Thinking Positive on a Bad day

All of us hear and pass on one advice too often and that is - to think positive. It is a simple thing to do…isn’t it? But only when everything is fine in life, when the life is almost as you want it to be. How easy it is to tell someone to think about good things, have encouraging thoughts and feel good about self, but how often can we follow this advice when we are having a bad day ourselves?

Even the most balanced people falter when they come face-to-face with a tough situation. I think it is not humanely possible to be cheerful all the time, be smiling when you are sad from inside and be calm when all you want to do is scream at the top of your voice. In my opinion, it is fine to be vulnerable or sad or angry or disappointed. It is OK to have negative thoughts once in a while. After all, life is not all roses all the times. Sometimes, thorns do prick and no one likes that. Our mind wants to wander from the path of all peace and get a taste of not-so-good thoughts once in a while. Sometimes, it is OK to feel that way; it is OK to think that way.

Now I am not going to preach about how to avoid these negative emotions and how not to think about what is wrong etc. We all know those tricks very well; don’t we? Yes, we know what helps - deep breathing, trying to think good things, feeling the fresh air, looking at nature etc! Yes, we are aware of all this. But then, who is in a mood to actually look around and see those beautiful colorful flowers and smile when inside, I am burning with hatred towards life? Life is unfair after all, and those flowers should not be blossoming when I am sad! Who has the wish to block negativity and listen to the sounds of birds and feel the music in air, when all I want to do is burst my lungs shouting? Well, may be I don’t feel like getting better. Maybe, I want to sulk. Perhaps, I want to rebel, break the rules, be cranky and get upset about every small thing that comes my way.

I say, so what? It is fine to think of letting everyone go to hell, once in a while. I am sure you are not harming anyone if one day out of so many days of your life, you don’t feel like doing anything, and just waste your time cribbing about anything and everything. And, I am positive that if you don’t put these harmful thoughts into action and you don’t let them linger for too long in your mind, you are still good!

You know what is the best way to strengthen a thought? Resist it! This works even better than the method of repetition. So, if you flout these negative emotions, they will feed upon your struggle and grow. Ignoring something negative works better than resisting it? Resisting it implies you are tempted. Ignoring means you are simply not interested. Isn’t it better to let these bad vibes come and pay no attention to them so that they go away themselves?

It is OK to cry or scream into a pillow. But then, at one moment you will have to get up, wipe your tears, compose yourself and move on. You will have to try your best with the situation you are in. So why not time your screaming and crying? Sounds foolish? Well, try it and you will find yourself looking forward to the time to stop. Who know, you might stop before it is time.

When I am having a bad day, I give myself a task to complete by the end of the day. And guess what? When I am done, all the anger, hurt and even a slight discomfort is no longer there. I feel good about not only accomplishing my task, but also about being able to win against those hurtful parasitic thoughts. Sometimes, they do try to creep into your mind when you are in the middle of your work, but then you can focus on how nice the weather is (appropriate for what you are doing) or if you are breathing in a right manner. These small trivial things take your mind off whatever was disturbing you and you are good to continue your work. The battle is won!

When you are having a bad day, do just one thing different from the routine, however small or insignificant it might seem. It will make a difference. Like today I was having a bad day and I decided to write an article about it. Here it is.

My Little Achievers

Chunchu and Shiku...of course!
Shiku completed one month at school today. Before he was admitted to school, he was always willing and in fact, too keen to follow in the footsteps of his sister. Sometimes, he used to miss Chunchu, and at other times, he even used to cry asking to let him accompany her. So I started sending him to school at such a tender age. He is in play group, where in he just enjoys his day with other kids, some even younger than him, and sometimes, he learns a little. The activities they do vary from drawing lines, coloring etc to singing poems and learning numbers and alphabets. He enjoys that part. The part that he detests is when he is ready and realizes he has to leave in a minute. I used to hear about what he does during that one minute from mom and Chunchu everyday. Last week, I was on leave for two days and saw it myself. And, did I enjoy it? Well, at first when he started crying and screaming, my heart went out to him, and I thought that he is too young to go to school, perhaps. But the next moment, when I carried him down the stairs, he bade goodbye to everyone, including a lizard he spotted on the wall! That was really a sight to watch...one minute throwing a tantrum saying "Atti (his name for himself) won't go" and then the other moment, enthusiastically saying "bye bye, lizard, momma, mummy, nana...bye bye".
Coming to my other little achiever Chunchu...she won two gold medals yesterday when her school held a sports day. She participated in a coin race and dupatta race, winning both of them! My angel! The night before yesterday, she was telling me about their practice for these races, and she was upset that she came second. OMG, how she hates coming second! She kept telling me she wanted to be first. So I told her, "Tomorrow when you have this event, why don't you run as fast as you can? Having good dinner tonight and breakfast tomorrow morning will help you give strength." She was pleased to hear that and had a hearty meal. Yesterday when I came back from office and she showed me her medals, I kissed her congratulating her. She said, "Mumma, I came first because I had become strong after having good dinner and breakfast!" I wondered if that statement really encouraged her. Sometimes, even we as adults want to hear someone telling us that we can do it and then, we go ahead giving our best and emerge winners.
I wish my Little achievers grow up to become big ones and they still keep the spirit to fight till the end.

Giving Back...

I have been thinking of getting involved in some voluntary social activities for about 3-4 years now. All the past attempts failed for some or the other reason. The other day I was thinking about how to find some way to give back to the society, and as if a wish comes true, the community program committee at office dropped an email asking for people to volunteer. I decided that this was an opportunity to go beyond a registration, so I volunteered to teach children on the nearest scheduled day i.e. today. Somehow, I missed the meeting yesterday, yet I got talking to someone today morning and came to know that the volunteers are visiting a nearby school today. A sign!
Well, so I went there and taught these children for about 3 hours. We read an adaptation of Gulliver's travels, did some exercises, learnt new words and even a song. Since the children did not know any English song, I taught them one of the easiest ones..."We shall overcome". I chose this one since it was easy to learn as it is based on "Hum honge kamyaab", and also because I find this song very inspiring (that was the mood for today :-))
When I returned to office, I felt refreshed and energetic. The work somehow seemed better :-) And when I had to stay back in office till late, I didn't mind it...in fact, accomplished another pending task!
Today was a good day, all in all. A simple act of giving back (through a medium that I absolutely love) made a difference to my efficiency. I think I should try this more often.

Happy days...Sad days...Festive days...

