Published...finally!

Finally, after 3 years of waiting for the 'right time', I decided to self-publish.
My first book is available here:
http://www.amazon.com/Love-It-Is-ebook/dp/B00927CLCC/ref=sr_1_3?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1345970030&sr=1-3&keywords=love%2C+it+is

So quoth Shiku...:-)

The funniest thing that happened in my house today...

I am dressing up Shiku after giving him a bath. He is used of asking several questions during bath time. Anyway, so today he says, "Chunchu didi said that girls are skin (meaning fair) color and boys are brown (meaning dark) color. Is it true?" I was surprised at the question and even at Chunchu's observations and I wondered she understood this courtesy which of the cartoon shows on TV. But I said to Shiku, "No dear. The color of the skin has nothing to do with guys and girls or any other factor." I gave him some examples of dark girls and fair boys from the family. And since, I did not want him to associate looks with skin color, I also told him, "Listen dear, God gave different skin color to everyone but He made them all beautiful." I was not prepared for what he said next!

He said, "But mama, why did God not make you beautiful?" Phew! OMG! Wow! How did that come about? OK, my illusion was shattered in that moment. No, not about my looks. I do not consider myself a beautiful person. I am just OK and I know it. Anyway...but I had always assumed that children found their mothers pretty because to them she is one person who loves them and nurtures them and is the first woman they know. I always found my mum pretty. I am yet to see any child who would, at the age of 4, say that their mom is not pretty. ALL children, before they hit the teens, consider their moms pretty. So why did my son have to be so different? Well, to say the truth, it did break my heart a little bit. But then I remembered the person Shiku thought was pretty.

We were watching the movie Aarakshan and Shiku coyly had remarked that he found the auntie on screen (Deepika Padukone) very beautiful. So I know his standards are high! I somehow mended my shattered heart telling myself that its OK if the child is not illusive.

Anyway, so the next thing Shiku remarks is, "Except that you look really beautiful in the frocks that you wear!" Ahh, so he likes a 'modern' mama who wears knee-length dresses, rather than the traditional mum he has got! Now I get it!

Later, I had a hearty laugh over his remark. And of course, Chunchu told me she thinks I am pretty. I guess that will help...till she also starts saying otherwise. :-)

Remembering a Friend

I have been thinking of writing this tribute since I came to know of the sad news...but I somehow could not bring myself to accept the fact that PK is no more. I mean it was not sudden, I knew this was coming; he was fighting with a fatal disease for so long. But then, he was so young! He has a young daughter and thinking about her makes me cry.

I remember the first time I met PK. He took my interview about two years back. I was struggling to find a good offer and I half expected the interviewer to be as pompous as the others had been...trying to show off their knowledge rather than accessing yours! But he was different; he made me feel comfortable and when I answered a very obvious question incorrectly, he simply stated the facts and explained it to me like a teacher. And I got the job!

Few days later, he came and said hello. That marked the beginning of a friendship to last for the rest of his lifetime, which unfortunately was short. I remember asking him for advice and sharing things with him when I was upset with the boss, the organization, the system etc. He had a remarkable quality of listening whole-heartily and in the end, making it sound so simple. I almost never heard him say anything negative about anything or anyone.

It was a few months before he told me about his illness. I was taken back and I brooded over that for so many days. I wondered where he found the strength from, to deal with what he had been through. And, I asked him one day to tell me all about it. PK and I discussed it so many times and I asked him if he would ever let me write about him. I wanted to spread the positivity he lived with. It was then he confessed that it was painful. It was physically painful and mentally exhausting to go through it every single day of your life. Though at that time PK was healing, he knew cancer could come back. He was still on medication, after going through painful chemo sessions and he was just taking it in his stride to make the most of the time he had. He said he would love to talk to me all about it whenever I was ready to write. And I remember telling him that I would do it when he became absolutely well! That never happened though.

I remember the second time the deadly disease was diagnosed, he had to cut short an overseas assignment and come back to India for treatment. I remembered him telling me that the chemo was really painful and I wished for his fast recovery. When I saw him after he resumed work, it was hard to hold back my tears, and I was able to do it only because I wanted him to believe that I had faith. But that day, I could see what lay ahead. I am sorry to write this but that day I saw death hovering above him. Probably he also knew, because he didn't talk to me candidly about his illness as he used to before. He stopped talking about it and I never wrote that piece we had agreed upon.

PK used to be in my prayers a lot after that. They say that God answers all your unselfish prayers, so I reminded God about this every time I prayed to him for PK. But this prayer went unanswered. I guess I was late in asking Him for PK's long life.

I remember when I resigned from the organization, I told him that he had 2 months (my notice period) to gain back all the weight he had lost. I sincerely wanted to see him healthy before I left the country.

I wrote to him from here and he replied only once. The gap between my email and his response scared me and I prayed to God to not give me any bad news. I was relieved when he wrote back. That was his last email to me, and when I chanced upon it today while cleaning my mailbox, I knew I had to write about him.

I regret I didn't call him the day I went to India. Perhaps I could have spoken to him, maybe not. He was probably hospitalized then. He passed away just 2 days later I landed in India. I came to know through a common friend. The first thing I said was I wished I had made that call. Would it had made any difference? I don't know. I don't even know if he had been in a position to talk, yet I regret it.

