" I explained to her that those stories were for grown-ups and she could read them when she grew up. She thought for a moment and said, "OK. But you have to write a book for children's stories also. Would you know how to write stories for children?" I replied, "You know, when you were younger, I used to make up a story every night to tell to you." She felt so glad hearing this, she hugged me and said, "Ohh that's so sweet of you, mama." But the questions were not over yet. She asked, "So when you publish your book, you will be a writer. Then, can you stop going to office and stay at home? Because I think you write stories from home." Well, I was not surprised as she had deduced this from my past conversations with her, but I was taken back by her expectation that I would quit my job as soon as I published my book. So I explained to her that my book should sell and more and more people should read it, like it and buy it. Then, if I meet a publisher who can probably hire me for writing more books, then I would be able to quit. Till then, I have to keep working. She again reflected and said, "OK. You can go to office as long as you like. We are growing up now. We will learn to take care of ourselves." And yes, her approval did matter to me! Finally, after 6 months, she allows me the liberty to choose to work as long as I want. I felt so glad to hear that. I know how tough it had been in these past months when every few days she would ask me if I had decided to quit and when I was going to. Every single thing she didn't like (e.g. having an argument with the nanny), she would blame on the fact that I worked! And I seriously started considering a time frame for my job. Now, I am relieved! But I am scared that once the school reopens, she might go back to the same old question!

Shiku, on the other hand, questions every day surroundings. He is more of an observer, I guess. His questions range from the color of the soap to the writing on the t-shirt to why he has to eat on his own despite being a baby etc etc. Sometimes, he goes from one question to another without waiting for an answer. He usually doesn't bother about my presence or my attention, till Chunchu demands it. When she does, then he realizes he has equal right over me, (even more since he is a baby) and he never lets Chunchu cuddle me for long. Chunchu's argument is "Why is Shiku still a baby when he is 4 years old? He is now a big child! He is only 1.5 years younger to me? How can he be a baby when I am not?" Well, I know she's right. But I guess that's how it is with the younger ones. I explain to her saying that I love them equally but Shiku is a bit naughtier than her. So I need to pay a little more attention to him to keep him safe. All she says is, "Huh!"

That's usually day-to-day things that happen with me and for weeks, the children seem like stuck on pretty much the same things. And then, without my noticing, the questions change, reactions change and I wonder when did they grow up? It's been like that for past six years, and yet my experiences of their first year are as fresh. I look at their pictures of that time, and I wonder how did they ever become so big! And sometimes, I feel like going back to that time and enjoying those days again, perhaps correcting a few mistakes I made as a parent. But then, at that time, I didn't know they were mistakes. I guess parents also keep growing with their children. We also keep learning and I am sure this will continue for the rest of our lives. Our children will always be our inspiration for making us look at the things in a new way, moulding ourselves, changing our thoughts and outlook for them. A day will arrive when the children will go away but will leave us behind with so many wonderful memories and experiences, while they build their own memories and create their own experiences.

Chunchu claimed today that she would love me and her teddy the same as now (meaning that she loves us the most), even when she has her own kids (wonder where did that come from!). And I found myself telling her that everyone loves their own children the most, and she will also do it. I gave her an example of how I loved her and Shiku more than anyone else. But she was not convinced. Well, I am glad she loves me that much now and that's enough. And I am secretly glad that the teddy (to her, it's her daughter, 'Toshi') does not rank above me ;-) It would be heart-breaking to be beaten by a soft toy :-)

But then, who am I to comment? I am a bloody NRI!

Well, yes, I am an NRI. People might say I have no right to say what's wrong with my country and how we should improve things, since I took off at the first opportunity I had. Yes, I am not there to make the difference and I am not there to feel the pain. But is this all entirely true? NO.
To draw an analogy, consider this. Fifteen years from now, my children will probably leave my home and go to stay somewhere else for their studies/job etc. I will not be physically with them to share their joys and pains. But that wouldn't stop me from being there emotionally. I will be supporting them in everything to the best of my abilities. I will pray for them every day. And above all, I will feel all their emotions just like I do today. And they will always know that I am there for them whenever they need me.

I know there are so many things wrong with my country. There is corruption, there is dishonesty, lawlessness, crimes...the list is very long. But then, on the other hand, there is goodness too. In my life, I have encountered several little incidents which established my faith in the system, or in the people. I have experienced those touching moments when I thanked God for being there for me, in the form of another human being. But those are tidbits of my life. If we see on a bigger scale, there are noble people, honest officers (government and private sector). There are big names and then, there are those names, whose good acts get lost on the 3rd or the 4th page of a news daily. There are those who lay their lives for the dignity of a woman; there are those who give shelter and care for the homeless; there are those who make it easy for a person to rebuild their life after a traumatic experience and there are those who do things directly for the country (like soldiers, scientists etc).

And such mix of good and bad will always be there in any country, anywhere in the world. Just because my motherland has some flaws, I should not hate it. I still love my country, despite all the bad things there, it is still my home. I will draw the analogy again. My children, my parents, my siblings, my friends and my relatives also have flaws but that doesn't mean I love them less. I love them nonetheless. Similarly, I love India, even with its flaws. And I think it is as much my responsibility as a right to do something about those flaws. The only reason things have not improved greatly in my country is because we take respite in inaction, in complaining, in discussing about those "bad" things. How many of us actually turn our words into actions and how much are we ready to put at stake for getting the country rid of those flaws? I included, the citizens of any country are responsible for the way it is. Though I agree that if everyone in the governing bodies did what they were supposed to do, even to 60-70% extent of their capabilities, India would be a great country. I agree that in a perfect world, India would be a developed nation after six decades of its independence from the British rule. I also agree that the government and the dignitaries/leaders of the society are not doing their bit. But one thing I do not agree with is that they are solely responsible for what is happening in my nation. For the starter, who chose them to come in power? Who re-chose them even after they showed their real colors? Who gave them an impression that the common man of this country is an impotent person, incapable of fighting for his own rights? Who made them invincible?

OK, may be not every single person is responsible for all that is wrong, but as a society, as a people of a nation, we all have to take the onus - of the way things are and of the way things should be. Until we do so, we should not be talking only negative things about our country. Until we intend to make the things right, in every small way we can, we do not have any right to complain about every single thing! Imagine if Mother Teresa, Gandhiji, Abdul Kalam or Anna thought like us and just sat there complaining....what would India turn out to be?

There is so much more I can write on this topic, there is so much more I have inside me but then, who am I to comment? What did I really do for my country? I am a bloody NRI!

Another Year older

When we are children, all of us look forward to growing up fast. We want to be adults, take our own decisions and feel that it would give us a lot of freedom to be a grown-up. Little do we know that the most freedom we experience is when we are young and there are only a few things like studies and friends to worry about. As we grow older, we tend to become slaves to our habits, thinking, attitude and worst, to the norms of society. We lose the freedom to live our day as we wish, since we have so many responsibilities to take care of. First there is job, then marriage, then children and so on. When this happens, we want to go back to being children! I guess that's how it is with most of us.