In the last couple of weeks, I have logged into my blog account, started writing something and did not finish it. Sometimes, there are no words to describe what I am feeling inside; sometimes, what I want to write about needs such a long background description that I go against writing it. Other times, I just don't feel like putting my thoughts into words (of course, when I log in, I thought I would want to). So it has been quiet on my blog...
A few festive days went by during this time - Karwa Chauth (that day, I wanted to write about our 'Mehandi adventure'), then there was Ahoi Ashtmi (fasting for my kids...that felt quite good :-)) and Diwali yesterday. I like this season in India...there are many reasons to celebrate. There is lots of activity everywhere around you, and there are lots of opportunities to rejoice. But then, sometimes, the joy does not come from inside you. Some days, you are just sad and do not like the festivities around you. Those are the days when you need a friend...someone who understands without asking questions; someone who lends you a shoulder and lets you cry just because you feel like shedding tears; someone who is there, no matter if you cry or get irritated without any rhyme or reason. And sometimes, you find that friend in your loved ones, even kids.
Yesterday, I felt gloomy, I don't know why. There were probably many reasons...perhaps because of things that didn't go well in last few days. Chunchu and Shiku were of course excited about playing with crackers and I was not in the mood. Yet, when my sis asked me to at least be with the kids, I went outside (leaving the novel I was trying to write to get away from sadness), and I saw them happy about the sounds and lights of crackers all around. Now, I do not like bursting crackers because of just one reason - I like to not contribute to the sound and air pollution. My kids are too small to understand all this, and no one appreciated my even trying to explain it to them, so I let them be.
So, back to the moment that sucked away the gloom...Chunchu tells me how much she's enjoying crackers and then, she goes ahead to show to me how much she loved the 'phooljhari' and 'anaar'...she lights them and is very pleased with herself. Shiku, on the other hand, keeps covering his ears saying that he does not like crackers, but when I ask him to come inside with me, he insists on watching the skies for beautiful lights! So, I, Shiku and Chunchu sit there to watch the sky going bright and colorful with every new cracker that goes up and bursts to form a wonderful pattern. Now, someone near our house decided to play a game...consecutive crackers in the sky...all with different bursting patterns. And, in just a matter of 5 minutes, I am one with the kids...enjoying watching those things go up and form a splendid sight! Shiku and Chunchu are sitting close to me, Shiku lies down in my lap, and all three of us watch the beautiful patterns for may be 15-20 minutes. Something stirred inside me and I felt content, all the sorrow just vanished into thin air...polluted air! Again, I thanked God for bringing these kids into my life!
That's how it is with life...one moment you are feeling bad about trivial things, and next moment, you feel glad about the important ones! So that was Diwali for me.
Now, a little something about the Mehandi adventure I mentioned before. It was the night before Karwa Chauth. Everyone is excited about decorating their palms with henna, but mom did not do it that day, because she could not go out taking the kids with her. I felt a little guilty since mom likes mehandi a lot and she did not get it done for my kids, so I insisted that we put the kids to sleep and then go to the market, while dad and Sid babysat for us. But by the time the kids went to sleep, it was late. The nearby market closed. Now, all of us (Chachi, Damini, mom and I) did not want to go back empty handed (or empty 'palmed'), so we started walking towards another market. Then comes a rickshaw puller and we decide that at least two of us can go in the rick. But this guy says we can all go with him. So we 4 fat women climb onto that rickshaw and the poor guy pulls it. Of course, he charged us 4 times than usual, but who were we to complain ;-) The rickshaw of course squealed throughout and I guess all of its screws and joints must have become loose after that ride ;-P It was worth it in the end, when we reached our destination and saw we weren't the only ones so desperate for a 'palmful' of henna...there were lots of people like us, all the shops were open and the marketplace seemed awesome. There were many young couples where the hubby held a kid and the wifey got a henna...after all, the wife fasts for her husband, so he can oblige as much :-)
Coming back to today, I had to get my wisdom tooth extracted and I am writing to get my mind off the pain. But its time now to stop putting on a brave-front and take the damn pain killer!
Happy Diwali to everyone!

A book I read long ago...

As a child, I almost never read any non-fiction or self-help books, but I remember reading one particular book, which contained quite a few interesting concepts. I have not forgotten them till date, though I have read number of such books since then. Of course, I still believe that these self-help books mainly contain what we have been reading in 'Gita', things which we already know, but never implement or may be do not understand. But then, such books simplify these things we know, they explain them and help us to implement them in a simple and logical way.
Coming back to the concepts in that book, I do not even remember the name of it. Anyway, there were few things that stayed with me and that I have observed to be so true. Some of them are:
"When you do not like something someone said or did, you can throw it in your 'mental trash bin'." It is very difficult to actually forget something without thinking of it. Then, the whole purpose of forgetting goes waste. So, sometimes you can fool your mind by marking certain things as 'for trash'. If you practise this for sometime, the mind gets habitual and understands that once something gets marked 'for trash', it is not supposed to be remembered.
"When you cannot solve your problems, go ahead and solve someone else's, so that you get some space to bury your own." Well, I observed that my problem was there to stay, but I helped someone in their issues. So, finally the result was that I got so involved in finding solution to their problems, that for sometime I forgot my own. Plus, my mind came into the 'solution-searching' mode, so it became easier to solve my own problem. Of course, getting away from my own issues also helped me relax and find some peace.
"You are not the only one with a set of problems; someone else might be facing similar ones, so learn from them." How true is this! Sometimes, when you look around, you see that many people might be facing similar issues as yourself, and by observing these people, you get ideas on how to resolve your own issues. Also, the knowledge that you are not alone in your pain, somehow makes it easier to bear.
There are so many small things that you might have known all along, or may be learnt some time in the past, and you realize the importance of those lessons only when you face a situation in life, which makes use of that knowledge. All such events strengthen my belief that no knowledge ever goes waste. Ever!
As a friend said to me some time back, that there is one basic difference between me and the people of my generation brought up under similar circumstances - that I read a lot. Yes, books do change a lot in one, if one is ready to learn. And we should be grateful to be living in an era where books (and hence, knowledge) is so easily accessible.

Why Happiness is Illusive?

Many of us, many times in life, have asked ourselves this question. Why am I not happy with all that I have? Why do I want more all the time? And almost all of us have found different ways to answer the question, yet how many of us are truly happy in this moment? Not many.

I have read a lot on happiness. I have followed different advices and different ways to be happy. Many a times, I have failed. For the first few days of starting a new approach, I am successful and pretty proud of myself in being able to implement what I have learnt. But when the realities of life strike, I fail. Now, the reason is not that I was doing something wrong or there was anything wrong with the approach. Every approach has helped many people. That is precisely why there are so many courses and books dealing with the subject. But then, that is also precisely why there are so many; because every person cannot be helped in only one way. All of us are different in so many obvious and subtle ways, that we need different things and ways to be happy. Also, if you ask the people who have found happiness in some way or the other, they will tell you it was not sudden and it was not only in one way. They might have taken years to reach that state of mind, and they might have taken number of courses, read several books before something really clicked for them. But one thing is for certain. These people always found happiness when they stopped searching it around and searched it within. Another advice that we have heard too often! Yes, but then did we ever try to understand what it means for us?

The first step on the way to happiness is to identify what brings happiness to us; this is what most books and courses tell us. Well, I disagree. I think, in trying to find the source of happiness for myself, I am trying to tie my happiness to just one thing, or just a few things. But happiness need not be tied to events, achievements, material or even spiritual reasons. Being happy should mean being content with myself all the time, being glad all the time. Impossible, when you have to deal with so many disappointments in everyday life, when there are so many people around you trying to bring you tears etc. Right? My answer to that question is: so what? So what I am not rich enough to travel the world; so what I am not beautiful enough to be the most popular girl in my circle; so what I am not successful enough to make every person envious of me; so what I am not a man with the prettiest wife, or a woman with the ideal husband; so what if my kids did not turn out the way I wanted them to…so what? There are so many ‘so what’ questions that each one of us can ask ourselves and then, we will see that our happiness, or peace, or contentment really does not depend on any of the things that we have made ourselves believe to be most important to us. Only then we will see that we can be happy despite everything and with nothing. There is only one thing that determines your happiness – you. The first step to happiness is to decide to be happy. If I tell myself every single day that I am happy, no matter what, and my happiness just depends on me, and my desire to be happy; I will be happy.

Of course, there will be disappointments, there will be hurts, there will be losses, and there will be negative thoughts and feelings. There might even be huge failures. But all this is just a part of life. Our thoughts, feelings, failures, successes, losses, gains etc are not life itself. So, if we take them as just a part of being, a part of living, these things will not make us sad. They might make us feel bad for a few moments, but then, that’s also part of being human. We cannot always have the same emotion going on inside us, all the time. Emotions change, so do situations. But happiness does not depend upon them. Happiness depends just on me and my desire to be happy. So, I am happy.

Chunchu's 4th Birthday

26 September...Chunchu turned 4 :-) The last 4 years have been amazing with her. Motherhood is nothing short of a roller coaster ride. They say you experience emotional turmoil in love...but I have experienced such varied emotions being a mother that I do not even remember how life was before Chunchu and Shiku became a part of it. How beautiful is it to have someone love you the way no one else can...my children have shown me the true meaning of love and life. They love me despite my weaknesses and despite whatever anyone else feels for me. They don't feel anything but love for me...I wish it lasts forever! I know there will be times when during their growing up years, we will have arguments, difference of opinions and even fights sometimes, but I pray that the underlying love lives forever.
Chunchu is the symbol of immense joy in my life. If it was not for her, I probably would not have the desire to fight for my life that fateful night when I saw death so close. I still remember when I was being wheeled into the ICU, all I said to my husband was "take good care of my Chunchu." I had never known anything like what I felt then before. Of course, now both the children are a part of me that I am not ready to give up on this most wonderful aspect of my being...how much ever tough life gets, whatever it has in store for me.
Yesterday, the celebration went very well. Chunchu got very nice gifts from everyone...so many people dote on her! She was very happy. And most of them gave something to Shiku as well, to let him feel important too :-) Kids are so sweet...both of them were so pleased with the celebration, with that fact that we adults were trying to be children with them and we all had good fun. All of us wore little masks, scraped the cake from the plate directly, and basically let ourselves enjoy. I think if all adults could be more like kids several times during the day, how much simpler the life would be :-)
Whenever I think of the long time I have waited for Chunchu to be born, how many times I have prayed for her health and happiness; and how many times I have felt proud and grateful for her love, I feel nothing else matters. Chunchu is that ray of light which drives away all the darkness; she is that smile that wipes away all tears; and she is that joy that makes everything in life meaningful. I do not have words to describe what she means to me, but just that I am incomplete without her! (Actually, without Shiku too...but I will describe that in another post...after all this is for Chunchu).
This post is probably very emotional, but today I am overwhelmed...I thank God for giving me the joys of motherhood. And, I wish my kids grow up to be very good, strong, compassionate and loving people. May God grant them health, happiness and prosperity always.

