Long Time...

Yep it's really been a long time since I wrote on my blog...well, since I wrote anything! For past few months, I have been out of touch with the writer in me...doesn't mean I haven't been thinking of writing, but just didn't! There are number of reasons, but then, why get into excuses?

So many things have happened in last few months...and I wonder how fast life can change! I have come face to face with situations that taught me new things about myself. I used to believe I was someone who wouldn't be able to forgive certain things that happened in past; yet I did. When the situation presented itself, I did not have any qualms in letting go - of the pain and hurt I have been keeping with me for so long. I realized I was ready to move on.
Recently I watched 'Oprah' and she was talking about forgiveness. I really liked her definition which said "Forgiveness is giving up the hope that past could have been any different"...what a wonderful way to say that the things that have already occured cannot be changed and instead of clinging to them, we should move on and try to make the best of what we have.

Well, all of us have known such insightful things for so long, yet we forget them when its time to practice. But sometimes, life teaches us lessons that cannot be forgotten, nor unlearnt. Sometimes, it is better to be a little flexible in your definitions of the things in life. For example, a couple in a romantic relationship might not be happy with each-other simply because their ways of expressing love might be different...if they could only see that loving someone in a different way than they expect does not mean loving them less, they would be happier.

I was talking to this friend the other day and he said that he has learnt so many things from me and I thought, "well, when am I gonna learn from myself" ;-) Yes, its easier to give advice than follow it. But sometimes, if we could just follow what our own mind told us...sometimes, we do but other times, we ignore it. And when we have ignored our subconscious mumber of times, for several years, it starts keeping mum. It is then that we have to seek answers outside of ourselves. So isn't it better to keep conversing with the subconscious so that it keeps guiding us?

Coming back to the things that my friend learned from me, it is two things that he specifically practised. First, a person should learn to be alone; one should not feel helpless or sad when there is no one to talk to; one should enjoy his/her own company. Being alone does not necessarily mean being lonely. If I enjoy being with myself, then I would never feel that I need someone else to discuss my problems with; I should be content with being my own best friend. And by God's grace, if you do have friends around you, then nothing better!
Second, a person should never feel fear and regrets. Fearing future and regretting past always results in spoiling the present. If you are confident that whatever you did was the best thing you could at that moment in the given situation, then you would also start having faith that whatever happens to you would be the best that could happen to you. Keeping the faith in yourself as well as in the Almighty is very important to lead a content life.

Well, I am a believer and I try to make things less painful and easier to bear. This is what I try to tell people when they ask for my advice. I have this immense faith in the principle of life that whatever you give to others, will eventually come back to you, sometimes manifolds! So isn't it better to give good? I am sure that most of us know this fact and usually pratice it in our good times. But when we are surrounded by darkness all around, it gets difficult to follow such principles. Understandable. But then, if you look around you, you'll see that there are people who think they could get away with whatever they do to others, and there is no one to keep a tab on their misdeeds. For some period of time, they do. Because the way nature or God works is this. He gives you chances upon chances to improve your life. If you keep taking them, you will end up happy; if you don't and repeat the same mistakes again and again, then no one can make things turn. So happens with people who are not good to others, who deliberately hurt others. God gives them opportunities to make amends, but if they do not make the best of it, then these people do get back what they gave in the first place. So, isn't it better to start with good so that whatever percent you get back, will be good?

There are so many such simple things in life that can make your life better; all you need to do is to start looking for answers within yourself; because in the end, you will find the answers inside you and the path that your subconscious paves for you, would be the best for you.

Love in Everyday Life

How many of us really feel the love every day? Not many. We get so involved with the trivial and mundane tasks that we forget to 'feel' the love that is around us. Having kids takes care of that part, especially when they are as expressive as mine are. Over the last few months, I have observed Chunchu coming up with beautiful expressions of her love for me, and she manages to overwhelm me every single time she does that.

Like one day, she said, "Mamma, mera mann karta hai main kabhi aapse door na jaun...main aapse fevicol se chipak jaun" (I never want to go away from you, I wish I could get stuck with you with fevicol) How did she come up with this statement, I don't understand. But the effect that it had on me was just splendid...I felt so grateful to her, and I was overwhelmed with emotions, all I could manage to say was that I would never go away from her. Of course, I walked around so proudly for a number of days following this incidence and narrated to everyone who was willing to listen!

I myself believe that if you feel anything good about someone, you should always express it, since you probably might never get a second chance and who knows, your few words of love might make a huge difference to someone. Hence, I always keep telling my kids that I love them and that I miss them when I am in office and that they are always on my mind. Perhaps, they have learned to express themselves like that.