I also go through these thoughts once in a while when I look at my children and see how free they are. Their problems are really so small (of course, they seem to be big to them) and how simple it is to resolve them. When Chunchu asks my advice on something in her school or shares her concerns over her friends with me, I think about how I used to feel about these things at her age. These little things seemed to be overwhelming and I understand what she must be feeling. Hence I tell her that I also went through all this and I assure her that however big these problems look, they will pass and she will be at peace again. She believes and becomes her own happy self again. How simple it is to be content at that tender age! Sometimes, I wish I could be so content, happy and believing and now, I am ready to give up on this 'grown-up' thing to achieve that peace. But I know, it is impossible. You can never turn back time.

Irony of life is that we always want to be in some other time. Yet, I now understand one thing. If I lose this time in thinking too much about how much I would like to be in some other time, then there is a high probability that 10 years from now, I would be thinking of coming back to this time :-) So I try to be happy within this moment and do my best of what I have learnt from life.

I remember when I was in my early 20s, I used to feel being above 30 would mean being old. In India, anyways when people have children and when they turned 30, that is what they used to say. I heard my parents say it, some relatives say it and many acquaintances say it. But surprisingly, I don't feel that I am old because I am over 30 and I already have children. Of course, some people I meet give me that expression of "How old is she...she has 2 children!" Most of them tell me, "You don't look that old!" And I am like, "How old don't I look?" I never think of this as compliment and many times, I tell them my age. Wouldn't it be better if they just asked straightforward! And the truth is there are some people I know who haven't started a family though they are as old as I am and many of these women who have asked me this question are themselves just 2 years younger to me! Well, we Indians are like that - hypocrite and nosy! Anyway, that's not the point of this post.

I am rejoicing in the fact that I have what I can call a content existence in terms of job, family and ordinary things of life. But as I grow older and I realize that time is flying by, I feel some part of me is calling out to me. It keeps nudging me and I know it's right in asking me how many of my goals I have been able to fulfill. In my growing up years and now also, I have always felt the suffering of people across the globe whenever I read about these things. I am particularly touched by any injustice happening to women and children. I feel God has blessed me with so many good things in life, isn't it my duty to spread that happiness and goodness to others. It is not about making a difference at a large scale, but if each one of us can give back to the society just a little bit, the world would be so much a better place to live in.

Some people spend years in finding out what they want to do, and then there are others like me who know, yet are not doing it. Isn't that worse? There are so many reasons and excuses I give myself - I have a family to take care of; I have children and hence, duties; I have to first be somebody etc. I am not sure if these are legitimate doubts or if I am just being lazy to make drastic changes in my life. But sometimes, I really wonder, what if I postpone all the wishes and ambitions to tomorrow, and there is no tomorrow? What if I suddenly depart from this world, and I haven't fulfilled what I really wanted to? My hubby has an interesting theory about this state of mind. He asked me if I do die suddenly, would I repent all that I haven't done? I replied of course not, since I would be dead and there is nothing after that! So he quips, "Then, why do you worry so much about all this. Be content!" :-)
Well, that's what exactly I have to learn and achieve, perhaps through following my dreams!

Shame on us Women!

We have heard this many times that Indian women are themselves responsible for their own plight. True to an extent since women make lives of other women tough, when they are in the role of a mother-in-law, sister-in-law or boss or sometimes even as a mother. Yes, we women hate other women and take out our problems on them. For example a woman who was mistreated by her husband takes it out on her daughter-in-law when her son tries to be good to his wife. Then, some mothers provide different treatment and privileges to their sons and daughters. Most Indian women raise their sons differently so that these guys, when they become adults, they have the notion that they are superior to their female counterparts, at home or outside. This is the basic reason why men treat women with disrespect or at least, not at par with them.

Yes, we all know this and I can vouch that many people are trying to get rid of this mentality by bringing up their children as equal. I have seen some families which have one or two daughters and are not willing to try for a son, unlike our previous generations.

Yet what infuriates me is when on one hand, we women complain that men don't treat us as we deserve but then, some survey is conducted by UNICEF and it shows entirely different results! The one I am referring to is:

http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/india/57-of-boys-53-of-girls-think-wife-beating-is-justified/articleshow/12862006.cms

This survey clearly shows that more than half of the women surveyed actually feel it is justified for a husband to beat his wife!!! How can any woman justify violence by her husband or any man? OK, may be they were brought up in homes where this was common. But that doesn't mean that it was right and acceptable. I think it is this attitude of women to take everything that men are doing it to women! If we unite and refuse to be tortured in any way, physical and mental, by our life partners, will they dare be violent to us? I am sure that the women who feel wife-beating is justified have been victims of such incidences themselves. It is because their husbands also know how their wives feel about domestic violence and hence, they know these women will accept their fate and will not question the actions of their husbands. It is not only sad but also shocking and completely unacceptable that women would say their husbands have the right to hit them!

I want to say this to all women, whether a victim of domestic violence or not, wife-beating is NOT JUSTIFIED and NOT ACCEPTABLE. Period.

A Conversation

As I do the usual household chores today, my thoughts are anything but usual. I feel a respite from the tiredness of yet another sleepless night, by engaging myself in some physical activity. I would like to rest on the weekend, do nothing and relax. But my thoughts are far from relaxed. In fact, my mind is under tremendous stress and tumultuous questions keep arising which I have no answer to. This is in light with the recent fire in a shopping mall which claimed 19 lives, 13 of which were children aged 2-5 years. How can any mother have peace when there is another mother who is grieving because she lost a child or lost all her children (there were 2 year old triplets who died in this fire)? How can I relax when inside my heart, I am suffering with the pain of those mothers who will never see their children again, who will never hear the cries, laughter, complaints of their beautiful kids who were the biggest source of joy in their lives? I feel there is a ‘more humane’ part of me that is conversing with the ‘regular humane’ part of me and asking tough questions. I am not able to answer them. Can you?

The More Humane Me (MHM): Why haven’t you shed the tears that you so want to cry? Why are you not talking about this to anyone? How can you continue with your mundane life after such a tragedy?

The Regular Humane Me (RHM): I am not sure how to react, for past 3 days, I have not slept properly but is how I feel really going to make any difference to anyone?

MHM: Perhaps your feelings might not make a difference to the world, but did you try? Did you try to find out what you can do? Did you try to ease the pain of fellow humans?

I start crying and all the stress that I was carrying for past few days flows down my cheeks in form of tears yet after crying my heart out, I do not feel any lighter.

RHM: Why don’t I feel better after crying? I was holding these tears and thought that they were the cause of my misery. Yet when I released them, I am still as miserable as I was.

MHM: You were not miserable because of your sorrow at what happened; you were miserable because of your inaction. Since you have still not accomplished doing anything, you are feeling despondent.