Shiku's Innocence gives an Important Lesson

Shiku did something very sweet and innocent today, and I want to record it here.
He was playing with his toys...he took one plastic glass and covered and it and showed it to Manjusha saying, "Akku aasi(maasi), see tower!" Manjusha replied, "Baby only one thing cannot make it a tower, you have to put something on top of it for that." Now, what Shiku did next was amazingly nice...he took a piece of paper, and put it on top of his 'tower', with so much sincerity, as if that solved the problem. Of course, he did what he was asked to do...it's not his fault the instruction was not clear enough!
That got me thinking...isn't our mind exactly the same? And, aren't we giving it similar unclear instructions. For example, when I am in pain, I keep saying, "Oh God, I am having so much pain, I can't..." etc. Of when I want something, what do I say? "I wish I could have that...why don't I have it...why can't I..." etc. So, what does my mind understand? That I am in pain, I can't have something. So what does it do...it makes me feel the pain more. 'I can't have that thing I desire' gets written down into my mind! So what do I get?
I remember someone once said to me, "Our mind is like a computer. What you instruct it to do, that's what you get!" So, what should I instruct my mind to do?
I should perhaps try saying, "I am thankful that I have X and have the wisdom and will to work to get Y...". Many a times, it works. These days, I have observed this kind of thing working for small things...wishing for rain, or a clear sky, for small things troubling me to get resolved etc. Of course, I have to work a lot to think like that all the time...at least I have begun :-)
And, I wish Chunchu and Shiku keep reminding me such important lessons and of course, keep learning themselves :-)

Peace in Forgiveness

(Reproduction of my article in 'The Woman')

We all go through tough times in our lifetimes. Many a times, the grief has been brought upon by someone close to us, causing a lot of frustration and anger to reside within us. If these emotions dwell inside a mind for too long, they end up spoiling the strength and peace of that person. So it is always best to get rid of anger, to forgive the ones who hurt you.

Easier said than done, many would argue. Yes, it is really tough to forgive someone without venting out what you might be holding inside you; without saying what you ought to have said (of course, to get back); and without pointing fingers and hurting them in return. But before you get onto such a path, do ask yourself what the higher gain would be, from such an endeavor. Will you achieve peace or joy? I am sure you will not. When you start to take a step towards blaming others for your sorrows and your state of mind, unfortunately, you are handing them the control of your emotions. Then, you would never find peace until that person completely disappears from the face of earth. Even then, you might end up wishing them to be around to vent out more of your anger onto them. The cycle of pain and accusations would go on.

So, if your ultimate aim is finding peace for yourself, the only key is forgiveness. There might be a long time before you can forgive someone who has betrayed your trust, who has manipulated your feelings, and who has never given you what you deserved. But then, constantly hating them for their actions would still keep you connected to them in a way. Would it not be better to break all relation to people who have caused hurt, even that of hatred or anger? Chetan Bhagat describes it so perfectly in his book ‘Two States’- Forgiveness does not do anything to the wrong doer, but it makes a lot of difference to the sufferer by reducing the baggage they carry on their heads all the time.

Try this simple exercise to know yourself how much difference it would make to your attitude if you learned to forgive. When you are hurt and angry, and you start thinking about the object of your hatred, record the time that those ugly thoughts stay in your mind. Do this for a day. You will be shocked at the result. And now, think of all the constructive things you could have done with that time, had you spent it in a better way.

So next time you feel like cursing someone, observe yourself. Focus on the changes that your body undergoes – change in your breathing, your eyes narrowing, may be reddening of your face. Also, observe what your mind feels afterwards. It feels more irritable, more restless. There is no lifting of baggage, contrary to popular belief. In fact, thinking such negative thoughts about someone actually attracts more negativity hence strengthening the anger and increasing the emotional wreckage. Sometimes, when we vent out negative things by talking about them, we may feel a temporary relief. But soon afterwards, the feelings return, sometimes even with a greater force.

Hence, the best therapy for anger is forgiveness. Whatever someone may have done to you, how much ever times it takes you to accept the situation, yet in the end you have to forgive and then only, you can be at peace. Forgiveness might be tough, but is not impossible to achieve. All you have to do is be aware of the feeling of hatred as soon as it touches you. Then, you have to tell yourself that it is OK to feel hatred but you are not supposed to hang on to that feeling. At that moment, think of some moment of love with someone who still cares for you, or a moment of achievement that gave you real happiness. The hatred will melt away in its own shadow. With practice, you might start associating these good feelings with the person who hurt you and will be able to forgive them, eventually. And with time, that wrong doer will not be able to evoke any negative emotions in you, and you will be able to think about the past without any anger or frustration. Some day, you might even talk about it and not be affected by it. That would be the ultimate peace. After all, forgiveness is the attribute of strong.

Chunchu got a Prize

Yesterday, Chunchu had a poetry recital competition at her school. The poem was supposed to be in Hindi and at least 8 lines long. So I chose "Chunnu Munnu the do bhai..." for her.
She liked it so much that she got the hang of it within a couple of days. She practised and really recited it nicely. But she was not able to say 'rasgulla'. Anyway she sounded cute with her mispronunciation.
So, yesterday she stood on a stage and recited the poem into a mike, in front of everyone at school. I was secretly worried she would be too shy to do that, but she surprised me. And she was very happy when she returned home. She told me how everything happened. She said everyone had applauded her after her performance, so she felt very glad. Well, I felt proud of her!
Today, her teacher informed us that she had won the second prize and would be receiving the same on stage on her school's Annual day function. I almost cried with pride. I felt so happy. Such little achievements of a child matter so much to parents! But sadly, she did not share my enthusiasm. Rather, she started crying why she did not come first!!!! I had to convince her that even second was good and that she did very well; and that I was so proud of her. After a while, I realized she did not understand that second was next to first. So then I told her second means being number 2 out of many children at her school. Then, she felt fine. But still, she kept insisting she wanted to be first. So I told her that she could try harder next time for a first prize :-)
This is Chunchu's first ever win and I feel glad. I wish there would be many such occasions in life when I can be proud of her, and she could be proud of herself too.

Interview, ketchup stain, and everyday life

When you don't even realize until you are 5 minutes away from the interview venue that you have a ketchup stain on your shirt...and when you don't know that you forgot the notes you were studying from, until the last minute...that's the ways of a mother :-)
Yes, I had an interview and my little angel had her coloring competition. The fact that she got a certificate (her first ever!) for the same was even more rewarding than the fact that I have been given a green signal for the next round!
While both of us were getting ready for our respective activities for the morning, Shiku kept insisting that he wanted to 'ulol' (i.e. color) too!
Wow...sometimes I just don't have enough words to express the kind of wonders I experience day in and day out with my little kids around. It is amazing how Shiku keeps increasing his vocabulary still sticking with his basic style - keeping the first consonant silent! So, mamma becomes amma; didi becomes adi (or unchu didi for chunchu didi); Siddhartha becomes ida and sometimes iddhartha; masi becomes aasi and so on. He can say the same consonant when it is not the first letter of the first word in his sentences.
Sometimes, you wonder - life seems too busy and sometimes tiring as the kids need you all the time. They are so dependent on you for small things. But you get scared thinking of the time when they no longer will be. Would you feel unwanted then? May be there will be other ways in which you'll have to care for them, but this dependence on you will definitely change.
Today Chunchu cried when she thought I won't come home till evening, but what will happen when she wouldn't care anymore if I was there at home or not? When long hours with books/phone/Internet will keep her too busy to worry about the time I will be back home...or when the kids will not need me to feed them, narrate a story to them, sing a lullaby to them...how I will miss this time!
Sometimes, when I have lots to do, and Chunchu and Shiku are simultaneously asking for my attention, these thoughts help me keep trying to maintain a balance...between their instant 'spur-of-the-moment' wishes and my 'can-be-postponed' needs.
This thought keeps coming to my mind every now and then...wish God gave me super powers so that I could be at two places at one time, or I would not need to rest/sleep..ohh I wish!