Day before yesterday, we were watching 'Deep Impact'. There was this scene where a family is trying to get away to a high land to save themselves from the upcoming flood they know is going to kill them. There is a small child and a grown up daughter in the family. When the mother realizes that she won't be able to make it, she gives her baby to her daughter and asks her to go away with her boyfriend. Now, Chunchu asked me why did the mother give up her baby. I explained to her the situation that the mother was trying to save her child. Chunchu says, "Mamma, even if the child would die, at least she would die with her mom."
I explained again, "But baby, a mother should always try to save her child at any cost, and should think about her child's welfare even if that means she has to give up the child."
Chunchu then says something that will always be fresh in my mind. She said, "Mamma, I don't want to die, but if you know you are going to die, please do not give me away to anyone; let me die with you."
I tried to reason with her telling her that she should not think about such things and that I am not going to die, but she insisted I promise her that I would let her die with me. I was so touched by her feelings...after all, who gets to hear from someone an expression of the love that they are ready to shower upon you not only in life, but also in death? How many people know of someone in their lives who can really think of dying with them?  I do, now!

There have been several such moments when Chunchu has made me forget all that is painful in life, all that is ugly and all that is not what I would want it to be. She makes me feel grateful for the fact that I feel so loved as I have never felt before.

Shiku, on the other hand, is not so expressive with words, but as they say, actions speak louder than words. The little gestures that he shows every day like demanding to drink water from my bottle, demanding to get his teeth brushed and take a bath only from me on weekends, insisting I let him sit in my lap whenever he gets a chance, asking his sister to keep quiet when he is talking to me (he actually says, "Didi, chup ho jao!"). The small things that he does - the way he kisses me goodbye even in sleep, just at the prompt of "Shiku, bye-bye kissi", the way he proudly declares to be the best son in the world, the way he teases me for little things like my handbag...those endless expressions of his feelings for me make me swell with joy and pride!

While Chunchu keeps telling me how she thinks that I am the best mom in the world, Shiku keeps showing me that I am probably being a good mother (if not the best). But sometimes, Shiku behaves like a typical guy. Like, the other day, he said to Chunchu, "your mom is not good" and they actually had a fight about that! And when Chunchu told me about it I explained to her that since I am Shiku's mom also, he is implying that his mom is not good. As soon as Shiku heard that he said, "Mamma, you are good, I was just kidding, it wasn't for real." I couldn't help smiling :-) 

Rabindranath Tagore said - "Every child comes with the message that God is not yet discouraged of man." I think every child comes with the message that God still loves you, and since He cannot show it every day, He sends a child into your life to do that! 


Love you, Chunchu and Shiku!

Damsel in Distress

I felt exactly what a woman travelling alone, locked out of her car would feel...desperate, helpless, and even felt like kicking myself! Let me start from the beginning.

It began with the day-break of 29th June. It was one of those days when you just feel low, and you can't pin-point the reason behind the sadness. The whole day went by like that - feeling unhappy about something I couldn't figure out. When it was time to leave office, I somehow didn't feel like (perhaps sensed something was gonna happen). I said to a friend, "I don't feel like going home, but I don't feel like sitting here either. I am so restless.." But then, since there is no possibility of not coming back home, I decided to leave at the usual time - 5.

Since I was so preoccupied with being sad, I didn't realize that my car was not in its usual parking spot - the first one. So while I was backing it looking out of the rear mirror, I completely forgot the car that was parked beside mine, and I hit it! The first time I don't concentrate, I manage to hit some one's parked car, that too in office! That made me feel so guilty and I wanted to actually find out about the owner, apologize to him and pay him for damages. But the guard standing there advised me to leave, since probably he thought there would be a fight and some guy might exchange furious words with a woman on office premises, and he felt that better to avoid that situation altogether. May be, he was right, since people in this part of India are actually looking for a reason to fight and swear at each-other. But perhaps, I should have followed my first thought. Even if the guard was right, at least I wouldn't feel guilty for running away from my deed.

I did run away, but before I left, the security person actually said to me, "Ma'am, your car is more severely hit than his. His simply has a scratch but yours has pretty bad scratches." Now, not his mistake...how would he know those were old scratches, my little bro had given my car when he drove it for the first time.