RHM: I don’t understand what you want me to do.

MHM: I am you and I am also suffering. First, I want you to say aloud what you are thinking. I want you to accept what you have feeling, and I want you to feel OK about having these intense feelings for someone you don’t know. I want you to stop feeling guilty because you think you are over-reacting for something that directly doesn’t concern you. Why are you so scared to accept that you are hurt, that you are sad and that you can feel the pain of the people who were affected by that tragedy? What are you afraid of?

After this, I could not find a difference between the MHM and RHM, and all I could hear was what was coming out of my head, my heart and even my mouth (I am not sure about this last part since I lost account of the difference between my words and my thoughts; I could hear everything very loud).

“I am more shocked than scared. I am not able to fathom how anyone, including me, can go back to their normal lives when they know what happened has destroyed the definition of normal for so many families? I am shocked because I am sure not only this could have been avoided, but also because no one around me seems to think of it as I do. I see it as a betrayal to those wonderful children, who had just begun their lives. I see it as a shame to this society in particular, and to humanity in general, to not only allow such an event to happen, but also to continue with their lives pretending that nothing is wrong. I am shocked because we discuss the ‘event’ with our peers, tell sad tales and show how much we read about the incidence, and then, we just forget the feeling of sorrow and sympathy. What did we actually do about it except for ‘feeling bad’ for the families of the victims. Is this what the children would have expected from their care taker adults (meaning all adults), when they were trapped inside that hot room full of smoke? Will they ever be able to forgive us if they knew how little we care? I am not able to understand the reaction of people after the incidence, why is anyone not affected? Why are we so callous unless something hits directly at us? Can you imagine what the thoughts of the people would have been in those last moments? Can you feel even a minute part of the agony they must have felt in their last moments? And were those innocent little kids even aware what was happening to them? Was this unawareness a blessing for them since they did not know that death laid ahead? Or was it the worst way of learning and knowing about death? Did they cry for their mothers and fathers in those last moments? How would anyone know? How would anyone comprehend this even in their worst nightmares?

I am also sorrowful with those parents who lost the apples of their eyes, and those families who lost someone they loved as their own life. Will life ever return to normalcy for these families? Will they ever be able to answer the question why it happened? And will I and they be able to get an answer to this question, I ask God after every suffering I see in this world– why and how could He let it happen? Now, in most ways when something doesn’t work the way we want to be in our lives, we tend to think God must have some other plans; He does. But when such a tragedy hits several families at a time, then I am forced to question Him. I have immense faith in God and that is precisely the reason I don’t comprehend how He can let his creations suffer like this, especially young and innocent children. The vivid pictures of those kids crying keep moving about in front of my eyes and I don’t know when I will be able to come out of this shock. And, what about the families of the victims? Will they ever be able to get over with this misery and will they ever be able to find answers to their questions. I pray to God to be with them in this suffering.”

MHM: So you are suffering too in the pain of fellow humans. But what are you going to do about it? Everyone is going on with their lives as if nothing happened; everyone has gone back to the same routine of their mundane lives. What about you?

RHM: What can I do? I too have a life and a family. And regardless of whatever I feel, the life goes on, for everyone. What is it that I can do will make a difference to anyone’s life? Is there a way I can provide comfort to these people?

MHM: I am asking the exact same thing to you. Are you willing to find that way? Are you ready to make a difference?

RHM: I don’t know. And even if I wanted to, what can I do?

Life goes on. That’s the ultimate truth of our existence. Life never stops in one moment; it has its own pace. But I am still not able to decide what could I do or have done to help anyone who is in pain; what can I do to ease their agony; what can I do to make a difference?

Most ordinary human beings, like me, have these thoughts I guess. Perhaps the intensity of the feelings might vary; may be the amount of time spend in reflection about any such event might be different for different people, but I am sure every single human feels for others. But most ordinary humans have limited means to do anything to make a difference to the society and world at large. Yet, we have to begin from somewhere…take that first step…

Shiku turns 4!

My prince, my angel, my son, turns 4 today and I am simply overjoyed... Today he got up smiling, courtesy my repeated reminders yesterday....otherwise, he usually cries when he is woken up in the morning. Not his fault though, he has to get up at 4:30 a.m!

Though I have thought about the moment of his birth very often in last four years, yet today I revisit it with a different emotion...with my heart bursting with all kinds of motherly emotions! I remember that night very clearly when Shiku came into my life and made it even better (I say better because Chunchu had already made it good enough with her presence). The first glance I got of him was when immediately after he was born, my husband held him out holding him on his palm, for me to take a look at our son. That moment has really been engraved into my memory and will always remain fresh, and for two reasons. First, the very obvious reason that I was looking at my son for the first time and second, his dad had this glint of emotions in his eyes that cannot be expressed in words. He had not seen Chunchu being brought into this world, but he watched as Shiku entered into our lives. I had experienced it with Chunchu yet the second time was as emotional, as beautiful and as overwhelming as the first time.
And I am sure that though as parents we become less finicky and less skeptical with our second born, yet the joys of parenthood multiply manifolds.

Since Shiku is the youngest, I feel he is still too young, I treat him as a baby. I think that's how it is for parents; the elder one is always old enough and the younger one remains too young. There might be certain activities Chunchu would have been allowed to do or forbidden to do when she was 4, but for Shiku, I would feel "he is too young for that!"
Yesterday, Shiku was watching me cook. I put some lentils in a pressure cooker and was washing it and he feared that while I drained water from the cooker, the lentil will also fall. He keenly observed me till I was done washing the lentil and then very innocently, he remarked, "Mom, you cook so well; you knew how to not let the lentil fall out of the cooker even though you tilted it to drain the water! You cook so well, mamma." And I wondered how it was such a big thing for him and realized that he IS too young :-)

Every parent loves their children and every parent thinks that theirs are the best. I am no exception to the rule. So I always tell my children, "you are the best son/daughter in the whole world." Chunchu some how understands and replies, "Mamma, every parent feel the same way their children and you love me that's why you are saying this." But Shiku simply smiles coyly and accepts that he is the best son! That's another adorable thing about him - he accepts some things very simply and hence, finds it easier to adjust. Like he accepted that we have to move to Qatar and that he has to go to a different school than Chunchu. He never complains about such things. Though the first day of the school, he asked me for how many years he has to keep going to school :-) And since I didn't want to scare him with a number I said. "Till you start going to college." And he's like, "I have to go to college too!" And then, he asked me till when he has to go to college and I replied till he gets a job. So then, he says, "Mamma, when I get a job and I am grown up, I will help you with all your household work - cooking, cleaning, washing, everything. You will not have to do it alone!" Of course, I had tears in my eyes and I told him, "But you'll be tired when you come back from work." And he says, "Mamma, you are never tired of doing all this for me, so I also won't get tired." Wow! And that was another moment of speechlessness and happy tears.

