Today, its exactly 2 months since I quit my job...two months since I stopped commuting to office for a routine work. Well, I do not regret it but I am now tired of waiting...first for the passport, then for the visa!
As I mentioned in my last post, I am in love with Qatar. I am longing to go there, start my life again, and I feel I am stuck in the 'no-life zone'!
Before, I had a routine, kids too. Now, all we do is lazy around the house, waiting. Everyday, I think today might be my last in India, and I will miss it. But then, by evening, I am robbed of my emotions 'cause I do not understand how I should really feel...enjoy the last few days here, doing nothing or be worried about how less time I would have to settle everything down before I begin my stint as the working-mom avatar in Qatar. I no longer know how I should feel everyday, or every moment of the day!
You know, when you are going away and you have a date, you can keep your emotions at correct places, but I am lost since I do not know when. I am sure when it happens, it will not give me any time to ponder or feel, but right now, I am nowhere. Friends and relative ask - "when do you leave for Qatar?" The response is always the same, has been for last two months - "I don't know!" But these days, I add the f-word in the sentence, only in my mind of course! And then, there's a flurry of 'whys's and 'what happened's. Most of the conversations are spent in explaining to them the story of last two months - that figure again!!!
OK, I have tried to make fun of what I have been going through and I guess I am feeling better now. I was so sad since morning, not because of the waiting only though. There is another downside of having too much time on hands to kill. I read the whole newspaper and of course, it is not full of good things. There was an accident because of speeding, people killed! Then, more horrifying rape cases all over the newspaper. A 6-year old, a 16-year old, a mother...the country seems to be dismissing them as minor hitches in the otherwise glory that our nation seems to be attaining...WTF!!! Why don't we fear the boundaries anymore...and think like that about a little girl who probably wouldn't understand what happened to her but what would leave her scarred for life! How can anyone be that devilish? How can anyone do that to a child, or even to any woman? And why do they do it? If you want pleasure, there are other ways to get that...why do you have to spoil someone's life for a second of giving into your carnal desire? Don't these people ( I hate to call them people, they are worse than demons) stop to think or feel for a moment what their action can cause, how they are making the other person go through hell, for no reason? How do these victims recover and can they actually fully recover from such a ghastly event that happened to them? These are the times when I start to question the presence of God. How can He let that happen? And sometimes, I wonder if God is really a man.
I feel so helpless and so worthless when I know there is a woman or a girl out there who is suffering so much and I cant do anything to make her feel better, what will all my prayers do for her? Would she ever heal? Would she ever trust, have faith, or even have a life? I wish for a world where a woman's modesty is never compromised and a human being is never murdered. Is that even possible?
Or an evil thought - what if the roles are reversed for some time and men are supposed to be guarding their modesty and women could harm them the way men have done for centuries? God, are you listening?
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Saturday, February 18, 2012
I, Indian
Sometimes, and with me, many times, the plans do not work out like they should. Last year, I didn't know I would be going to Qatar again, this year I didn't know its going to take such a long time. I had planned to leave the country by Jan mid. I had quit my job, gave the notice to kids' school and I was ready.
But then, Chunchu's passport did not get renewed in time. It took about 5 months to arrive! A minor's passport, sent for renewal took 5 months, without any reason, without any problems, with no explanation! When I visited the passport office, they had no reason for delay...and I wondered why the hell an old man, Anna, is taking so much pain, to improve a country that is used of all the corruption and sloppiness.
I used to be very patriotic a while back...I used to love my country a lot...I still do. But my devotion has undergone a change. The delay in my daughter's passport is just one of the events that had made me realize that we as a nation, are not willing to change. We keep on doing the same mundane things everyday, walk down the same path everyday, and expect others to start a revolution. Our systems still work on two things - money and 'relations'. I finally received the much delayed passport, only when I asked a relative to talk to the RPO at passport office! It took several phone calls and personal visits to get a simple process to be completed.
There have been similar incidents throughout my life which have repeatedly shaken my faith in the system. When I talk to people my age, they sympathize with me, some talk of raising a voice, and some just say..."It is like that, you gotta live with it". Well, I know it is like that but I do not want to accept it. I want to change things, but how? How do I do my bit? Not pay bribe...OK. But then, what if I don't and everybody else does, and so I am expected to do the same. And those in authority create issues for me...delays are still not that frustrating but when you don't get what was rightfully yours, what do you do? What do you do when someone else is granted admission in an esteemed institution and you are denied despite the fact that you ranked 22nd in India? And later on, you come to know that it was because that person, who was not even among top 100, was capable and willing to pay the 'donation' and you weren't? When I was faced with this situation, I did raise my voice, I did stand against the system, but in the end, I lost! I lost because I was one person fighting the whole establishment and because I could not find the courage inside me to stand against the wrath of those in authority for 2 years of my life. So I got on with my Plan B. And life turned out to be OK. It might have been different, but better? Who knows?