Anyway, a seed of doubt was planted in my mind, and since I was already sad, I felt even more awful! Usually, if someone hits my car, I wait till I get to my destination to actually look at the damage caused, since I believe it is better not to look at it instantly as that would definitely cause a fight. Yet that day, I decided to 'have a look' on my way. So, I stopped the car on the side of a road, very near to my office. And, though I think of switching the engine off, I decide against it since I think it would be just a few seconds. (Well, it turned out to be an hour!!!) I ignored the fact that I have a central locking feature and too with security, so it automatically locks after a few seconds. So it did. And while my car keys were locked inside the running car; I was left stranded on that road, without any clue what to do next; the cherry on the cake being the fact that even my phone was inside! Wow! Foolish, huh?? Definitely! But for the record, that's not the most foolish thing I have done ;-P

Coming back to the story, two guys on a bike, stopped and offered to help. They started asking people going by for a foot-long scale while insisting me to call someone I knew. They had to attend a service call. So I searched my mind for a number I could remember...couldn't find any! Then, I remembered a colleague's no., but then, we are not that good friends, or acquaintances either. But somehow, I remembered his phone no. So, I had no choice but to call him. I asked him to call a friend whose details he could find from outlook (bless Outlook!). He did, and so my friends came to help me. Meanwhile many people stopped to help since probably people are a little sympathetic towards a woman stuck in a problem (for whatever reasons). Finally, someone could open the window after an hour of all this drama and struggle; and I drove back home, safely!

So that was the day which taught me a few lessons, the hard way -
Listen to your gut feeling.
By-heart at least one such person's number who can really help you when you are stuck. (So I gave my brother some of my friends' numbers, just in case).
Have to get the on-call on-road service subscription. 

I pray to God to forgive me my mistakes and please not let me learn any lesson in this manner...I am fine with subtleties of life :-)

A Wonderful B'day

So, I am a year older now. Surprisingly, I feel younger! When I was in my early twenties, I used to think that being in 30s would feel not so good...you're growing old...you have responsibilities etc. But when I did get there, it is refreshing and definitely not old :-) There is one thing though - you are mature and you understand things better.

The day started at midnight, with birthday messages and calls pouring in. Well, actually, someone wished me at 11:30 itself, in advance! Then, I was woken up by Sid (my little bro) and mom with a birthday song and ice-cream with candle in it. He made a video of the whole thing as well, and mentioned very clearly that I have turned 31 now :-). Shiku was awake to wish me while Chunchu slept. The messages continued till 1 and I was glad, since it was after so many years (6, perhaps) when my birthday actually began at midnight!

I woke up early in the morning, to feel the fresh air, to see the day breaking and to listen to the chirping of the birds. It was cool and I sat in the terrace just to observe the beautiful day. And the only thought that came to my mind was "Thank you, God!" Of course, later I remembered to ask Him for a birthday gift too :-)


The whole day went by as I had expected - fun and laughter. I cut the birthday cake at office, with my friends. Of course, some part of the cake also landed at my face first, before the rest of it reached everyone's mouth. It was the first time ever that my birthday cake was applied on my face and I wondered how come it had never happened before!

There were calls throughout the day...wishes coming in from far and near. A wonderful lunch with kids and family, then a visit to family friends' house - all of it was amazing. Some calls were expected, some totally unexpected! Some old friends, some new ones...the day was made of lots of fun and laughter...exactly like I wanted it to be. Throughout it all, I felt like a teenager...and, there was icing on the cake too :-)

All in all, a good day! And I wish myself many more such days...

Driving woes...

OK...so it's been about a month since I started driving to office myself. The experience has been mind-blowing, to say the very least...yes, it blows my mind to see how people drive and how they expect others to think of them as the owners of the roads where they tread!
I might be a new driver, but I know the rules and it feels like I'm the only one following them. Only once in a while I meet a sensible person following the rules as much as they can, and I feel like me, they must also be struggling with the decision to become like others (aka reckless and insensible) or to continue being glared and honked at just because you stop at the red-light, or give an indicator while taking a turn, or try to be sensitive towards other drivers or peddlers...
There are things I think are plain common sense, which I wonder perhaps, people leave at their homes when they take on to the road!!! Some examples:

• Aren't you supposed to apply brakes, when needed, or is it a race where the winner is the one who NEVER applies brakes, come what may? So what, if the car right in front of me had to brake because some strayed animal decided to cross the road suddenly?
• Aren't you supposed to STOP when the signal is red, despite the fact that there is no one ahead of you...I mean the signal must mean something. If they wanted you to jump it at every opportunity, why would they put it there in the first place?
• If you are on foot and trying to cross to the other side of the road in the middle of a busy highway, aren't you supposed to look right and then left, and then again right, before you step onto that dangerous road and force each of the moving vehicles to brake furiously, just because you forgot that lesson you were taught in class 1?
• If you bought that two-wheeler thinking that it was your ticket to ride anywhere and everywhere, aren't you supposed to realize that by assuming you don't need any space to move on the road, you are actually putting other people's lives at risk? I see the bike-riders zig-zagging through the traffic, over-taking from the wrong side (that too on a turn!), or hitting your car from behind when the signal turns red! And their argument always is the same, "Why the hell did you apply brakes???" So am I expected to keep moving, probably fly on the top of the vehicle in front of me, just because the honorable bike-rider doesn't want to stop or slow down?
• Isn't it common sense that if I turn on my indicator, I intend to take a turn? Why do people always have to speed at turns, what satisfaction do they get when they are able to stop someone from taking a turn? Does it satisfy their ego, or their sadistic senses to have delayed someone? (BTW, why do they think they are delaying me?)
• Since I am a woman and women drivers are considered to be "bad" drivers, aren't they taking a greater risk if they are breaking the rules while I am on the road...why do they have to apply sudden brakes to see if I can handle the pressure, or cross the road running and grinning at me, or perhaps trying to race with me on their pathetic bicycle? I guess these typical MCPs are just looking for an excuse to comment at me, or mock me...but you should see their faces when the trick doesn't work! I do not pick a fight with them, I do not reply to their sick comments, and I am able to maneuver my car without being hit and without frowning at their desperate attempt to piss me off!
• And then, there are these auto-rickshaw drivers who will NEVER let you overtake them because how can a car, that too a woman's car, possibly overtake them on the highway, while they are busy proving to the other auto-wallah that their vehicle is the fastest?
• Let me not forget to mention those smart ones who will keep honking every few seconds to probably remind you that they are following you, and they hate to follow since they probably own the road and no one else has the right to bar their way, even if there is a traffic jam, or occupied lanes? It is, after all, your responsibility to give them way, even if there is none available. And I so foolishly thought that if I wanted to overtake a vehicle, I had to find space and I had to increase my speed!!!
• Then, there are those who will honk at you when you are buying a ticket at the toll plaza...why, their time is so precious that they expect you to break the signal, damage your car, put your life at risk, break the law, get arrested, do what it takes to LET them go ahead of you? They CAN'T possibly WAIT to let you pass first! Come on, how insensible of you to think that the purpose of the toll bridge was to pay before you used the road!!!

 I could possibly go on and on about how insensitive and insensible people behave while driving, but then my words fail me...there are so many instances and so many types of nerds on the road that I guess I should write a book (will probably title it "Being a Woman Driver in India"). On a serious note, I think Indian government should also introduce driving tests for issuing DL and also, implement hefty fines for those breaking the rules; because they not only put their own life at risk, but also that of others in danger. I, personally, would love to live till I am old, and die amidst my grandchildren (not on road because of some idiot who decided to break the law for reaching 2 min early)!

The Little Things...

Those small little things that make your day, the habits that you don't realize you have, the little gestures that give the bounce back to life...that's what I have been observing lately.

I noticed that since Shiku likes to drink from the water bottle that I carry on my commute to office and back home, I am habitual of leaving some water for him, even if I am thirsty and feel like drinking the whole of it. I love the way he rushes to me and grabs the bottle from my hand, and then gallops the water that I had deliberately left for him. I don't understand what I like about this routine, but I simply miss it when on rare occasions, Shiku is too busy to ask for my water bottle...in that case, I hand it over to him.

I am loving driving these days...I drive all alone...listening to songs on my phone...and I sing along...loud! Since there is no one to listen or disturb...I love it. And there's no one to tell me that I am a bad singer;-) I did not know that I would enjoy commuting alone so much :-) It is one part of the day when I am with myself and not even bothering myself with thoughts...most of the time, I am so focused at driving that nothing else enters my mind...

The routine goodbye kisses to the kids and the predictable way they both react to them...I love that too. Even if I am getting late for work...kissing my kids is something I never leave home without. And when Chunchu kisses me and says "Take care of yourself, mamma" or "Have a good day"; and Shiku copies her word to word (even the tone) feels awesome!

I love it when I cook a meal and my little angels hog it like anything, just because I prepared it! Of course, this bit sometimes makes me a little sad too...wish I had a job where I could have enough time to cook every meal for them! The other day, I made pancakes and they remembered how often I used to make them while we were in Doha...kids remember so many things!