Shiku is such a baby in so many things but sometimes, he suddenly seems to have grown up to be this caring and loving son that every mother longs for and I am glad I have one. When I was in college, I always thought that it would be so good to have a daughter and now, I know it is. But I also know that having a son is equally gratifying. That's what makes me thank God every single day for His blessings, I have abundance of.

Once again, a very happy birthday to my darling Shiku...may he be blessed with all the good things in life and may his life be a blissful one. Amen.

Stuck Waiting...

Today, its exactly 2 months since I quit my job...two months since I stopped commuting to office for a routine work. Well, I do not regret it but I am now tired of waiting...first for the passport, then for the visa!
As I mentioned in my last post, I am in love with Qatar. I am longing to go there, start my life again, and I feel I am stuck in the 'no-life zone'!

Before, I had a routine, kids too. Now, all we do is lazy around the house, waiting. Everyday, I think today might be my last in India, and I will miss it. But then, by evening, I am robbed of my emotions 'cause I do not understand how I should really feel...enjoy the last few days here, doing nothing or be worried about how less time I would have to settle everything down before I begin my stint as the working-mom avatar in Qatar. I no longer know how I should feel everyday, or every moment of the day!

You know, when you are going away and you have a date, you can keep your emotions at correct places, but I am lost since I do not know when. I am sure when it happens, it will not give me any time to ponder or feel, but right now, I am nowhere. Friends and relative ask - "when do you leave for Qatar?" The response is always the same, has been for last two months - "I don't know!" But these days, I add the f-word in the sentence, only in my mind of course! And then, there's a flurry of 'whys's and 'what happened's. Most of the conversations are spent in explaining to them the story of last two months - that figure again!!!

OK, I have tried to make fun of what I have been going through and I guess I am feeling better now. I was so sad since morning, not because of the waiting only though. There is another downside of having too much time on hands to kill. I read the whole newspaper and of course, it is not full of good things. There was an accident because of speeding, people killed! Then, more horrifying rape cases all over the newspaper. A 6-year old, a 16-year old, a mother...the country seems to be dismissing them as minor hitches in the otherwise glory that our nation seems to be attaining...WTF!!! Why don't we fear the boundaries anymore...and think like that about a little girl who probably wouldn't understand what happened to her but what would leave her scarred for life! How can anyone be that devilish? How can anyone do that to a child, or even to any woman? And why do they do it? If you want pleasure, there are other ways to get that...why do you have to spoil someone's life for a second of giving into your carnal desire? Don't these people ( I hate to call them people, they are worse than demons) stop to think or feel for a moment what their action can cause, how they are making the other person go through hell, for no reason? How do these victims recover and can they actually fully recover from such a ghastly event that happened to them? These are the times when I start to question the presence of God. How can He let that happen? And sometimes, I wonder if God is really a man.

I feel so helpless and so worthless when I know there is a woman or a girl out there who is suffering so much and I cant do anything to make her feel better, what will all my prayers do for her? Would she ever heal? Would she ever trust, have faith, or even have a life? I wish for a world where a woman's modesty is never compromised and a human being is never murdered. Is that even possible?

Or an evil thought - what if the roles are reversed for some time and men are supposed to be guarding their modesty and women could harm them the way men have done for centuries? God, are you listening?

I, Indian

Sometimes, and with me, many times, the plans do not work out like they should. Last year, I didn't know I would be going to Qatar again, this year I didn't know its going to take such a long time. I had planned to leave the country by Jan mid. I had quit my job, gave the notice to kids' school and I was ready.
But then, Chunchu's passport did not get renewed in time. It took about 5 months to arrive! A minor's passport, sent for renewal took 5 months, without any reason, without any problems, with no explanation! When I visited the passport office, they had no reason for delay...and I wondered why the hell an old man, Anna, is taking so much pain, to improve a country that is used of all the corruption and sloppiness.

I used to be very patriotic a while back...I used to love my country a lot...I still do. But my devotion has undergone a change. The delay in my daughter's passport is just one of the events that had made me realize that we as a nation, are not willing to change. We keep on doing the same mundane things everyday, walk down the same path everyday, and expect others to start a revolution. Our systems still work on two things - money and 'relations'. I finally received the much delayed passport, only when I asked a relative to talk to the RPO at passport office! It took several phone calls and personal visits to get a simple process to be completed.

There have been similar incidents throughout my life which have repeatedly shaken my faith in the system. When I talk to people my age, they sympathize with me, some talk of raising a voice, and some just say..."It is like that, you gotta live with it". Well, I know it is like that but I do not want to accept it. I want to change things, but how? How do I do my bit? Not pay bribe...OK. But then, what if I don't and everybody else does, and so I am expected to do the same. And those in authority create issues for me...delays are still not that frustrating but when you don't get what was rightfully yours, what do you do? What do you do when someone else is granted admission in an esteemed institution and you are denied despite the fact that you ranked 22nd in India? And later on, you come to know that it was because that person, who was not even among top 100, was capable and willing to pay the 'donation' and you weren't? When I was faced with this situation, I did raise my voice, I did stand against the system, but in the end, I lost! I lost because I was one person fighting the whole establishment and because I could not find the courage inside me to stand against the wrath of those in authority for 2 years of my life. So I got on with my Plan B. And life turned out to be OK. It might have been different, but better? Who knows?

Sometimes, when things are tough, I do go back to that moment and think how life would have been different for me? For one, I would have been an MBA...rest is an illusion. Anyway, so that's how most of us common men and women go on with our lives, never making any difference to anything around us...and the systems continue to be corrupt....slow....sloppy...same, basically. Though my step 10 years back had made it possible for at least a few students to fulfill their dreams of being an MBA, that itself is a consolation to me.

Coming back to Anna, I felt disappointed when he couldn't achieve what he set out to. I salute him for having the courage to continue on the path he laid out for himself...I think he did manage to bring this nation together for a great cause. But if all this does not achieve anything, it would be a shame. I feel ashamed for myself and the youth of my country who have been at the receiving end of so much unfairness and yet, we do nothing. Sometimes, we do not have the means, at other times, we lack courage.

But who am I to have a say in this matter...I am leaving this country to be in a place which feels safe, despite me being an outsider there; which has better facilities to make my life simpler; which makes me wonder when my own country will be as good. I love Qatar, may be not as much as I love my own country...but I do! It had made me feel at home...it has been my home, where I have learnt to be a full-fledged home-maker, and a mother. Though I would say the situations were more responsible for all this than the country was, but I still love staying in Qatar. I like the culture (so similar to India), I like the fact that women there are so independent, I like to live there. I am glad to be going back. Perhaps, the Indian woman inside me feels that her home lies where her family is. Perhaps, it is my up-bringing telling me that my first love are my husband and kids, and the country comes later...
Yet, I have the hope alive inside me that one day, my country will be as wonderful, as safe, as lovable, as worth-living, as so many NRIs find their countries of residence. One day...I will do my bit.

Long Time...

