Almost all parents will agree with me when I say that there are times when you simply cannot fight the urge to raise your voice at the kids, particularly young kids. I myself have struggled with anger when dealing with my 1 and 3 year olds. I was forced to take action to deal with it when my husband pointed out to me that my daughter has started yelling a lot as she was imitating me at the unconscious level. Here are the few important tips all parents can find helpful.
Take care of yourself
Let’s face it. We are cranky on some days as soon as we get up in the morning. My observation about myself and of other mothers brought out this to light. We are more irritable towards small things that kids do when we haven’t had a good night’s sleep or a healthy and filling breakfast. Skipping sleep and meal should never be an option for anyone, especially for mothers. We derive all the energy to go through the day from a good rest and a good meal. So sleep sound and eat well.
Sometimes, when you are feeling down for no reason, you can pep yourself up just by dressing stylishly and even putting on some nice hairdo. When you know you are looking good, you feel good and hence are less irritable.
Walk it Up
No, I am not talking about doing exercise. That is good in any circumstance; but what I am telling you is really important when dealing with your kids. When they are not in your sight, just move a bit and get to the place they are in. If you want to give some instruction to them, do it face-to-face rather than shouting from the kitchen, or some other room. This ensures that the kids are receptive to you and you yourself are speaking in a calm tone which in turn will make sure that you don’t lose it at the slightest hint.
It is irritating when you enter into the scene where the kids are already fighting and yelling and crying. But your shouting would really not help the situation; rather it would increase the general mood to petulant. So, just walk up to where you are standing facing them, and they will pay attention. It works most of the times with me. Try it and it might work for you too.
Be Aware of Emotions
When you are always aware of your emotions and feelings, you tend to be more in control of yourself. Awareness means defining to your mind what emotion you are feeling at the moment. There is no need to analyze and judge. When you start looking at your emotions as a third person, the intensity of the emotion fades away. Like, when I start sensing anger in myself, I observe it and tell myself I am feeling angry. Suddenly, I am not so angry and I can willingly change the emotion. The next thing I tell myself is that I am also feeling good about this awareness. That’s it. There goes the anger out of the window.
But you have to be careful with this in the sense that you should not repeat a negative emotion, like you should not keep telling yourself “I am angry. I am angry.” That will strengthen the anger. Just tell yourself once and then tell something else. This is the key.
The ‘3C’ Tactic
This is something I worked out myself. When I feel I am getting angry, I start reminding myself of the 3 Cs – calm, control and care. I tell myself I am calm and in control of my emotions and I care for the kids. This works like a magic. Sometimes, I just repeat it throughout the day, and it has got built into my subconscious mind. Now, as soon as anger surfaces, the ‘3C’ tactic triggers automatically.
Set Goals
When I started working at controlling the yelling, I failed miserably within the first 3 days. Then, on the 3rd day when I had yelled once, I told myself sternly that I was done for the day and whatever happens, there would be no more shouting for that day. And this I did for next 3 days. On the 4th subsequent day, I did not have the need to yell even once to tell myself that I was done for the day. So, if you cannot stop the yelling in one go, try limiting it. And slowly, when you see that the kids become more receptive when you are calm and other good effects, you will stop the screaming eventually.
Stop being the Perfectionist
When I did an introspection of myself, I realized most of my frustration came from within me and from the fact that I want everything to be perfect – perfectly clean house, impeccable dresses of kids, everything in its right place, no untidiness and no messing around. But it doesn’t work that way with small children. They will mess up things, they will spill food and beverages, and they will throw around their toys and clothes. So what? They are kids! Yes, that’s exactly what I told myself and since that day, these things started mattering less and less. The house can be cleaned later, things can be arranged afterwards, but once the kids grow up, they will never be kids again. As soon as you realize this, you will not feel angry at them for just being kids.
Do not Plan
Contrary to what some people might tell you, it is better not to plan ahead when you have young kids in the house. Almost always, your plans do not work out, leaving you feeling frustrated and the urge to yell when things don’t get done as you had wanted them to. This does not mean you cannot have a to-do list. You should but do not keep it time bound. And keep ticking off the items as and when you find time for them. When I do not plan exactly every hour of the day, I am more relaxed as there is no pressure to finish certain tasks at certain time and yet I find time to do everything that needs to be done. And I am always relaxed.