I also love it when Chunchu and Shiku write on the walls. I usually tell them not to, but that's always a superficial advice...in my heart, I feel glad when I see their scribblings on the wall. And I feel even better when they manage to do it secretly :-) Am I spoiling my kids? Well, in this matter, I don't care :-)

Chunchu and Shiku sometimes move around the house wearing my footwear...and they flaunt it, they try to walk like me...it's amazing to see those little cuties running around in my high heels! I also love it when Chunchu wears my t-shirt and shows off to everyone...and the funny thing is she keeps asking me how can my t-shirt fit her :-P (Well, it IS oversized, but she doesn't notice that).

Then, there's is this another thing that I have started observing lately. Recently, I started sleeping with the window open and facing it too. I can see the moon through that window, and when the sky is cloudy, the moon seems very pretty...love the sight!!

I have been watching some movies alone...Friday nights, after everyone goes to sleep and there is peace. Watching a movie all alone is really something!

Enjoying these small things and I wonder...why do we run after those big things which are just few, when there are so many little things to give us happiness!

My 'Little Prince' turns 3!

Yes, Shiku is 3 today! But why do I feel he is still the little boy who used to call me 'mimmi' and looked expectantly at me when I walked into the room?

So much has changed over the last 3 years...Shiku speaks full sentences, applies logic to unfamiliar situations, tries to compete with his sister for everything, and many a times, beats her at it ( though he is younger, thinner, and even shorter)! The one appreciable thing about him is he is very confident. He might be shy in the company of strangers and not talk as much he does at home (well, he is a chatterbox :-)), but the way he carries himself, the way he walks into a totally unknown place, the way he looks around at strange things and develops his understanding about them, is totally amazing.

Yes, every mother thinks her child is a genius and the cutest, so do I. But then, Shiku sometimes does talk like a very intelligent person and do I feel proud? There are so many questions he asks, and I wonder how did he even come up with it! There are so many logics and observations he mentions and surprises me with his innocent yet smart reasoning. There are so many things I didn't know he even knew and he remembers and repeats them so clearly that my heart swells with pride for him. And every time this happens, I utter so many prayers and wishes for him.
These days, Shiku's been learning many new things at school, and he is a fast leaner. But then, he never makes a fuss about anything new that he does. It is as if it is natural, and he rather expects himself to learn new things every day. If I appreciate him for his recognizing 'A B C' or for counting up to 10, he would gracefully accept the appreciation but won't feel too happy or proud about it. Kids mostly feel and show how happy they are getting appreciation from an adult; Shiku never does that.

He is also a very good observer, as most kids are, but he is capable of putting each and every observation of his in clear words. That's what amazes me all the time :-)

A wonderful coincidence that Mother's day and Shiku's b'day coincided...we've been wishing each-other since morning. The most wonderful thing about my son is this. In the morning, when I leave for work, I always kiss the kids goodbye and  ask them for a "bye kissi". Even if he's asleep, Shiku kisses at the mention of this phrase "Shiku, bye waali kissi..." and then, he just goes back to sleep, as if it was an automatic reaction to something that is programed into his mind! I love him for that!

I love him for saying "Good Evening" as soon as he sees me getting out of my car, when I get home from work. I love him for kissing me on my cheeks, on my forehead, on my nose - without any reason, and without even asking for it. I love him for the way he appreciates me, like today he said, "My mom drives very well!". I love him for the way he puckers up his mouth, puts his hand on my face and compliments, "Aap bahut achche ho...". I love him for competing with his sister to get the spot beside me for sleeping. I love him for the fact that he has made at least two lives wonderful - mine and Chunchu's. Chunchu said the other day, "Mumma, Shiku is the cutest!" and today, "Mumma, I love Shiku so much!"

Loads of love and tonnes of wishes to Shiku...have a healthy, happy, prosperous and long life!

Been a while...

Really been quite a while since I wrote on my blog...lots of things happened in last 2 months - some expected, some unexpected...good, bad, routine...

As I always believe, there are so many things to learn from every experience and that's what I have done...learnt a lot during past couple of months. Certain things that keep coming to my mind:

Sometimes, your good friends become your best friends in a rough situation; other times, some of them just stop being around...they might have their reasons, but you learn a lesson in friendship…you know who are/aren’t ready to take pains with you.
 

In different phases of your life, you’re a different person, only with the same basic qualities. Sometimes, you are very patient, calm and forgiving; other times, you might be irritable and unforgiving. When you see the latter behavior in others, try and understand what’s troubling them. And when you see it in yourself, try saying sorry more often…an apology can sometimes save a lot of trouble, and even a relationship.
 