Yep it's really been a long time since I wrote on my blog...well, since I wrote anything! For past few months, I have been out of touch with the writer in me...doesn't mean I haven't been thinking of writing, but just didn't! There are number of reasons, but then, why get into excuses?

So many things have happened in last few months...and I wonder how fast life can change! I have come face to face with situations that taught me new things about myself. I used to believe I was someone who wouldn't be able to forgive certain things that happened in past; yet I did. When the situation presented itself, I did not have any qualms in letting go - of the pain and hurt I have been keeping with me for so long. I realized I was ready to move on.
Recently I watched 'Oprah' and she was talking about forgiveness. I really liked her definition which said "Forgiveness is giving up the hope that past could have been any different"...what a wonderful way to say that the things that have already occured cannot be changed and instead of clinging to them, we should move on and try to make the best of what we have.

Well, all of us have known such insightful things for so long, yet we forget them when its time to practice. But sometimes, life teaches us lessons that cannot be forgotten, nor unlearnt. Sometimes, it is better to be a little flexible in your definitions of the things in life. For example, a couple in a romantic relationship might not be happy with each-other simply because their ways of expressing love might be different...if they could only see that loving someone in a different way than they expect does not mean loving them less, they would be happier.

I was talking to this friend the other day and he said that he has learnt so many things from me and I thought, "well, when am I gonna learn from myself" ;-) Yes, its easier to give advice than follow it. But sometimes, if we could just follow what our own mind told us...sometimes, we do but other times, we ignore it. And when we have ignored our subconscious mumber of times, for several years, it starts keeping mum. It is then that we have to seek answers outside of ourselves. So isn't it better to keep conversing with the subconscious so that it keeps guiding us?

Coming back to the things that my friend learned from me, it is two things that he specifically practised. First, a person should learn to be alone; one should not feel helpless or sad when there is no one to talk to; one should enjoy his/her own company. Being alone does not necessarily mean being lonely. If I enjoy being with myself, then I would never feel that I need someone else to discuss my problems with; I should be content with being my own best friend. And by God's grace, if you do have friends around you, then nothing better!
Second, a person should never feel fear and regrets. Fearing future and regretting past always results in spoiling the present. If you are confident that whatever you did was the best thing you could at that moment in the given situation, then you would also start having faith that whatever happens to you would be the best that could happen to you. Keeping the faith in yourself as well as in the Almighty is very important to lead a content life.

Well, I am a believer and I try to make things less painful and easier to bear. This is what I try to tell people when they ask for my advice. I have this immense faith in the principle of life that whatever you give to others, will eventually come back to you, sometimes manifolds! So isn't it better to give good? I am sure that most of us know this fact and usually pratice it in our good times. But when we are surrounded by darkness all around, it gets difficult to follow such principles. Understandable. But then, if you look around you, you'll see that there are people who think they could get away with whatever they do to others, and there is no one to keep a tab on their misdeeds. For some period of time, they do. Because the way nature or God works is this. He gives you chances upon chances to improve your life. If you keep taking them, you will end up happy; if you don't and repeat the same mistakes again and again, then no one can make things turn. So happens with people who are not good to others, who deliberately hurt others. God gives them opportunities to make amends, but if they do not make the best of it, then these people do get back what they gave in the first place. So, isn't it better to start with good so that whatever percent you get back, will be good?

There are so many such simple things in life that can make your life better; all you need to do is to start looking for answers within yourself; because in the end, you will find the answers inside you and the path that your subconscious paves for you, would be the best for you.

Love in Everyday Life

How many of us really feel the love every day? Not many. We get so involved with the trivial and mundane tasks that we forget to 'feel' the love that is around us. Having kids takes care of that part, especially when they are as expressive as mine are. Over the last few months, I have observed Chunchu coming up with beautiful expressions of her love for me, and she manages to overwhelm me every single time she does that.

Like one day, she said, "Mamma, mera mann karta hai main kabhi aapse door na jaun...main aapse fevicol se chipak jaun" (I never want to go away from you, I wish I could get stuck with you with fevicol) How did she come up with this statement, I don't understand. But the effect that it had on me was just splendid...I felt so grateful to her, and I was overwhelmed with emotions, all I could manage to say was that I would never go away from her. Of course, I walked around so proudly for a number of days following this incidence and narrated to everyone who was willing to listen!

I myself believe that if you feel anything good about someone, you should always express it, since you probably might never get a second chance and who knows, your few words of love might make a huge difference to someone. Hence, I always keep telling my kids that I love them and that I miss them when I am in office and that they are always on my mind. Perhaps, they have learned to express themselves like that.

Day before yesterday, we were watching 'Deep Impact'. There was this scene where a family is trying to get away to a high land to save themselves from the upcoming flood they know is going to kill them. There is a small child and a grown up daughter in the family. When the mother realizes that she won't be able to make it, she gives her baby to her daughter and asks her to go away with her boyfriend. Now, Chunchu asked me why did the mother give up her baby. I explained to her the situation that the mother was trying to save her child. Chunchu says, "Mamma, even if the child would die, at least she would die with her mom."
I explained again, "But baby, a mother should always try to save her child at any cost, and should think about her child's welfare even if that means she has to give up the child."
Chunchu then says something that will always be fresh in my mind. She said, "Mamma, I don't want to die, but if you know you are going to die, please do not give me away to anyone; let me die with you."
I tried to reason with her telling her that she should not think about such things and that I am not going to die, but she insisted I promise her that I would let her die with me. I was so touched by her feelings...after all, who gets to hear from someone an expression of the love that they are ready to shower upon you not only in life, but also in death? How many people know of someone in their lives who can really think of dying with them?  I do, now!

There have been several such moments when Chunchu has made me forget all that is painful in life, all that is ugly and all that is not what I would want it to be. She makes me feel grateful for the fact that I feel so loved as I have never felt before.

Shiku, on the other hand, is not so expressive with words, but as they say, actions speak louder than words. The little gestures that he shows every day like demanding to drink water from my bottle, demanding to get his teeth brushed and take a bath only from me on weekends, insisting I let him sit in my lap whenever he gets a chance, asking his sister to keep quiet when he is talking to me (he actually says, "Didi, chup ho jao!"). The small things that he does - the way he kisses me goodbye even in sleep, just at the prompt of "Shiku, bye-bye kissi", the way he proudly declares to be the best son in the world, the way he teases me for little things like my handbag...those endless expressions of his feelings for me make me swell with joy and pride!

While Chunchu keeps telling me how she thinks that I am the best mom in the world, Shiku keeps showing me that I am probably being a good mother (if not the best). But sometimes, Shiku behaves like a typical guy. Like, the other day, he said to Chunchu, "your mom is not good" and they actually had a fight about that! And when Chunchu told me about it I explained to her that since I am Shiku's mom also, he is implying that his mom is not good. As soon as Shiku heard that he said, "Mamma, you are good, I was just kidding, it wasn't for real." I couldn't help smiling :-) 

Rabindranath Tagore said - "Every child comes with the message that God is not yet discouraged of man." I think every child comes with the message that God still loves you, and since He cannot show it every day, He sends a child into your life to do that! 