My Little Chefs and Doctors

Yes, there are two little chefs and two little doctors at my home. They keep changing their profession every hour and I am the guinea pig almost all the time. And do I love it? Well, of course! Who won't be overwhelmed with emotions when your kids are playing doctor-doctor, and treat you for anything from pain to surgery? Yes, Chunchu and Shiku are busy doing what almost all of us did when we were kids. They are role-playing their prospective professions.
When they are doctors, they diagnose a disease by first asking very professionally, "So, Manisha, what seems to be the problem with you?" Sometimes, Chunchu would say "mom" and then corrects herself, explaining to me that since she is a doctor and I am her patient, I cannot be her mom anymore :-) Then, the bro-sis duo divides the duties of checking my stats and giving me an injection to sleep! They sometimes they  clean and dress an old wound, asking me all the while how I got hurt. It's so much fun seeing them copy the doctors we have visited in the past.
When they are chef, they take order first and then give suggestions to what I might like to eat and drink. One of them, then, goes on to prepare dessert, while the other cooks vegetable and chapatis. All this while, they keep asking if I would like to add pepper or spices to my food; how sweet should the dessert be; if I want a coffee or tea along with it, etc.
Well, whatever they decide to be when they grow up, I wish they are as diligent as they are while playing their parts.
Another thing requires a mention in this post. Yesterday, both of them became 'mommy' by dressing up in a saree (draped using dupatta), though I rarely wear one. But they looked damn cute, walking and talking like a grown up lady :-) Of course, I kept telling Shiku he cannot be a mom in real life!

Getting Drenched in Rain!

Rain is always refreshing; what is more uplifting is getting drenched in rain, and if you can do it with your daughter by your side, nothing can beat it!
Chunchu was a little hesitant, so I jumped in. As soon as she saw me getting wet happily, she ran to me and started to dance, run around and simply have fun while the raindrops fell on us. Before this, it wasn't a good day; too many doubts creeping into my mind. But after, I feel awesome and so refreshed. Chunchu and I played like kids, and I can say I haven't had so much fun in a while now.
We tried to entice Shiku into the madness with us, but he had just woken up from his afternoon nap, so wasn't in a mood. He tried to hide himself in my arms, as I encouraged him to enjoy the downpour. But then, he refused. That didn't stop Chunchu from continuing her fun for another 20 min.
The most amazing thing is - as Chunchu hugged me after we were inside the house again and I was feeling grateful to her bringing out the child in me, she thanked me for being a good mom. Actually, she looked around and saw I was the only mom who was out there with her child, doing the crazy thing of being one herself, so she felt it was something unusual and she ought to thank me. Well, I said to her, "I am a good mom, 'cause you are such a good daughter."
On that note, I've to get back to her. She is back to her small every day demands :-)

Things I Love...

 It is a long list, but from the every day small things, here are some that I love the most:

• I love it when Chunchu smiles at me, even in her sleep.
• I love it when Shiku wants a bite from my plate, even though he just had his meal.
• I love it when Chunchu comes up, hugs me and says, "mom, plz hug me. I love you."
• I love it when Shiku fights to sit in my lap, if Chunchu got there first.
• I love it when Chunchu copies me and repeats the same words with same expressions, while playing the mother to her dolls.
• I love it when Shiku imitates her, and falls short 'cause all his words begin with only vowels (he can say the consonants, but doesn't).
• I love it when Chunchu suddenly tells me, "Mom you are so good".
• I love it when Shiku demands me to appreciate him if I praise Chunchu.
• I love it how they fight to get my attention, all the time (makes me feel soooo loved).
• I love it how they cuddle each-other and stand for each-other when they expect a punishment for doing some mischief.
• I love it how they are always fighting with each-other all the time, yet they are more than ready to fight with everything that hurt the other (meaning walls, floor, doors etc).

Basically, I love everything about them and their being in my life. Looking back, I wonder how incomplete I was till they arrived.

Murder for Honor?

I was surprised, rather shocked how the newspaper now-a-days carries at least one piece of an 'honor killing' every single day! It is even a shame to call this heinous act of crime as 'honor' killing. I am sure there is no honor behind these, but just ego. Ego of those who think their children betrayed them, ego of those who have no way better to prove themselves useful to the society! For me, it is unfathomable how anyone can kill their own flesh and blood!
Since the time one becomes a parent, all he or she thinks about is how to protect their kids, how to give them everything they want, how to just be there for them. And the only worry that a parent has is 'God forbid, if something happens to my child'. How can such a parent even think of harming that very child, for whatever reasons? There is nothing in this world, no amount of sacrifice you might have done for your kids, no amount of hurt they have caused you, that justifies this act. And to top it all, such people claim to be doing good to the society!!! I simply don't get it at all.
You know what would be actually good for the society? That everyone married as per their own wishes, and many people married in different castes and religions. That would make our country truly secular and safe. The children born of these marriages would be raised as just Indians, not a Hindu, Muslim or Sikh, or a Jat, Punjabi or whatever. They would be more tolerant towards the others' beliefs. That would make a tolerant society...may be even a loving nation, without any communal differences, and riots.
May we Indians get this sooner than later and for once, start thinking beyond caste, creed and religion to stand as one nation.

30!

As a kid, you always wait for the milestones in your life. Like, you know, sweet sixteen, adulthood, the twenties etc. As you get older, it's just another year added to your life span. Birthdays kind of lose their charm. Yes, but they nevertheless happen. So I turned 30. Hmmm...feel old by Indian standards, but still feel as if I just started living! The day was not at all exciting, yet there were surprises. Three surprise calls, from the friends of all important phases - a school friend, a college friend and an Infy friend called unexpectedly to give their wishes, and encouragement too :-)
The greatest part though was cutting the cake, because the kids were so excited with mom's big day that they ate all the icing off the cake even before formally cutting it :-P And, the happiness they felt in doing so made me 10 years younger. The visit to the temple and gurudwara after several years made the day complete. (There was a time when I used to visit these holy places everyday!)
You know, I have traditionally done what one is expected to do in India by the time they hit 30s. I got a decent education, good work experience with known companies, got married, had kids. So, it's time to do the unconventional now! Write a book, adventure sports, learn musical instruments or professional dancing...stuff that make up the dreams! Perhaps I started dreaming late; or rather started taking my dreams seriously quite late, yet it's better late than never. And that means I have less time to realize them and hence am in kind of rush to make it all happen...phew.
Staying at home gives one a chance to think a lot, and I was anyway a brooder, so got me deep into the process. That made me realize a few things. Our growing up conditions our minds in such a way that we cannot never be really happy without feeling guilty. I guess the happiness is elusive here. It's not like that everyone cannot be happy together. If everyone started with themselves, then eventually it will spread. Of course, some people just can't take this. Like the so called saviors of morality in our society. That's for some other serious post. This one ends on the note - wishing myself a year and a lifetime of happiness, health and prosperity. And as a friend said - a wonderful career, strong and healthy kids, a lifetime of happiness!
Another wonderful wish by my little sis - may the coming years bring so much happiness, peace and success that all the hardships of last few years are wiped off.