Those who have been there for you, do deserve a second and even a third chance…but those, who despite being given so many chances, do not change…it’s high time they are out of your life. What’s the point of wasting your time and energy on someone who doesn’t care about you?
 

When you expect something out of a situation and that doesn’t happen, you have two choices – change the situation, or change your expectations. For a little while, both the approaches can work, but a permanent solution requires lot of self analysis and perseverance. Sometimes, what seems like the worst situation might bring out the best result possible. And who knows, it might just be a better path towards what you wanted to achieve in the first place! If you think you are in a mess and there seems to be no way out, leave it to God…he knows the best, after all!
 

Whatever the situation; however big the heartache; the words “I understand” do wonders. I have used them very often with my troubled friends and I have seen the effect they have…it’s miraculous how someone feels better just by knowing that someone understands what they are going through. Another phrase that works for every situation is “This too shall pass” – I have used it often to tell myself when I feel that there is absolutely no way out of the chaos life seems to be…there always is a way and if you are courageous enough to follow it, it always leads to a better result.

Many people have told me over the past one year that I am very strong and I inspire them in some way. But sometimes, I have broken down on the slightest of trigger, I have cried for trivial things. Life’s like that…you face the storm with the best in you but a careless remark thrown at you might hurt like hell. So what? That’s part of being humane…it is OK to cry when you feel there’s no other way to get the gibberish out of your system, it is OK to feel hurt when someone says something bad at your back, it is OK to be weak, only if after you’ve cried and felt hurt, you get up once again to face the storm. As they say “The brave are not courageous all the time, they are courageous longer”. As long you have it in you to accept the situation and make the best out of it, there is no stopping you from achieving success on your path.

For the first time, I have learnt to live in the moment, take everyday as it comes. Necessity really taught me an important lesson. In the days when my thoughts drifted to the uncertain future and scared me, I have fooled my mind by telling it – if this is the bottom, the best is yet to come, so be calm; it this is not the bottom yet, then, enjoy it while it lasts.

I have experienced emotions in me that I never thought I had, I have found capabilities in me that I never knew I possessed, and I have also seen in me the bitterness that I could let go. Now, I know, there are moments when you can feel helpless, frustrated and gloomy. But the moments that make the life worth living, surpass these by so big a number that I feel content. Difficulties do bring out the best in you, if you refuse to give up!

Thanking Chunchu

Every now and then, when there are times or moments of sadness, when I am tensed, I feel like thanking one person for the love that is bestowed upon me in those moments when it is needed the most. And that person is - my daughter Chunchu. She seems to sense even the smallest of my unhappiness and somehow, she has this art of making me feel better. She consoles me like a friend and keeps saying, "Mamma, please don't be sad. I don't like it when you are sad. Please smile." It is as if she has this connection with me to understand my feelings without saying. And I always wonder - how can a small child of just 4 years be so sensitive towards an adult's feelings? With Chunchu, it has always been like that. She has always been my strength and my friend whenever I needed one. Now, she can talk; when she couldn't, she managed to make me feel better just by her little gestures.

When Chunchu was more than a year old and I was expecting Shiku, there were days when I would be in lot of pain and was unable to do anything. Though she expected me to be around her all the time, playing with her and talking to her, yet if I asked her to let me rest for half an hour, she would nod her head. Then, she would let me lie down for the next 30 minutes without creating any noise or demanding anything from me. She would keep playing with her toys and if one of them fell, she would not ask me to pick it up, but would continue her own game for 30 min. Just about after 30 min, she would come to me, and would touch me gently, as if to tell me it that it was time for me to get up :-) I never understood how she knew what I said to her, what I meant and how she sensed the duration.

On the night Shiku was born, Chunchu clung to me and refused to let me go when I was leaving for the hospital, as if she sensed that her mom was not going to be home again soon. When I told her that I was going to bring a baby brother for her, she let me go reluctantly but she cried softly. Later that night, when I was slipping in and out of consciousness, the only thought that kept me struggling for life was that she needed me. Whenever my eyes closed and I reached into my subconscious, it was her I saw...still clinging to me. Even now, I remember the dress she was wearing that day and how she was clinging to me. It might sound far-fetched, but I feel that she was the reason I survived. I wouldn't have the will otherwise.

Then, when Chunchu was a little older, and she realized that there was something wrong with me, she would never demand me to take her in my lap, or feed her or play with her. She just knew that I needed rest and that I was too weak to continue with those normal activities. She adjusted very well to the fact that I was in pain and that she needed to stay away from me for a few months.