Love you, Chunchu and Shiku!

Damsel in Distress

I felt exactly what a woman travelling alone, locked out of her car would feel...desperate, helpless, and even felt like kicking myself! Let me start from the beginning.

It began with the day-break of 29th June. It was one of those days when you just feel low, and you can't pin-point the reason behind the sadness. The whole day went by like that - feeling unhappy about something I couldn't figure out. When it was time to leave office, I somehow didn't feel like (perhaps sensed something was gonna happen). I said to a friend, "I don't feel like going home, but I don't feel like sitting here either. I am so restless.." But then, since there is no possibility of not coming back home, I decided to leave at the usual time - 5.

Since I was so preoccupied with being sad, I didn't realize that my car was not in its usual parking spot - the first one. So while I was backing it looking out of the rear mirror, I completely forgot the car that was parked beside mine, and I hit it! The first time I don't concentrate, I manage to hit some one's parked car, that too in office! That made me feel so guilty and I wanted to actually find out about the owner, apologize to him and pay him for damages. But the guard standing there advised me to leave, since probably he thought there would be a fight and some guy might exchange furious words with a woman on office premises, and he felt that better to avoid that situation altogether. May be, he was right, since people in this part of India are actually looking for a reason to fight and swear at each-other. But perhaps, I should have followed my first thought. Even if the guard was right, at least I wouldn't feel guilty for running away from my deed.

I did run away, but before I left, the security person actually said to me, "Ma'am, your car is more severely hit than his. His simply has a scratch but yours has pretty bad scratches." Now, not his mistake...how would he know those were old scratches, my little bro had given my car when he drove it for the first time.

Anyway, a seed of doubt was planted in my mind, and since I was already sad, I felt even more awful! Usually, if someone hits my car, I wait till I get to my destination to actually look at the damage caused, since I believe it is better not to look at it instantly as that would definitely cause a fight. Yet that day, I decided to 'have a look' on my way. So, I stopped the car on the side of a road, very near to my office. And, though I think of switching the engine off, I decide against it since I think it would be just a few seconds. (Well, it turned out to be an hour!!!) I ignored the fact that I have a central locking feature and too with security, so it automatically locks after a few seconds. So it did. And while my car keys were locked inside the running car; I was left stranded on that road, without any clue what to do next; the cherry on the cake being the fact that even my phone was inside! Wow! Foolish, huh?? Definitely! But for the record, that's not the most foolish thing I have done ;-P

Coming back to the story, two guys on a bike, stopped and offered to help. They started asking people going by for a foot-long scale while insisting me to call someone I knew. They had to attend a service call. So I searched my mind for a number I could remember...couldn't find any! Then, I remembered a colleague's no., but then, we are not that good friends, or acquaintances either. But somehow, I remembered his phone no. So, I had no choice but to call him. I asked him to call a friend whose details he could find from outlook (bless Outlook!). He did, and so my friends came to help me. Meanwhile many people stopped to help since probably people are a little sympathetic towards a woman stuck in a problem (for whatever reasons). Finally, someone could open the window after an hour of all this drama and struggle; and I drove back home, safely!

So that was the day which taught me a few lessons, the hard way -
Listen to your gut feeling.
By-heart at least one such person's number who can really help you when you are stuck. (So I gave my brother some of my friends' numbers, just in case).
Have to get the on-call on-road service subscription. 

I pray to God to forgive me my mistakes and please not let me learn any lesson in this manner...I am fine with subtleties of life :-)

A Wonderful B'day

So, I am a year older now. Surprisingly, I feel younger! When I was in my early twenties, I used to think that being in 30s would feel not so good...you're growing old...you have responsibilities etc. But when I did get there, it is refreshing and definitely not old :-) There is one thing though - you are mature and you understand things better.

The day started at midnight, with birthday messages and calls pouring in. Well, actually, someone wished me at 11:30 itself, in advance! Then, I was woken up by Sid (my little bro) and mom with a birthday song and ice-cream with candle in it. He made a video of the whole thing as well, and mentioned very clearly that I have turned 31 now :-). Shiku was awake to wish me while Chunchu slept. The messages continued till 1 and I was glad, since it was after so many years (6, perhaps) when my birthday actually began at midnight!

I woke up early in the morning, to feel the fresh air, to see the day breaking and to listen to the chirping of the birds. It was cool and I sat in the terrace just to observe the beautiful day. And the only thought that came to my mind was "Thank you, God!" Of course, later I remembered to ask Him for a birthday gift too :-)


The whole day went by as I had expected - fun and laughter. I cut the birthday cake at office, with my friends. Of course, some part of the cake also landed at my face first, before the rest of it reached everyone's mouth. It was the first time ever that my birthday cake was applied on my face and I wondered how come it had never happened before!

There were calls throughout the day...wishes coming in from far and near. A wonderful lunch with kids and family, then a visit to family friends' house - all of it was amazing. Some calls were expected, some totally unexpected! Some old friends, some new ones...the day was made of lots of fun and laughter...exactly like I wanted it to be. Throughout it all, I felt like a teenager...and, there was icing on the cake too :-)

All in all, a good day! And I wish myself many more such days...

Driving woes...

OK...so it's been about a month since I started driving to office myself. The experience has been mind-blowing, to say the very least...yes, it blows my mind to see how people drive and how they expect others to think of them as the owners of the roads where they tread!
I might be a new driver, but I know the rules and it feels like I'm the only one following them. Only once in a while I meet a sensible person following the rules as much as they can, and I feel like me, they must also be struggling with the decision to become like others (aka reckless and insensible) or to continue being glared and honked at just because you stop at the red-light, or give an indicator while taking a turn, or try to be sensitive towards other drivers or peddlers...
There are things I think are plain common sense, which I wonder perhaps, people leave at their homes when they take on to the road!!! Some examples:

• Aren't you supposed to apply brakes, when needed, or is it a race where the winner is the one who NEVER applies brakes, come what may? So what, if the car right in front of me had to brake because some strayed animal decided to cross the road suddenly?
• Aren't you supposed to STOP when the signal is red, despite the fact that there is no one ahead of you...I mean the signal must mean something. If they wanted you to jump it at every opportunity, why would they put it there in the first place?
• If you are on foot and trying to cross to the other side of the road in the middle of a busy highway, aren't you supposed to look right and then left, and then again right, before you step onto that dangerous road and force each of the moving vehicles to brake furiously, just because you forgot that lesson you were taught in class 1?
• If you bought that two-wheeler thinking that it was your ticket to ride anywhere and everywhere, aren't you supposed to realize that by assuming you don't need any space to move on the road, you are actually putting other people's lives at risk? I see the bike-riders zig-zagging through the traffic, over-taking from the wrong side (that too on a turn!), or hitting your car from behind when the signal turns red! And their argument always is the same, "Why the hell did you apply brakes???" So am I expected to keep moving, probably fly on the top of the vehicle in front of me, just because the honorable bike-rider doesn't want to stop or slow down?
• Isn't it common sense that if I turn on my indicator, I intend to take a turn? Why do people always have to speed at turns, what satisfaction do they get when they are able to stop someone from taking a turn? Does it satisfy their ego, or their sadistic senses to have delayed someone? (BTW, why do they think they are delaying me?)
• Since I am a woman and women drivers are considered to be "bad" drivers, aren't they taking a greater risk if they are breaking the rules while I am on the road...why do they have to apply sudden brakes to see if I can handle the pressure, or cross the road running and grinning at me, or perhaps trying to race with me on their pathetic bicycle? I guess these typical MCPs are just looking for an excuse to comment at me, or mock me...but you should see their faces when the trick doesn't work! I do not pick a fight with them, I do not reply to their sick comments, and I am able to maneuver my car without being hit and without frowning at their desperate attempt to piss me off!
• And then, there are these auto-rickshaw drivers who will NEVER let you overtake them because how can a car, that too a woman's car, possibly overtake them on the highway, while they are busy proving to the other auto-wallah that their vehicle is the fastest?
• Let me not forget to mention those smart ones who will keep honking every few seconds to probably remind you that they are following you, and they hate to follow since they probably own the road and no one else has the right to bar their way, even if there is a traffic jam, or occupied lanes? It is, after all, your responsibility to give them way, even if there is none available. And I so foolishly thought that if I wanted to overtake a vehicle, I had to find space and I had to increase my speed!!!
• Then, there are those who will honk at you when you are buying a ticket at the toll plaza...why, their time is so precious that they expect you to break the signal, damage your car, put your life at risk, break the law, get arrested, do what it takes to LET them go ahead of you? They CAN'T possibly WAIT to let you pass first! Come on, how insensible of you to think that the purpose of the toll bridge was to pay before you used the road!!!

 I could possibly go on and on about how insensitive and insensible people behave while driving, but then my words fail me...there are so many instances and so many types of nerds on the road that I guess I should write a book (will probably title it "Being a Woman Driver in India"). On a serious note, I think Indian government should also introduce driving tests for issuing DL and also, implement hefty fines for those breaking the rules; because they not only put their own life at risk, but also that of others in danger. I, personally, would love to live till I am old, and die amidst my grandchildren (not on road because of some idiot who decided to break the law for reaching 2 min early)!

The Little Things...

Those small little things that make your day, the habits that you don't realize you have, the little gestures that give the bounce back to life...that's what I have been observing lately.

I noticed that since Shiku likes to drink from the water bottle that I carry on my commute to office and back home, I am habitual of leaving some water for him, even if I am thirsty and feel like drinking the whole of it. I love the way he rushes to me and grabs the bottle from my hand, and then gallops the water that I had deliberately left for him. I don't understand what I like about this routine, but I simply miss it when on rare occasions, Shiku is too busy to ask for my water bottle...in that case, I hand it over to him.

I am loving driving these days...I drive all alone...listening to songs on my phone...and I sing along...loud! Since there is no one to listen or disturb...I love it. And there's no one to tell me that I am a bad singer;-) I did not know that I would enjoy commuting alone so much :-) It is one part of the day when I am with myself and not even bothering myself with thoughts...most of the time, I am so focused at driving that nothing else enters my mind...

The routine goodbye kisses to the kids and the predictable way they both react to them...I love that too. Even if I am getting late for work...kissing my kids is something I never leave home without. And when Chunchu kisses me and says "Take care of yourself, mamma" or "Have a good day"; and Shiku copies her word to word (even the tone) feels awesome!

I love it when I cook a meal and my little angels hog it like anything, just because I prepared it! Of course, this bit sometimes makes me a little sad too...wish I had a job where I could have enough time to cook every meal for them! The other day, I made pancakes and they remembered how often I used to make them while we were in Doha...kids remember so many things!

I also love it when Chunchu and Shiku write on the walls. I usually tell them not to, but that's always a superficial advice...in my heart, I feel glad when I see their scribblings on the wall. And I feel even better when they manage to do it secretly :-) Am I spoiling my kids? Well, in this matter, I don't care :-)

Chunchu and Shiku sometimes move around the house wearing my footwear...and they flaunt it, they try to walk like me...it's amazing to see those little cuties running around in my high heels! I also love it when Chunchu wears my t-shirt and shows off to everyone...and the funny thing is she keeps asking me how can my t-shirt fit her :-P (Well, it IS oversized, but she doesn't notice that).

Then, there's is this another thing that I have started observing lately. Recently, I started sleeping with the window open and facing it too. I can see the moon through that window, and when the sky is cloudy, the moon seems very pretty...love the sight!!

I have been watching some movies alone...Friday nights, after everyone goes to sleep and there is peace. Watching a movie all alone is really something!

Enjoying these small things and I wonder...why do we run after those big things which are just few, when there are so many little things to give us happiness!

My 'Little Prince' turns 3!

Yes, Shiku is 3 today! But why do I feel he is still the little boy who used to call me 'mimmi' and looked expectantly at me when I walked into the room?

So much has changed over the last 3 years...Shiku speaks full sentences, applies logic to unfamiliar situations, tries to compete with his sister for everything, and many a times, beats her at it ( though he is younger, thinner, and even shorter)! The one appreciable thing about him is he is very confident. He might be shy in the company of strangers and not talk as much he does at home (well, he is a chatterbox :-)), but the way he carries himself, the way he walks into a totally unknown place, the way he looks around at strange things and develops his understanding about them, is totally amazing.

Yes, every mother thinks her child is a genius and the cutest, so do I. But then, Shiku sometimes does talk like a very intelligent person and do I feel proud? There are so many questions he asks, and I wonder how did he even come up with it! There are so many logics and observations he mentions and surprises me with his innocent yet smart reasoning. There are so many things I didn't know he even knew and he remembers and repeats them so clearly that my heart swells with pride for him. And every time this happens, I utter so many prayers and wishes for him.
These days, Shiku's been learning many new things at school, and he is a fast leaner. But then, he never makes a fuss about anything new that he does. It is as if it is natural, and he rather expects himself to learn new things every day. If I appreciate him for his recognizing 'A B C' or for counting up to 10, he would gracefully accept the appreciation but won't feel too happy or proud about it. Kids mostly feel and show how happy they are getting appreciation from an adult; Shiku never does that.

He is also a very good observer, as most kids are, but he is capable of putting each and every observation of his in clear words. That's what amazes me all the time :-)

A wonderful coincidence that Mother's day and Shiku's b'day coincided...we've been wishing each-other since morning. The most wonderful thing about my son is this. In the morning, when I leave for work, I always kiss the kids goodbye and  ask them for a "bye kissi". Even if he's asleep, Shiku kisses at the mention of this phrase "Shiku, bye waali kissi..." and then, he just goes back to sleep, as if it was an automatic reaction to something that is programed into his mind! I love him for that!