Do not Impose
One more thing that I realized as a result of analysis of my own self was that since I am very critical about myself and have expectations from myself, I tend to behave the same way with others, even the kids. I burdened them with my expectations and pushed them to behave like grown-ups for no reasons. Of course, they could not fulfill these responsibilities. And that made me furious. For example, I told them to keep their toys back before they went to sleep and I tried to make it a rule. Do kids ever follow rules? Well, so mine didn’t and that triggered yelling. So I stopped myself and changed my manner. I still ask them to keep their toys back, and either I or my husband helps them in that. Also, if they say an outright ‘no’ I just tell them that I will do it for them this time and next time, they should do it themselves because it’s a good thing to take care of their own things. They invariably start helping me instantly. So sometimes, it’s just the way you present it to the kids.
Keep it Brief and Clear
Kids do not understand complex sentences. If you want them to pay attention, just make it simple and brief, instead of rambling on about good manners, right and wrong etc. We might not realize this but all of us tend to ramble on and on when we are upset. The kids just shut you out at such a time. So tell them clearly and in short what you want them to do. Also, if you use lots of requesting words like please, could you etc., the kids appreciate the fact that you want their help and they rush to help you.
Get a Hobby
Find some time, even if it is only 10 minutes, during the day to do something that you really enjoy. It might be reading, writing, music, dance, bird-watching, anything in the world. Just do what you love for a few moments during the day and you will feel refreshed and relaxed. This will help you stay calm for the rest of the day. Remember, when you indulge yourself, you boost your sense of well-being and that helps control anger.
Acknowledge you are Humane
And finally, just know you are humane and hence, tend to slip sometimes. Once in a while, if you lose it, just let it be, and do not spend lots of time on worrying about it. The best thing to do in such a situation is to just walk up to the kids and confess that you were upset and you lost it; and you are extremely sorry for that. If you hug them and kiss them after a screaming session, they might just remember the latter. Just because they are kids, they will always forgive you and may be when they grow up, they will remember this and learn from you.
Take care of yourself
Let’s face it. We are cranky on some days as soon as we get up in the morning. My observation about myself and of other mothers brought out this to light. We are more irritable towards small things that kids do when we haven’t had a good night’s sleep or a healthy and filling breakfast. Skipping sleep and meal should never be an option for anyone, especially for mothers. We derive all the energy to go through the day from a good rest and a good meal. So sleep sound and eat well.
Sometimes, when you are feeling down for no reason, you can pep yourself up just by dressing stylishly and even putting on some nice hairdo. When you know you are looking good, you feel good and hence are less irritable.
Walk it Up
No, I am not talking about doing exercise. That is good in any circumstance; but what I am telling you is really important when dealing with your kids. When they are not in your sight, just move a bit and get to the place they are in. If you want to give some instruction to them, do it face-to-face rather than shouting from the kitchen, or some other room. This ensures that the kids are receptive to you and you yourself are speaking in a calm tone which in turn will make sure that you don’t lose it at the slightest hint.
It is irritating when you enter into the scene where the kids are already fighting and yelling and crying. But your shouting would really not help the situation; rather it would increase the general mood to petulant. So, just walk up to where you are standing facing them, and they will pay attention. It works most of the times with me. Try it and it might work for you too.
Be Aware of Emotions
When you are always aware of your emotions and feelings, you tend to be more in control of yourself. Awareness means defining to your mind what emotion you are feeling at the moment. There is no need to analyze and judge. When you start looking at your emotions as a third person, the intensity of the emotion fades away. Like, when I start sensing anger in myself, I observe it and tell myself I am feeling angry. Suddenly, I am not so angry and I can willingly change the emotion. The next thing I tell myself is that I am also feeling good about this awareness. That’s it. There goes the anger out of the window.