Even to this day, whenever I have been weak in front of Chunchu, she has always tried to help me in her own sweet way. And when someone teases her saying that her mom is not good, or anything negative about me, she retaliates. She is always ready to fight with anyone who says even the slightest negative thing about me, even when she knows it is being done playfully. She trusts me so much that if I tell her something and someone else says something opposite, she would refuse to believe that person and tell them that they are wrong since I know best :-) Well, at least one person thinks so...very flattering!

But more than that, I am overwhelmed by her behavior when she knows I am feeling low. She tries to cheer me up in her little sweet ways. On those occasions, I feel touched and proud at the same time.

I thank God for such a wonderful daughter. I see His presence in my life through her. It is said that children are His angels. I know my daughter truly is.

The Year that was...

Some years are very eventful in one's life...some of them in positive way, some in not-so-good way, and then, there are others where you can't decide. 2010 qualified in the last category and though it is now over, I am yet to figure how things changed in my life. Lots changed, actually.

I still remember the beginning...when I sat in Qatar in the comfortable couch of my cozy home, I did not know life was headed this way. I think I didn't have any expectations that time. I was just OK to be there, being a home-maker, taking care of my kids. When I look back, I think I was well adjusted to that way of life too. I liked it to an extent, except for when once in a while, I used to wonder if I would ever have a job again.

Long back when I finished college, I was this ambitious girl, having a clear defined path in front of me. But then, marriage took over everything else. Then, I had kids and that girl with a fire inside, was shoved away by the mother that took over. And I was happy. Yet, sometimes, the little girl would raise her head and ask, "Can I come out now? Is it time for me to make a mark?" The answer was always - not now, maybe later. And so went by the days of 2009, and 2010 started on the same note.

Something good happened in the beginning of last year. I re-found the passion of writing and started doing it seriously. I would read a lot, prepare some random notes about things I read, what I liked and what I thought different about etc. Along with that, I started writing in a local magazine in Qatar. An opportunity that meant a lot to me. At least that part was perfect. And I was so inspired, I started working on my novel. Well, all that data was lost but then, at least a path was lit in front of me.

Another wonderful thing that happened was when Chunchu's medicine finally stopped. Oh God, how I had prayed during that entire duration of two years!

But as happens with life, things changed when they were totally unexpected. I came back to India, for good. And began the search for a perfect job. Got one, though I am not sure if it is perfect, but it is good enough :-) My, those days were tough. Job hunting is not easy, specially if you have two breaks in your career, and you have location constraints because of young kids. Yet, as a friend used to say at that time...it was just a matter of time. Indeed it was, but those 3 months seemed pretty long. The afternoons of anticipation, the nights of hard-work paid off and I again found a focus.

This time though something different happened. First, I did not let myself lose the path that I have been missing for so long. So I kept writing. I wrote stories, articles, and even started writing another novel. And I did another thing different this time. I shared my work with people. I have always wanted to be a writer; but for the first time, I actually took some steps towards that dream.

So many other things changed last year. Chunchu and Shiku got busy with school and each-other. They grew so fast this year, or perhaps, I wasn't there to see each small change so it seemed like that. Working mothers do miss a little this and that of their kids' growing years. But that's a sacrifice for giving them a good life. Anyway, I intend to make up for that with my grandchildren :-)

I changed a lot as a person. Perhaps, sometimes tough times brings out a different you, or may be because I read so much that somehow some good things stayed in my mind and helped me get over with tough times and hard realities of life. They say you mature with age, I think it is the situations that make you what you become. And yes, for the first time in so many years, I learned to be happy, despite the external factors. I learnt so many lessons in life in this past one year that would have not happened had I not taken one necessary step of courage. I am glad I did.

Difficulties also bring opportunities along. And sometimes, they bring back to you some old friends too. New ones came my way and old ones came back. And there were those who had stayed and remained. There were those who I thought were very good friends and who suddenly turned away...to disappear. As I always used to say - friends are for phases. They go away when one phase is over, but those who stay across phases are the ones that are to be cherished. And if you find even one such friend, you are lucky!

Though there have been bad days and very bad days, there have been good days and wonderful days too. And the fact the latter have been more frequent and more in number makes it all worth it. There have been struggles, external and internal, yet the result they have produced are good to see. I have learnt to be in touch with myself, I have learnt to accept life's challenges with a smile, I have learnt to look inside myself for the push to go on, I have learnt to live one day at a time and I have once again learnt to enjoy the peace that comes from the knowledge that someone is looking after you. They say tough times make you closer to God. It is true, but they also teach you to be closer to yourself - this I have learnt.