I had lost another friend many years back. She still haunts my thoughts every now and then, more so because she wrote her very last letter to me. She told me she was going to kill herself. Only then I knew that how much she had loved me since she remembered me in her last moments. For many years, her memories reassured me when I was sad. But time is a great healer, it makes you forget the pain. So did happen with N. Her memories faded and became less frequent. But I can never forget her completely.

That's the thing about losing someone. When they go away, you might not think of them all the time. But occasionally, they pop up in your mind and you think about what you said to them, what they said to you, what you did together, how nice they were, how they affected you and how they touched something inside you. And then, in cases like PK, you also think about the ones they left behind. You understand their loss and their pain and you pray that God gives them enough strength to deal with it.

All I can say right now is rest in peace, my friend, PK. I am sure you will be fondly remembered by many.

Children

Life is constantly changing...time is flying by. I look back at the last 6 years, and feel like a nomad. I have been shifting from one place to another, one country to another. I have shuttled between India and Qatar so many times that I wonder how I managed to adjust to so many changes in my life. Well, I think it is pretty simple. One, I really start liking every place I live at. I loved Bangalore, I liked Arizona (where I was only for a few months) and I like Doha too. Two, there are certain constants in my life that made me so secure about life. Who else? My kids, most importantly and also, my family. They have always been there - supporting me, loving me.

Coming back to the kids, it's such a wonder to see them growing so fast. It seems like yesterday when I only had Chunchu and then, Shiku came along; and life was never the same! They both are a handful, in every way. But also, they somehow manage to give me some time to myself when I need it. Having two kids is a blessing in itself. They keep each-other busy, find so many different ways to play and also, fight and resolve amongst themselves. So basically, the parents are able to find some space.

Some really sweet things that my children do are simple things, yet they make a difference to me. They invariably bring a smile to my face and there are so many small moments of gratification and overall content with life. For instance, when I told them I was going to publish my book of stories, Chunchu was like, "Yipee! So now, you will have more stories to narrate to us!" I explained to her that those stories were for grown-ups and she could read them when she grew up. She thought for a moment and said, "OK. But you have to write a book for children's stories also. Would you know how to write stories for children?" I replied, "You know, when you were younger, I used to make up a story every night to tell to you." She felt so glad hearing this, she hugged me and said, "Ohh that's so sweet of you, mama." But the questions were not over yet. She asked, "So when you publish your book, you will be a writer. Then, can you stop going to office and stay at home? Because I think you write stories from home." Well, I was not surprised as she had deduced this from my past conversations with her, but I was taken back by her expectation that I would quit my job as soon as I published my book. So I explained to her that my book should sell and more and more people should read it, like it and buy it. Then, if I meet a publisher who can probably hire me for writing more books, then I would be able to quit. Till then, I have to keep working. She again reflected and said, "OK. You can go to office as long as you like. We are growing up now. We will learn to take care of ourselves." And yes, her approval did matter to me! Finally, after 6 months, she allows me the liberty to choose to work as long as I want. I felt so glad to hear that. I know how tough it had been in these past months when every few days she would ask me if I had decided to quit and when I was going to. Every single thing she didn't like (e.g. having an argument with the nanny), she would blame on the fact that I worked! And I seriously started considering a time frame for my job. Now, I am relieved! But I am scared that once the school reopens, she might go back to the same old question!

Shiku, on the other hand, questions every day surroundings. He is more of an observer, I guess. His questions range from the color of the soap to the writing on the t-shirt to why he has to eat on his own despite being a baby etc etc. Sometimes, he goes from one question to another without waiting for an answer. He usually doesn't bother about my presence or my attention, till Chunchu demands it. When she does, then he realizes he has equal right over me, (even more since he is a baby) and he never lets Chunchu cuddle me for long. Chunchu's argument is "Why is Shiku still a baby when he is 4 years old? He is now a big child! He is only 1.5 years younger to me? How can he be a baby when I am not?" Well, I know she's right. But I guess that's how it is with the younger ones. I explain to her saying that I love them equally but Shiku is a bit naughtier than her. So I need to pay a little more attention to him to keep him safe. All she says is, "Huh!"

That's usually day-to-day things that happen with me and for weeks, the children seem like stuck on pretty much the same things. And then, without my noticing, the questions change, reactions change and I wonder when did they grow up? It's been like that for past six years, and yet my experiences of their first year are as fresh. I look at their pictures of that time, and I wonder how did they ever become so big! And sometimes, I feel like going back to that time and enjoying those days again, perhaps correcting a few mistakes I made as a parent. But then, at that time, I didn't know they were mistakes. I guess parents also keep growing with their children. We also keep learning and I am sure this will continue for the rest of our lives. Our children will always be our inspiration for making us look at the things in a new way, moulding ourselves, changing our thoughts and outlook for them. A day will arrive when the children will go away but will leave us behind with so many wonderful memories and experiences, while they build their own memories and create their own experiences.

Chunchu claimed today that she would love me and her teddy the same as now (meaning that she loves us the most), even when she has her own kids (wonder where did that come from!). And I found myself telling her that everyone loves their own children the most, and she will also do it. I gave her an example of how I loved her and Shiku more than anyone else. But she was not convinced. Well, I am glad she loves me that much now and that's enough. And I am secretly glad that the teddy (to her, it's her daughter, 'Toshi') does not rank above me ;-) It would be heart-breaking to be beaten by a soft toy :-)