But you have to be careful with this in the sense that you should not repeat a negative emotion, like you should not keep telling yourself “I am angry. I am angry.” That will strengthen the anger. Just tell yourself once and then tell something else. This is the key.
The ‘3C’ Tactic
This is something I worked out myself. When I feel I am getting angry, I start reminding myself of the 3 Cs – calm, control and care. I tell myself I am calm and in control of my emotions and I care for the kids. This works like a magic. Sometimes, I just repeat it throughout the day, and it has got built into my subconscious mind. Now, as soon as anger surfaces, the ‘3C’ tactic triggers automatically.
Set Goals
When I started working at controlling the yelling, I failed miserably within the first 3 days. Then, on the 3rd day when I had yelled once, I told myself sternly that I was done for the day and whatever happens, there would be no more shouting for that day. And this I did for next 3 days. On the 4th subsequent day, I did not have the need to yell even once to tell myself that I was done for the day. So, if you cannot stop the yelling in one go, try limiting it. And slowly, when you see that the kids become more receptive when you are calm and other good effects, you will stop the screaming eventually.
Stop being the Perfectionist
When I did an introspection of myself, I realized most of my frustration came from within me and from the fact that I want everything to be perfect – perfectly clean house, impeccable dresses of kids, everything in its right place, no untidiness and no messing around. But it doesn’t work that way with small children. They will mess up things, they will spill food and beverages, and they will throw around their toys and clothes. So what? They are kids! Yes, that’s exactly what I told myself and since that day, these things started mattering less and less. The house can be cleaned later, things can be arranged afterwards, but once the kids grow up, they will never be kids again. As soon as you realize this, you will not feel angry at them for just being kids.
Do not Plan
Contrary to what some people might tell you, it is better not to plan ahead when you have young kids in the house. Almost always, your plans do not work out, leaving you feeling frustrated and the urge to yell when things don’t get done as you had wanted them to. This does not mean you cannot have a to-do list. You should but do not keep it time bound. And keep ticking off the items as and when you find time for them. When I do not plan exactly every hour of the day, I am more relaxed as there is no pressure to finish certain tasks at certain time and yet I find time to do everything that needs to be done. And I am always relaxed.
Do not Impose
One more thing that I realized as a result of analysis of my own self was that since I am very critical about myself and have expectations from myself, I tend to behave the same way with others, even the kids. I burdened them with my expectations and pushed them to behave like grown-ups for no reasons. Of course, they could not fulfill these responsibilities. And that made me furious. For example, I told them to keep their toys back before they went to sleep and I tried to make it a rule. Do kids ever follow rules? Well, so mine didn’t and that triggered yelling. So I stopped myself and changed my manner. I still ask them to keep their toys back, and either I or my husband helps them in that. Also, if they say an outright ‘no’ I just tell them that I will do it for them this time and next time, they should do it themselves because it’s a good thing to take care of their own things. They invariably start helping me instantly. So sometimes, it’s just the way you present it to the kids.
Keep it Brief and Clear
Kids do not understand complex sentences. If you want them to pay attention, just make it simple and brief, instead of rambling on about good manners, right and wrong etc. We might not realize this but all of us tend to ramble on and on when we are upset. The kids just shut you out at such a time. So tell them clearly and in short what you want them to do. Also, if you use lots of requesting words like please, could you etc., the kids appreciate the fact that you want their help and they rush to help you.
Get a Hobby
Find some time, even if it is only 10 minutes, during the day to do something that you really enjoy. It might be reading, writing, music, dance, bird-watching, anything in the world. Just do what you love for a few moments during the day and you will feel refreshed and relaxed. This will help you stay calm for the rest of the day. Remember, when you indulge yourself, you boost your sense of well-being and that helps control anger.
Acknowledge you are Humane
And finally, just know you are humane and hence, tend to slip sometimes. Once in a while, if you lose it, just let it be, and do not spend lots of time on worrying about it. The best thing to do in such a situation is to just walk up to the kids and confess that you were upset and you lost it; and you are extremely sorry for that. If you hug them and kiss them after a screaming session, they might just remember the latter. Just because they are kids, they will always forgive you and may be when they grow up, they will remember this and learn from you.
