I remember reading an article long back, with the title 'why do we hurt those whom we love the most?'. I don't remember much about the content, just that when we love someone, we start to feel that we own them and they should behave in the way we want them to, so we end up hurting them. Same happens if someone tries to enforce upon us their behavior patterns.
But, I wonder, then can you call this love? Being in love with someone does not mean that we should try to change them in any manner. Some people might say that if you try to change someone for their betterment, then that's justified. Someone said to me the other day - don't we do the same to our kids...try to change them for their good. Well, in reply to all such thoughts, I have this to say. When we try to inculcate good habits and values into our kids, it is not same as changing them. We are trying to mould them and form their character, which is not there on birth. Secondly, don't most of the parents (I am guilty too) feel that they own their kids, and it is their responsibility to 'reform' them?
Also, parents' love and a couple's love is different. When you meet a grown up person and fall in love with them, don't you fall in love with their qualities that are different from yours? Then, after sometime, why do you try to change those very qualities? My perception is that all human beings are so comfortable with what they have in them (personal virtues & vices) that they want everyone they interact with to have the same. There are two reasons for this kind of feeling of comfort - first, we have lived with ourselves all along, so naturally we are at ease with ourselves; and second, we feel we have done the best with whatever our life offered us which means that we have the necessary tools for doing the best. So initially, in a relationship, we might be attracted to opposites of us, but with time, we start to get a little uncomfortable with what is different, and we try to make it same as what we have. Hence, start our efforts to change the other person. Sometimes, our partner might flow along and the relationship continues smoothly. But other times, they do not. So start the arguments, fights etc. Though of course, this might not be the only reason for fights among couples, yet this is a huge contributor.
Good analysis and might have been stated by many authors, in many books. But does just knowing this is helpful in preventing conflicts? Well, I am afraid not. What we really need to do is to practice restraint when we have the urge to advise without being asked; and not to be judgemental. Easier said than done, though. I am still struggling. Also, just one person's efforts in this direction do not suffice. A couple is made of two people, and the working of the relation needs efforts of both.
A friend of mine once told me that if we minimize or may be forgo our expectations, then we can be at peace with ourselves. This is even tougher to achieve. But we can try. Every time you are unhappy with the way things are, just ask yourself, what is my expectation from the other person, and did I enter into this relationship with a condition that this expectation must be fulfilled. Trust me, most of the times, the answer is 'no'. So there we go. Our problem might not disappear entirely, but it will be reduced to an extent where we can try to find some other solution.
But, I wonder, then can you call this love? Being in love with someone does not mean that we should try to change them in any manner. Some people might say that if you try to change someone for their betterment, then that's justified. Someone said to me the other day - don't we do the same to our kids...try to change them for their good. Well, in reply to all such thoughts, I have this to say. When we try to inculcate good habits and values into our kids, it is not same as changing them. We are trying to mould them and form their character, which is not there on birth. Secondly, don't most of the parents (I am guilty too) feel that they own their kids, and it is their responsibility to 'reform' them?
Also, parents' love and a couple's love is different. When you meet a grown up person and fall in love with them, don't you fall in love with their qualities that are different from yours? Then, after sometime, why do you try to change those very qualities? My perception is that all human beings are so comfortable with what they have in them (personal virtues & vices) that they want everyone they interact with to have the same. There are two reasons for this kind of feeling of comfort - first, we have lived with ourselves all along, so naturally we are at ease with ourselves; and second, we feel we have done the best with whatever our life offered us which means that we have the necessary tools for doing the best. So initially, in a relationship, we might be attracted to opposites of us, but with time, we start to get a little uncomfortable with what is different, and we try to make it same as what we have. Hence, start our efforts to change the other person. Sometimes, our partner might flow along and the relationship continues smoothly. But other times, they do not. So start the arguments, fights etc. Though of course, this might not be the only reason for fights among couples, yet this is a huge contributor.
Good analysis and might have been stated by many authors, in many books. But does just knowing this is helpful in preventing conflicts? Well, I am afraid not. What we really need to do is to practice restraint when we have the urge to advise without being asked; and not to be judgemental. Easier said than done, though. I am still struggling. Also, just one person's efforts in this direction do not suffice. A couple is made of two people, and the working of the relation needs efforts of both.
A friend of mine once told me that if we minimize or may be forgo our expectations, then we can be at peace with ourselves. This is even tougher to achieve. But we can try. Every time you are unhappy with the way things are, just ask yourself, what is my expectation from the other person, and did I enter into this relationship with a condition that this expectation must be fulfilled. Trust me, most of the times, the answer is 'no'. So there we go. Our problem might not disappear entirely, but it will be reduced to an extent where we can try to find some other solution.