Chunchu's first Henna

Whenever I go to the market for any purpose, Chunchu always accompanies me. Yesterday, I had to shop for her only; so she had to go for sure. My cousin wanted to apply henna to her palms and she went with us. Of course, Chunchu had to follow suit. To be frank, I really love to indulge my daughter in such girly things. So even she hadn't asked for it, I would have :-)
So Chunchu got her palms decorated with a beautiful henna design, and we took a rickshaw back home, me holding her hands all the way so that the henna is not spoilt! Well, as I said before, indulgence of this kind makes me swell with happiness and I do not take it casually.
Back home, she showed the design to everyone and of course, everyone said she looked pretty. But then, she washed the henna off pretty soon as she wanted to try her new dress. I tried to coax her into letting it be for another hour, but can you really tell kids what to do, if there is a brand new dress waiting to be tried? So she did what she wanted to, and I thought 'there goes the chance of getting a good color'. The indulgent mother in me wanted everything to be perfect. After all, it was Chunchu's first henna!
But just before I went to sleep last night, I looked at her decorated palms, having the perfect brown color of henna, and I kissed them. The small hands looked so pretty that I kept studying the pattern for a couple of minutes.I reminisced about my childhood days when we used to wait for 'karwa chauth' or 'teej' when we could get a chance to apply henna to our palms. Of course, the professional henna artists were not so common those days, so we kind of adjusted with the designs applied by mom, or one of us girls. My sister was the most preferred artist, as she had the natural talent. I, on the other hand, am not even able to hold the henna cone properly!
Though it might seem to be a small thing to an outsider, we mothers have this habit of dwelling over and rejoicing in the 'firsts' of our children ( I guess it is more often with daughters, simply because they have more occasions of this kind). So the need to record my daughter's first stint with the henna.

So little time...

And so much to do! I love being busy and I enjoy being occupied with a lot of things as that gives me an opportunity to test and enhance my limits. These days are the same - job hunting, writing stories and a book too. Of course, the kids are a full-time job, so the days are really busy :-) Sometimes I really wish I were a superwoman who had no need for sleep so that I could use those 7 hours for working towards my dreams. A far-fetched thought, yet maybe...:-)

For the first time in my life, I am really confident about being able to realize my dreams. Before this, there was always something that was more important, or someone who mattered more than what I truly desired to do, or someone/something that created obstacles in my path whenever I tried to venture onto the path towards success.

The wonderful thing is once you start doing what you love to do, you have all the time and energy to give sufficient importance to people as well as other tasks. It is simple and yet amazing how you can give more love when you are content from inside. We have all always known this fact yet we keep ignoring it and hence, suffer. So why not try loving yourself and pampering yourself before you set out to do this for others?

I must have read and remembered many quotes over the years, yet there are some which manifest their true meaning only when the situation is right. Recently, I read something that said it is best to start from zero and that is when you achieve the most. Well, I am already seeing the benefits though there are no end-results yet; but there certainly are achievements.

How many of us can actually ask oneself a question "Am I happy?" and answer in the affirmative almost all the time? Well, that's the ultimate goal!

Sometimes, my mind too plays games with me and tells me - why the hell are you not stressed? Your life is not exactly rosy and satisfactory? I reply back - well, at least I have the means to make it exactly as I wish!

To life, I say - 'I am ready, let's play! Give me a chance to make what I wanted to, give me a chance to make the best of you! Let me surrender and emerge a winner; let me give and achieve; let me be happy and spread joy! On my death bed, let me look you into the eye and say - yes, I lived you to the fullest and I am ready to depart from this world!'

Points to Remember

There are a few things which I want to write down, that came up while having a chat with a very good friend. Here they are:

1. Knowing is just not enough. You have to implement what you know. True! I might be an Einstein in my thoughts, but what do I get out of it until I get to actually try what I know?
2. Take responsibility and make a choice. If you hold yourself, and only yourself responsible for whatever happened to you, whatever you did wrong or right, whatever turned out to be good or bad, it is easier to redefine your reality. The next step is to make a choice. Choose to love, choose to live, choose to be successful, and choose to live your dreams. It's your life after all.
3. Watch what you tell yourself. After all, our mind is just like a computer. You will get from it what you feed into it. Sometimes, we might be feeding contradictory things to our conscious and subconscious minds. It is not enough to say positive things to yourself until you truly believe in them. But then, when you keep saying and thinking positive, it will became a habit and will get embedded into your subconscious mind too.
4. When you are aware of your emotions, and can separate yourself from your feelings, it is easier to handle them. Well, I have known this for a long time, yet I am still learning...am going to be there soon.
5. When you set personal goals, time them. It's weird how we do everything else with a time limit in mind, like getting up and going to work, project work in office, meeting someone, going to a party etc. Yet when it comes to self improvement, all we say is I will achieve such and such goal but it might be a slow process. Why does it have to be slow? Why can't we bring a sense of urgency in this as well, as we do for other mundane things in life. Well, even I did not think of many things that way...it's time to time the actions :-)
6. You are not what others expect you to be. You are what you truly wish to be and you have every right to be your best. There is one thing I have observed in life. Most of the people resist change, because of fear. We are scared to get into the unknown. But then, that's where you find the treasure!
7. If you are not satisfied with the way things are, it is always not a good option to change the situation. Sometimes, just changing yourself could be a better option and if you still want to change the situation, go ahead and do it. For instance, being unhappy in a job or relationship, you might want to change the job or give the relationship a break. But then, if the issue lies within you, the situation will not improve. First look into yourself, and then make a choice. It's back to choices again :-)
8. Delayed gratification is OK when it's for some higher goal. But rest of the time, enjoy life to the fullest each moment... you never know when it will end, without a notice!
9. If you plan, plan grand. If you wish, wish grander. If you desire and fantasize, let there be no bounds. After all, you are entitled to get the best out of life.
10. If you face an issue, take it as a challenge. Don't get into 'blame game' but into the solution-oriented mode. It's the easier and less stressful way.

Domestic Violence & Women

There is so much said about the position, rights and safety of women in our society. Yet, there seems to be ever going incidences of violence against women at their own homes. Or may be, such kind of incidences are coming to light more often than they used to in earlier days. Perhaps, then, women used to take it for granted that they would NOT be treated nicely once they left their parents' home. What I do not understand is why we have been putting up with this nonsensical behavior towards us and still do? Why do we not have the courage to say goodbye when we become a victim to domestic violence the first time? Of course, there are reasons and justifications, and someone will say every one's situation is different. But in my opinion, all said and done, we women are weak to stand up for ourselves. All through our lives, we stand up for others - parents, husband, in-laws, kids. But when it comes to fighting for our own rights, we lose courage and confidence.

The first thought that comes to a woman's mind after her husband/in-laws hit her is - may be it was MY fault; may be they were too angry; may be this is just a one-off incidence...and so begins the perfect plan of laying down and taking it. This results in severe consequences - increase in frequency and intensity of 'abuse'; plus, effect on our self-esteem. Every now and then, there is a suicide or murder, resulting from abusive behavior, about which we read in the newspaper, discuss for few days and forget.

There is one woman who, after her son hit his wife, commented "Who takes beating laying low these days. Today's women are too modern." When I heard this, I wanted to slap this woman hard across her face and let her take the beating for everyone else, as she was so keen on justifying the violence! Women like her take various roles in our society - the meddlesome, dominating mother-in-law, the greedy or sleazy sister-in-law, the blood-sucking boss etc. and then, they start the crusade of torturing other women by manipulating circumstances and men whom they can influence. Yes, more than men, women are responsible for being treated the way they are in our society. And this is going to continue until women decide to stop it altogether. We have to take strong steps towards those who harass us in any manner, even if it means taking the wrath of the so-called conservationists in the society.

And mind you, harassment is not only physical, it is mental too. In fact, the latter is more dangerous than the former. First, it is not very obvious to the onlookers and second, we manage to convince ourselves (or may be the person insulting us does) that probably we are over reacting to some jokes, we can't take criticism etc. But then, think about it. If your husband constantly tells you that you are no good for anything, you don't know how to cook, how to clean etc etc; if your mother-in-law always makes a point of criticising you in front of a number of guests; your brother-in-law is always on the lookout for some extra 'favor', isn't that harassment as well? And to top it all, these 'jokes' always manage to make you and your family seem like shit. Then, I think, it is high time you paid attention to your own feelings rather than listening and blindly believing to the crap that you are too sensitive or you don't have a sense of humor!

In the end, it is I who is responsible for the life I create for myself, it is I who has to fight against wrong being done to me and it is I who is to be blamed if I lose courage in the moment of decision.