Another small first that needs a mention here - my car! Sometimes, materialistic things do make you happy :-)

2011 also has a lot in store and I can already see it. I am looking forward to whatever life offers me - good, bad, lessons, learning, joys, disappointments...it's a package deal after all!

My First Car!

Today, it arrived...the much awaited and much dreamt of...my very own car! How we used to dream of owning a car when in college, but the day arrived 8 years after passing out of university and 4 jobs later!
The decision seemed to be an easy one, the factors being budget and utility; also, my not being that crazy about these things also helped. Yet later, it proved to be a very confusing one.
And you know what, for the past one month, there are only two things I noticed on the roads...how people drive and what they drive! Anything that caught my eye and made me think "do I want to be its owner?" culminated into a research about that particular make, its price, features, etc. But there were constraints (read financial), so I decided on every middle class car-buyer's choice in India...a Maruti Alto (I thought of going for a little higher version though, K10). Then, I told myself for a week that this car served my purpose, was affordable, and demanded very less maintenance. Then, one day, too many Santro owners praised it so much that I went to this Hyundai showroom and got the estimated price (quotation, as we call it here). But then, I thought, it is the same kind as K10, then why spent extra money on it? I was confused again!
Then, at one point I even dreamt of buying sedan cars, of course with dad's help. I went from showroom to showroom to get quotations for various makes and variants, getting more confused by each passing minute.
Yet, suddenly, the search ended on my first choice itself...no, not an Alto (that was a thought-out decision, but my first choice was what I bought finally)...the Hyundai i10. And, the color was what I always have dreamt my first ever owned car to be...red!!!
So, we went to take the delivery today...waited there for like 2 hours while the dealers engaged themselves in last minute formalities, and I was thinking "Wow...finally I am going to be a car owner". So we (mom, dad, Chunchu, Shiku, me and Prashant) brought the little beauty home and was I thrilled, excited, ecstatic...whoa! I am so proud of myself! Well, will be more proud when I fulfill the other dream...but anyway, today I am happy. So are the kids! And that is what matters most!
So...three cheers for myself...and a prayer to God - thank you Lord and help me pay off the loan fast :-)

2011 is here :-)

First of all, a very Happy New Year to all!

The year that passed was a very interesting one...it brought many changes with it...changes in my life, and within me. There are things that have evolved over a period of time, and I am glad that I am able to see life in a different way. Perhaps, it is just the wisdom coming with age :-)

Last night, to end the year with something good, I did something I like...what else...read a book! This one was again by an Indian author and it was called 'It Happened that Night'. It is about a love story in the Ahmedabad riots. It is a good read. When I was discussing this book with a friend, I just casually mentioned to him that I am really interested in reading Indian authors these days, perhaps to know what kind of books are published and are successful in Indian market. Somehow, getting my work published is the foremost thing on my mind. Anyway, so I told this to my friend and his answer was perhaps the best compliment I could get. He said, "I was reading this thing you wrote about having a bad day and I thought that this work does not seem like written by an amateur writer. It seemed like a work by a seasoned writer, hence you need not worry...your book will definitely be published." Well, may be he said because friends encourage their friends. But he said he meant it. It makes you feel wonderful when those who matter believe in you.

Of course, many of my friends and relatives have read and liked my stories, my articles etc. But most of them have just said something like that I wrote good etc. Yet there were some wonderful compliments in the past too, which deserve a mention here. A  friend had said that I should have been a writer, not an engineer, and I should take writing professionally. Then, another one had told me that I write so well that I am already a professional writer. One of the colleagues had recently mentioned that he liked my stories as well as my style of writing and he thinks that I should write more often. All these have been encouraging words that have inspired me many times.

So my biggest wish for myself this year is that I publish my book and it is successful. I want to hear similar comments as above, from strangers as well.

You know what could be the biggest compliment for me? When my children grow up and boast to their friends about their mom's books! That would be the ultimate reward. I wish!

So, coming to the new year 2011. I wish that this year brings more prosperity and peace to the world. I hope there are more constructive decisions made than destructive ones, across the globe. Coming to more selfish things, I wish India wins the Cricket World Cup (at least for Tendulkar's sake)! More selfish wishes - there is one more name added to the list of the famous writers of the decade :-)! My children are healthy, happy and prosperous forever! And last but not least, I wish that everyone gets loads of happiness and there is lots to spread around too.

To end this post with a borrowed quote: "There is no real ending. It's just the place where you stop the story." - Frank Herbert