Sometimes, when things are tough, I do go back to that moment and think how life would have been different for me? For one, I would have been an MBA...rest is an illusion. Anyway, so that's how most of us common men and women go on with our lives, never making any difference to anything around us...and the systems continue to be corrupt....slow....sloppy...same, basically. Though my step 10 years back had made it possible for at least a few students to fulfill their dreams of being an MBA, that itself is a consolation to me.
Coming back to Anna, I felt disappointed when he couldn't achieve what he set out to. I salute him for having the courage to continue on the path he laid out for himself...I think he did manage to bring this nation together for a great cause. But if all this does not achieve anything, it would be a shame. I feel ashamed for myself and the youth of my country who have been at the receiving end of so much unfairness and yet, we do nothing. Sometimes, we do not have the means, at other times, we lack courage.
But who am I to have a say in this matter...I am leaving this country to be in a place which feels safe, despite me being an outsider there; which has better facilities to make my life simpler; which makes me wonder when my own country will be as good. I love Qatar, may be not as much as I love my own country...but I do! It had made me feel at home...it has been my home, where I have learnt to be a full-fledged home-maker, and a mother. Though I would say the situations were more responsible for all this than the country was, but I still love staying in Qatar. I like the culture (so similar to India), I like the fact that women there are so independent, I like to live there. I am glad to be going back. Perhaps, the Indian woman inside me feels that her home lies where her family is. Perhaps, it is my up-bringing telling me that my first love are my husband and kids, and the country comes later...
Yet, I have the hope alive inside me that one day, my country will be as wonderful, as safe, as lovable, as worth-living, as so many NRIs find their countries of residence. One day...I will do my bit.
But then, Chunchu's passport did not get renewed in time. It took about 5 months to arrive! A minor's passport, sent for renewal took 5 months, without any reason, without any problems, with no explanation! When I visited the passport office, they had no reason for delay...and I wondered why the hell an old man, Anna, is taking so much pain, to improve a country that is used of all the corruption and sloppiness.
I used to be very patriotic a while back...I used to love my country a lot...I still do. But my devotion has undergone a change. The delay in my daughter's passport is just one of the events that had made me realize that we as a nation, are not willing to change. We keep on doing the same mundane things everyday, walk down the same path everyday, and expect others to start a revolution. Our systems still work on two things - money and 'relations'. I finally received the much delayed passport, only when I asked a relative to talk to the RPO at passport office! It took several phone calls and personal visits to get a simple process to be completed.
There have been similar incidents throughout my life which have repeatedly shaken my faith in the system. When I talk to people my age, they sympathize with me, some talk of raising a voice, and some just say..."It is like that, you gotta live with it". Well, I know it is like that but I do not want to accept it. I want to change things, but how? How do I do my bit? Not pay bribe...OK. But then, what if I don't and everybody else does, and so I am expected to do the same. And those in authority create issues for me...delays are still not that frustrating but when you don't get what was rightfully yours, what do you do? What do you do when someone else is granted admission in an esteemed institution and you are denied despite the fact that you ranked 22nd in India? And later on, you come to know that it was because that person, who was not even among top 100, was capable and willing to pay the 'donation' and you weren't? When I was faced with this situation, I did raise my voice, I did stand against the system, but in the end, I lost! I lost because I was one person fighting the whole establishment and because I could not find the courage inside me to stand against the wrath of those in authority for 2 years of my life. So I got on with my Plan B. And life turned out to be OK. It might have been different, but better? Who knows?
Sometimes, when things are tough, I do go back to that moment and think how life would have been different for me? For one, I would have been an MBA...rest is an illusion. Anyway, so that's how most of us common men and women go on with our lives, never making any difference to anything around us...and the systems continue to be corrupt....slow....sloppy...same, basically. Though my step 10 years back had made it possible for at least a few students to fulfill their dreams of being an MBA, that itself is a consolation to me.
Coming back to Anna, I felt disappointed when he couldn't achieve what he set out to. I salute him for having the courage to continue on the path he laid out for himself...I think he did manage to bring this nation together for a great cause. But if all this does not achieve anything, it would be a shame. I feel ashamed for myself and the youth of my country who have been at the receiving end of so much unfairness and yet, we do nothing. Sometimes, we do not have the means, at other times, we lack courage.
But who am I to have a say in this matter...I am leaving this country to be in a place which feels safe, despite me being an outsider there; which has better facilities to make my life simpler; which makes me wonder when my own country will be as good. I love Qatar, may be not as much as I love my own country...but I do! It had made me feel at home...it has been my home, where I have learnt to be a full-fledged home-maker, and a mother. Though I would say the situations were more responsible for all this than the country was, but I still love staying in Qatar. I like the culture (so similar to India), I like the fact that women there are so independent, I like to live there. I am glad to be going back. Perhaps, the Indian woman inside me feels that her home lies where her family is. Perhaps, it is my up-bringing telling me that my first love are my husband and kids, and the country comes later...
Yet, I have the hope alive inside me that one day, my country will be as wonderful, as safe, as lovable, as worth-living, as so many NRIs find their countries of residence. One day...I will do my bit.
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