To all women out there who are suffering in silence, I beseech you to end this violence and save yourself from the suffering. Stand up for yourself and make a good life for you and your loved ones - kids and parents! For, if a mother or a daughter suffers, it not only spoils her life, but also that of those who genuinely care for her and those who look upon her to provide them with a meaning to their lives. Think about it.

How I became a Writer

I was always creative, even as a child. At the age of ten, I wrote a few short stories. But I was too shy to show it to my parents or teachers. All I did was narrate them to my sis and cousins; and since they were all younger to me, I did not get much input from them. So, in absence of any motivation to continue writing, I quit after a few attempts. Though whenever there was a contest at school, I tried my hand at writing; but I never took it too seriously.

In my teenage years, there was a poetry writing competition held at my school. I got some ‘consolation prize’ and my poetry was much appreciated by my teacher of English. She went to the extent of calling me a ‘born poetess’ and was I flattered! Needless to say, this admiration inspired me to compose more poems and I became a poetess. In the beginning, I started off with simple and superficial poems. Later, my poetry became complex and deep. I wrote on life, inspiration, nature, emotions and patriotism. I also composed some romantic poems but did not show them to anyone, for the fear that they might wrongly assume me being in the influence of love (being from a traditional family, I was not allowed to fall in love before marriage). So whatever romantic poems I wrote, I hid them. Sometimes, I even used to tear them off and throw them away. I now wish I had a computer at that time so that I could have preserved my work. Though I did compose quite a few poems and still have them with me, there are a number I have lost. After I got married, there was no restriction to compose love poems, so I composed a number of such poems and used to give them to husband to read. Many a times, he appreciated and I composed more. But after some time, my interest in poetry faded away, and I stopped writing about a couple of years ago. Perhaps, something to do with my state of mind, or may be I simply lost the creativity to express myself in prose. Also, if you feel like writing poetry, you HAVE to write whenever it comes to your mind, otherwise words are lost. And this kind of urgency is sometimes not possible with young kids. So that was the end of the poetess in me. Since then, all poetry I have composed is a few lullabies and may be one or two poems for my kids.

Meanwhile, after the birth of my daughter, I started keeping a diary for her. I wanted to keep a year book, but the writer in me wanted to experiment with words, not pictures. So, I started writing to my daughter. It was not a typical diary, but more like personal letters addressed to her telling her about what was going on with her and me, and how she was growing. I continued this for about 2.5 years and had planned to do something similar for my son, who was six months then. But then I realized, if I wrote two such diaries, it would be just repetition (and double the work, for which, unfortunately, I could not find time) and if I wrote only one, I would be unfair to my son. So I decided to stop it altogether!

Then, through a friend I got introduced to blogging. I read many people’s blogs and noticed they wrote about anything and everything. There was no restriction on the writing style, topics, content etc. It was just like an online diary, or even a scrapbook of your thoughts. Since the writer in me was getting itchy again, I started blogging. In the beginning, I was apprehensive about opening myself up on an online forum where the information would be visible to anyone who wished to have it; but then, these doubts melted away. And as I wrote more, I realized how easy it was to express myself through writing.

When I quit my job to move to Qatar and started staying at home full time, the blogs became more frequent as it was my respite from the routine household chores. The day I got my first follower, I was very happy…someone was interested in reading what I wrote! Since then, I have sent the link to my blog to many people and they come back to read it, which means progress, however small. Alongside blogging, I am trying to write a novel. I mention trying as it is coming out slow and I keep changing certain details. Perhaps, this form of writing will help me improve my skills.
My daughter has now started demanding to listen to new stories every night before going to sleep, and I do not narrate to her the traditional ones as I want to eliminate any details which she is too small to understand. So, I have started composing short stories now…talk about coming a full circle in life!

My first work got published in the magazine ‘The Woman’ just a couple of months back. And now, I am officially a writer. Do you know how it feels when you dream, lose it on the way and then find it back again; and if the dream has now become a reality? It feels awesome! Many people who have made me realize my dream are not even here to share my joy. Yet, I feel grateful to them and wish I could tell them I do.

Everyday Heroes

“A good teacher is like a candle - it consumes itself to light the way for others”. How often have we heard this saying; and how often have we stopped and thought about it? It is a teacher who first introduces us to ourselves. We start learning what we are and what we like because of our teachers. We start asking questions because they encourage us to; we start observing our surroundings more closely because they make it more interesting.
My dad used to narrate a story of one of his teacher who was an example of the true self-sacrificing image of a guru. The board examinations in India fall in the month of March when it used to be pretty chilly in the villages in the morning. This teacher used to wake up early in the morning on each examination day and prepare tea for all his students living in the village. Then he used to walk several kilometers from his own house to the students’ dwellings to wake each student up and deliver tea to him, so that they had ample time to revise their syllabus. How many people have that much of dedication towards their work! Though this teacher is no more now, yet all his students remember him with immense respect and fondness. When he died, there were queues of cars from his house to the outside of the village, which was about 10 km away. This shows how much he had meant to his pupils!
I am reminded of my professor in English in college. He was the ultimate gentleman and the perfect teacher. As soon as he entered a classroom full of students, he could tell the exact number of pupils present. So strong was his observation! When he was in interrupted in the middle of a sentence by a student, after answering the student’s question, he could pick up the sentence exactly from where he left it. This is something that awed me and I inculcated this habit into myself.
When the examinations results were announced, he was shocked to see that almost everyone in the class got same marks, and even his favorite student, I, scored as others. All of us were also astonished, as this meant that there had been no proper checking of our answer sheets. But unlike other teachers, who used to say that they cannot interfere with the university’s processes, professor did not accept things like this. He immediately called the university and reprimanded the concerned people. He told them if they did not know how to differentiate between a student with good language skills and that with average skills, they should not be holding such important offices. They had no right to toy with the students’ futures. This might have been a first in our university; and people paid attention. Next time examination results saw clear distinction between students’ marks in English paper.
I learnt later that once some thieves had entered in his house and pointed a gun at him. And our professor did not get scared even for a moment (most people especially at his age would). Rather, he challenged the thief and said to him, “If you had guts to shoot, you would not be pointing this gun at an old man. I dare you, you can’t shoot at me. So just get out my house.” And the thieves really left his house and him alone! When I got to know of this, I thought what if the robber had shot him. But then, I imagined him standing there; staring at the already scared burglar, and talking in his imposing voice, I had little doubt what choice anyone would have. I always respected him for being a wonderful teacher, after that I started appreciating him as a courageous person. When I fear something, I think about this incidence and get strength to face it.
There were other teachers who come to my mind when I reminisce about my school days. There was my English subject teacher in high school, who used to find time to go through my poetry and edit it. She always had encouraging words for me. It was because of her that I continued composing poetry for a long time. Then, there was our Biology teacher. It is because of him I started loving the subject. My Physics teacher in class 7; my Hindi and History teachers in class 10 have a special place in my heart.
It is not Teacher’s Day today, but do we really need a specific day to thank the people, who, along with our parents, have a big hand in shaping our characters and future. I thank all my teachers who made a difference.

Stop yelling at the Kids

Almost all parents will agree with me when I say that there are times when you simply cannot fight the urge to raise your voice at the kids, particularly young kids. I myself have struggled with anger when dealing with my 1 and 3 year olds. I was forced to take action to deal with it when my husband pointed out to me that my daughter has started yelling a lot as she was imitating me at the unconscious level. Here are the few important tips all parents can find helpful.

Take care of yourself
Let’s face it. We are cranky on some days as soon as we get up in the morning. My observation about myself and of other mothers brought out this to light. We are more irritable towards small things that kids do when we haven’t had a good night’s sleep or a healthy and filling breakfast. Skipping sleep and meal should never be an option for anyone, especially for mothers. We derive all the energy to go through the day from a good rest and a good meal. So sleep sound and eat well.
Sometimes, when you are feeling down for no reason, you can pep yourself up just by dressing stylishly and even putting on some nice hairdo. When you know you are looking good, you feel good and hence are less irritable.