I love him for saying "Good Evening" as soon as he sees me getting out of my car, when I get home from work. I love him for kissing me on my cheeks, on my forehead, on my nose - without any reason, and without even asking for it. I love him for the way he appreciates me, like today he said, "My mom drives very well!". I love him for the way he puckers up his mouth, puts his hand on my face and compliments, "Aap bahut achche ho...". I love him for competing with his sister to get the spot beside me for sleeping. I love him for the fact that he has made at least two lives wonderful - mine and Chunchu's. Chunchu said the other day, "Mumma, Shiku is the cutest!" and today, "Mumma, I love Shiku so much!"

Loads of love and tonnes of wishes to Shiku...have a healthy, happy, prosperous and long life!

Been a while...

Really been quite a while since I wrote on my blog...lots of things happened in last 2 months - some expected, some unexpected...good, bad, routine...

As I always believe, there are so many things to learn from every experience and that's what I have done...learnt a lot during past couple of months. Certain things that keep coming to my mind:

Sometimes, your good friends become your best friends in a rough situation; other times, some of them just stop being around...they might have their reasons, but you learn a lesson in friendship…you know who are/aren’t ready to take pains with you.
 

In different phases of your life, you’re a different person, only with the same basic qualities. Sometimes, you are very patient, calm and forgiving; other times, you might be irritable and unforgiving. When you see the latter behavior in others, try and understand what’s troubling them. And when you see it in yourself, try saying sorry more often…an apology can sometimes save a lot of trouble, and even a relationship.
 

Those who have been there for you, do deserve a second and even a third chance…but those, who despite being given so many chances, do not change…it’s high time they are out of your life. What’s the point of wasting your time and energy on someone who doesn’t care about you?
 

When you expect something out of a situation and that doesn’t happen, you have two choices – change the situation, or change your expectations. For a little while, both the approaches can work, but a permanent solution requires lot of self analysis and perseverance. Sometimes, what seems like the worst situation might bring out the best result possible. And who knows, it might just be a better path towards what you wanted to achieve in the first place! If you think you are in a mess and there seems to be no way out, leave it to God…he knows the best, after all!
 

Whatever the situation; however big the heartache; the words “I understand” do wonders. I have used them very often with my troubled friends and I have seen the effect they have…it’s miraculous how someone feels better just by knowing that someone understands what they are going through. Another phrase that works for every situation is “This too shall pass” – I have used it often to tell myself when I feel that there is absolutely no way out of the chaos life seems to be…there always is a way and if you are courageous enough to follow it, it always leads to a better result.

Many people have told me over the past one year that I am very strong and I inspire them in some way. But sometimes, I have broken down on the slightest of trigger, I have cried for trivial things. Life’s like that…you face the storm with the best in you but a careless remark thrown at you might hurt like hell. So what? That’s part of being humane…it is OK to cry when you feel there’s no other way to get the gibberish out of your system, it is OK to feel hurt when someone says something bad at your back, it is OK to be weak, only if after you’ve cried and felt hurt, you get up once again to face the storm. As they say “The brave are not courageous all the time, they are courageous longer”. As long you have it in you to accept the situation and make the best out of it, there is no stopping you from achieving success on your path.

For the first time, I have learnt to live in the moment, take everyday as it comes. Necessity really taught me an important lesson. In the days when my thoughts drifted to the uncertain future and scared me, I have fooled my mind by telling it – if this is the bottom, the best is yet to come, so be calm; it this is not the bottom yet, then, enjoy it while it lasts.

I have experienced emotions in me that I never thought I had, I have found capabilities in me that I never knew I possessed, and I have also seen in me the bitterness that I could let go. Now, I know, there are moments when you can feel helpless, frustrated and gloomy. But the moments that make the life worth living, surpass these by so big a number that I feel content. Difficulties do bring out the best in you, if you refuse to give up!

Thanking Chunchu

Every now and then, when there are times or moments of sadness, when I am tensed, I feel like thanking one person for the love that is bestowed upon me in those moments when it is needed the most. And that person is - my daughter Chunchu. She seems to sense even the smallest of my unhappiness and somehow, she has this art of making me feel better. She consoles me like a friend and keeps saying, "Mamma, please don't be sad. I don't like it when you are sad. Please smile." It is as if she has this connection with me to understand my feelings without saying. And I always wonder - how can a small child of just 4 years be so sensitive towards an adult's feelings? With Chunchu, it has always been like that. She has always been my strength and my friend whenever I needed one. Now, she can talk; when she couldn't, she managed to make me feel better just by her little gestures.

When Chunchu was more than a year old and I was expecting Shiku, there were days when I would be in lot of pain and was unable to do anything. Though she expected me to be around her all the time, playing with her and talking to her, yet if I asked her to let me rest for half an hour, she would nod her head. Then, she would let me lie down for the next 30 minutes without creating any noise or demanding anything from me. She would keep playing with her toys and if one of them fell, she would not ask me to pick it up, but would continue her own game for 30 min. Just about after 30 min, she would come to me, and would touch me gently, as if to tell me it that it was time for me to get up :-) I never understood how she knew what I said to her, what I meant and how she sensed the duration.

On the night Shiku was born, Chunchu clung to me and refused to let me go when I was leaving for the hospital, as if she sensed that her mom was not going to be home again soon. When I told her that I was going to bring a baby brother for her, she let me go reluctantly but she cried softly. Later that night, when I was slipping in and out of consciousness, the only thought that kept me struggling for life was that she needed me. Whenever my eyes closed and I reached into my subconscious, it was her I saw...still clinging to me. Even now, I remember the dress she was wearing that day and how she was clinging to me. It might sound far-fetched, but I feel that she was the reason I survived. I wouldn't have the will otherwise.

Then, when Chunchu was a little older, and she realized that there was something wrong with me, she would never demand me to take her in my lap, or feed her or play with her. She just knew that I needed rest and that I was too weak to continue with those normal activities. She adjusted very well to the fact that I was in pain and that she needed to stay away from me for a few months.

Even to this day, whenever I have been weak in front of Chunchu, she has always tried to help me in her own sweet way. And when someone teases her saying that her mom is not good, or anything negative about me, she retaliates. She is always ready to fight with anyone who says even the slightest negative thing about me, even when she knows it is being done playfully. She trusts me so much that if I tell her something and someone else says something opposite, she would refuse to believe that person and tell them that they are wrong since I know best :-) Well, at least one person thinks so...very flattering!

But more than that, I am overwhelmed by her behavior when she knows I am feeling low. She tries to cheer me up in her little sweet ways. On those occasions, I feel touched and proud at the same time.

I thank God for such a wonderful daughter. I see His presence in my life through her. It is said that children are His angels. I know my daughter truly is.