Walk it Up
No, I am not talking about doing exercise. That is good in any circumstance; but what I am telling you is really important when dealing with your kids. When they are not in your sight, just move a bit and get to the place they are in. If you want to give some instruction to them, do it face-to-face rather than shouting from the kitchen, or some other room. This ensures that the kids are receptive to you and you yourself are speaking in a calm tone which in turn will make sure that you don’t lose it at the slightest hint.
It is irritating when you enter into the scene where the kids are already fighting and yelling and crying. But your shouting would really not help the situation; rather it would increase the general mood to petulant. So, just walk up to where you are standing facing them, and they will pay attention. It works most of the times with me. Try it and it might work for you too.

Be Aware of Emotions
When you are always aware of your emotions and feelings, you tend to be more in control of yourself. Awareness means defining to your mind what emotion you are feeling at the moment. There is no need to analyze and judge. When you start looking at your emotions as a third person, the intensity of the emotion fades away. Like, when I start sensing anger in myself, I observe it and tell myself I am feeling angry. Suddenly, I am not so angry and I can willingly change the emotion. The next thing I tell myself is that I am also feeling good about this awareness. That’s it. There goes the anger out of the window.
But you have to be careful with this in the sense that you should not repeat a negative emotion, like you should not keep telling yourself “I am angry. I am angry.” That will strengthen the anger. Just tell yourself once and then tell something else. This is the key.

The ‘3C’ Tactic
This is something I worked out myself. When I feel I am getting angry, I start reminding myself of the 3 Cs – calm, control and care. I tell myself I am calm and in control of my emotions and I care for the kids. This works like a magic. Sometimes, I just repeat it throughout the day, and it has got built into my subconscious mind. Now, as soon as anger surfaces, the ‘3C’ tactic triggers automatically.

Set Goals
When I started working at controlling the yelling, I failed miserably within the first 3 days. Then, on the 3rd day when I had yelled once, I told myself sternly that I was done for the day and whatever happens, there would be no more shouting for that day. And this I did for next 3 days. On the 4th subsequent day, I did not have the need to yell even once to tell myself that I was done for the day. So, if you cannot stop the yelling in one go, try limiting it. And slowly, when you see that the kids become more receptive when you are calm and other good effects, you will stop the screaming eventually.

Stop being the Perfectionist
When I did an introspection of myself, I realized most of my frustration came from within me and from the fact that I want everything to be perfect – perfectly clean house, impeccable dresses of kids, everything in its right place, no untidiness and no messing around. But it doesn’t work that way with small children. They will mess up things, they will spill food and beverages, and they will throw around their toys and clothes. So what? They are kids! Yes, that’s exactly what I told myself and since that day, these things started mattering less and less. The house can be cleaned later, things can be arranged afterwards, but once the kids grow up, they will never be kids again. As soon as you realize this, you will not feel angry at them for just being kids.

Do not Plan
Contrary to what some people might tell you, it is better not to plan ahead when you have young kids in the house. Almost always, your plans do not work out, leaving you feeling frustrated and the urge to yell when things don’t get done as you had wanted them to. This does not mean you cannot have a to-do list. You should but do not keep it time bound. And keep ticking off the items as and when you find time for them. When I do not plan exactly every hour of the day, I am more relaxed as there is no pressure to finish certain tasks at certain time and yet I find time to do everything that needs to be done. And I am always relaxed.

Do not Impose
One more thing that I realized as a result of analysis of my own self was that since I am very critical about myself and have expectations from myself, I tend to behave the same way with others, even the kids. I burdened them with my expectations and pushed them to behave like grown-ups for no reasons. Of course, they could not fulfill these responsibilities. And that made me furious. For example, I told them to keep their toys back before they went to sleep and I tried to make it a rule. Do kids ever follow rules? Well, so mine didn’t and that triggered yelling. So I stopped myself and changed my manner. I still ask them to keep their toys back, and either I or my husband helps them in that. Also, if they say an outright ‘no’ I just tell them that I will do it for them this time and next time, they should do it themselves because it’s a good thing to take care of their own things. They invariably start helping me instantly. So sometimes, it’s just the way you present it to the kids.

Keep it Brief and Clear
Kids do not understand complex sentences. If you want them to pay attention, just make it simple and brief, instead of rambling on about good manners, right and wrong etc. We might not realize this but all of us tend to ramble on and on when we are upset. The kids just shut you out at such a time. So tell them clearly and in short what you want them to do. Also, if you use lots of requesting words like please, could you etc., the kids appreciate the fact that you want their help and they rush to help you.

Get a Hobby
Find some time, even if it is only 10 minutes, during the day to do something that you really enjoy. It might be reading, writing, music, dance, bird-watching, anything in the world. Just do what you love for a few moments during the day and you will feel refreshed and relaxed. This will help you stay calm for the rest of the day. Remember, when you indulge yourself, you boost your sense of well-being and that helps control anger.

Acknowledge you are Humane
And finally, just know you are humane and hence, tend to slip sometimes. Once in a while, if you lose it, just let it be, and do not spend lots of time on worrying about it. The best thing to do in such a situation is to just walk up to the kids and confess that you were upset and you lost it; and you are extremely sorry for that. If you hug them and kiss them after a screaming session, they might just remember the latter. Just because they are kids, they will always forgive you and may be when they grow up, they will remember this and learn from you.
 

Children's Park

When you want to see many happy and content faces at a time, pay a visit to the children's park. It is a wonderful place to observe people, even adults, in a relaxed mode. You won't find any kid crying or any adult stressed at such a place; except of course that kid who is being ushered back home against his/her will. Then, you might see a full-blown tantrum or a really loud and piercing cry. Well, I and my husband are at the receiving end of the latter on a number of occasions. Our daughter simply NEVER wants to leave the swings! She might be tired; her eyes might be sleepy; or rest of us might be exhausted. But I haven't heard her say that she is done playing on swings and she wants to go home. Anyway, apart from those 5 very difficult minutes, she is also among the excited and content lot.
Unlike India, Qatar has a variety of playground equipments - swings, slides, climbers, see-saw etc. in almost all parks, even in the Zoo. It is a really good thing because otherwise, there are not many places where young kids can enjoy themselves to such an extent. Another good thing about these 'play areas' is that the ground is covered with sand and the area is properly sheltered, so that you don't have to worry much about the kids getting hurt if they fall or their getting exposed to sun. But of course, then there is the other worry - kids playing with this sand, rather than on the swings. Playing with sand is a favorite activity of most kids, especially the ones who cannot independently enjoy the other swings. Like my son...he spends 90% of his time at the play area with the sand.
I have visited a number of parks in Qatar and none of them have the identical set of playground equipment. Each play area in this country can boast of at least one unique kind, though it might just be a variation of another one somewhere else.
Yet, not surprisingly, the most sought after ones are the conventional swings and slides. You will find children of all ages swarming around these and patiently (sometimes, impatiently) waiting for their turn. But sometimes, this trend changes. Once in a while, one lonely kid might wander to a see-saw or a climber, which is unoccupied and stands lonely waiting for the kids to turn its way. This kid might be followed by a couple more because they found the queue at a swing too long. Suddenly, the other kids would notice a few kids gathering around something. So everyone starts moving in that direction to find out what interested the other kids. And hence, some lonely see-saw or a climber has its 15 minutes of fame. I say 15 minutes, as that is the longest kids can stay away from a conventional swing or slide.
While you are at it, you might also like to observe how, in a similar manner, some particular toy or a candy becomes the popular item of the day. The small shop selling this specific flavor of the day, try as hard as they might, but they cannot setup or even predict the trend of popularity of one toy or candy. One kid showing off something to another because of latter's success in getting hold of the former's favorite swing; or a parent's bribe to a wailing kid to soothe him/her; or just the fact that many kids simultaneously took a liking to that specific item, can be a trigger for establishing the trend. But as in the case of swings, this category also has all time favorites - the conventional huge pink cotton candy and balloons!
There are so many other things that you can notice in a children's park. Some of them are repetitive like kids speaking different languages understanding each-other perfectly well; parents and kids enjoying the swings alike; kids stepping off a swing to give another kid a chance; parents striking off conversations with total strangers because their kids like the same climber/slide, and finding some common ground later; people like me sitting there and observing others etc. Other events might not be so common. Like, the other day some child's ball got stuck on the top of the roof-like cover of that playground, and number of people trying various tactics to bring it down. Then, there was this one time when I saw one child bullying another, and before I could intervene, many kids came to the rescue of the victim. Another time, my daughter was having difficulty climbing one of the slides, and another slightly elder girl lend her a helping hand. Yesterday, my daughter learnt her lesson of smiling at the other kids when they approach her, and she was feeling so glad that she kind of stuck a friendship with this particular girl who smiled at her.
There are many other facets of human emotions that you get to see at a children's park and you would be amazed to see how all the kids of a specific age behave in a similar manner, irrespective of huge diversity in their culture, mother tongue or fatherland. How wonderful it is to see these kids smiling at each-other cordially, following queues without anyone telling them to, sharing their joys, just being themselves!
A children's park is a wonderful place to go to when you want to leave your worries behind and you feel refreshed by the beautiful sight they provide you with.

Fog in Qatar

Yes, it is a foggy day in Qatar, not such a common thing in this part of the world. And, it is amazing...I love looking out of the glass doors of my dining area, where I am sitting, sipping coffee and having breakfast. A wave of nostalgia engulfs me as I am reminded of all the beautiful winter seasons back home.
It is such a unique experience, driving your two-wheeler through fog so thick you can hardly see 50 metres ahead. In college, December & January were months of semester exams. All the two-wheeler drivers would be dressed in layers of clothes, jackets, scarves, gloves etc., driving a few km to the college, envying all the car owners they saw on the way. And, as soon as we all reached college, we would rush to the classrooms, rubbing our numb-with-cold hands vigorously, and still it would take a few minutes after holding the pen that we could actually write. A shiver runs through me while I think of those days.
Studying for exams was also pretty much fun. There used to be two options, depending on the weather. If it was sunny, we would sit outside, keep shifting our chairs towards sun as the day progressed, and reluctantly go inside the house around 4 pm. Sunny days were fun during holidays. We 3 siblings, cousins, mom, aunts would all sit in the veranda, sipping tea/coffee, eating peanuts and other savories of winter season (rewri, gajjak etc.) and either just chatting away or playing board games/cards. Oh, it was simply awesome! Well coming to the second option of studying - we would sit under layers of quilts on the bed or couch, reading our course books. The preparation would begin while we sat upright, would progress with us lying comfortably on the warm bed, and finally falling asleep in the middle of the toughest chapter of the subject! Sometimes, mom used to come and wake us, other times, a nightmare about the actual exam day would do the trick. And, the studies would be resumed with fervor. Mom and dad used to keep warning us that we'll hurt our eyes and back studying like this, but who wanted to actually use the cold study table?
In school, the winter vacations would be spent playing games on streets or nearby parks, whichever had the prospect of more playmates and sun.
As I write all this, I am struck with a thought. How many times do we actually reminisce of the big events in life? Not much. However, surely, most of us reminisce a lot about such small & seemingly insignificant moments of life. It is these small joys that actually make our life.
Today, when I look out of these glass doors in Doha, I feel lucky to have spent such fine moments of childhood & youth in Faridabad,among loved ones - my brother, sister, mom, dad, cousins, uncles & aunts. I want to take a stroll on the street where I used to play as a child; go and sit on my favorite bench of the classrooms I studied in; visit that park again and pluck the juicy fruits growing on a small tree at the corner of the park; I wanna grow up again to take in the beauty of the moments I might have missed the first time.
I thank God for a foggy day in Qatar!

Living in Moments

Sometimes, life gives you so much in a moment which brings warmth to your heart and a smile on your face to last for the entire day, may be days. And when you do start being grateful for such moments, they become a more common happening in your life. I have been observing this for a few days now, with myself. Here are some of the moments I am thankful to God for:
* All of us are in the car - me & hubby in the front seats, arguing about something. The kids are sitting at the back, chatting away in their own language (they understand each other so well, despite the fact that younger one hasn't started speaking!). Suddenly, everybody becomes quiet. I look back to check on the kids and what I see simply makes me go wow! My daughter is holding her little brother in her lap, constantly kissing him and baby-talking to him; while he just smiles away, glowing as he is being pampered by the big sis.
* I am very ill, feeling giddy and it seems like I am going to faint. My daughter asks me what's wrong and I tell her that I am going to faint. She holds my hand, walks me slowly to the bed and asks me to lie down. Then, she kisses me on my forehead and tells me that I will be alright. Would you believe that she is just 3 years old and she knows how to comfort an adult!
* The same day, when it is shower time for the kids, I am still too weak to give them a bath. I ask my daugther if she can bathe herself, while I will be there just sitting beside the bath tub to keep a watch. She says she will and insists on bathing her brother too! I am amazed at her, when I see she bathes him so well, applying soap to his body and shampoo to his hair, then rubbing over his back...she does everything that I do and not like a kid, but like a grown up. Throughout, she keeps telling him that mom is not well, so he should not trouble mom.
* I am putting my son to sleep at around 1 in the night (he woke up in mid-sleep that night), and I am so tired and sleepy that I am not able to pat him constantly. After a while, he sits up, leans towards me & I close my eyes, so that he may also do the same. But what he does is start patting me on my cheeks slowly with his little hands. I can't help smiling at his gesture of putting me to sleep.
* The kids are not willing to sleep, so I tell them I am going out of the room and they should sleep by themselves. My daughter starts singing lullaby, and tries putting herself & her bro to sleep! All I am able to utter is 'how cute!'
* I tell many stories of my childhood to my daughter, and she loves listening to them. They involve my bro, sis, cousins, friends etc. Many a times, my angel just comes over to me and says she wants to hear a story where...and she narrates the incident to me. Then, she asks me to tell her about it. Again, I smile at her innocence, and feel glad at her memory and at the thought that she really cherishes those little things I tell her about my childhood.
* I don't know how much my little one understands these 'stories' but he always rushes to me when he just hears the word 'story' from his sis. It is wonderful to see him come running and sitting in my lap, listening to my narration and then going 'uh?' 'eh?' at every pause. They way he twitches his face with these words is a treat to watch!

I know most of the times the kids learn these gestures from me only, I comfort them when they are ill or hurt, I pat them to sleep, sing lullaby etc. But then, when they actually remember it so well and even apply the same on me, it really means a lot. Sometimes, in such moments, my eyes fill with tears. At one such time, my daughter asked me why I was crying, and I told her those were happy tears. I don't know whether she understood it fully or not, but I would love to hear these words coming out of her mouth :-)

There are several such moments I love to be a part of, and I always thank God right then and there, so that He knows I am craving for more.

An Inspiration

First of all, a very happy new year to all. May 2010 bring more happiness and peace to the world!
My wishes are coming a little late, since the kids and I were ill for last few days. With small children, it is almost a cycle of being well and being ill. Some days are pretty hard.
So I decided to write about someone who inspired me and will probably always do. I do not know him at a personal level, but whenever I am reminded of him, my head bows in respect. It was the year 2005, and I was in the hospital going through a miscarriage. I was totally shattered and feared that may be I would never be a mom etc. Any one who has lost a child would understand what I felt in those moments. But then, this doctor came to do an ultrasound. He told me and my friend, Reema, that he was deaf and he would converse with us by reading our lips. His voice was not easily comprehendable, but the fact that he was saying these words inspite of being deaf awed me. Then, he told us he a little about himself, his home country, his resolve to be a doctor etc. I never felt so small as I felt then. There was this man, obviously a winner despite the unfairness life had offered him. And there I was, crying over a lost child! He told me I would definitely conceive again, be a happy mom etc. The most surprising thing that happened that day was this. I said something to Reema while this doc was not even looking at me (he could not see how my lips moved), but he replied to me before Reema could say anything. Then, he saw the surprise on my face and said he had trained himself to multitask (looking at the monitor and lip reading) and also, he could recognize emotions on people's face. I was just speechless!
I have heard about miracles, people surviving disasters, people like Stephen Hawking. But that was the first time I actually met with someone like that. And it was amazing to see someone so strong willed.
I would be lying if I said that since then, I have not cried for small things in my life. I have, because I am not perfect in any way. But when the things are really tough, I do remember this doc and I tell myself - everything will fall into place if I have the courage to take that first step.
I am at a loss of words now as I was then. But I would keep posting inspiring moments in future posts.