Stuck Waiting...

Today, its exactly 2 months since I quit my job...two months since I stopped commuting to office for a routine work. Well, I do not regret it but I am now tired of waiting...first for the passport, then for the visa!
As I mentioned in my last post, I am in love with Qatar. I am longing to go there, start my life again, and I feel I am stuck in the 'no-life zone'!

Before, I had a routine, kids too. Now, all we do is lazy around the house, waiting. Everyday, I think today might be my last in India, and I will miss it. But then, by evening, I am robbed of my emotions 'cause I do not understand how I should really feel...enjoy the last few days here, doing nothing or be worried about how less time I would have to settle everything down before I begin my stint as the working-mom avatar in Qatar. I no longer know how I should feel everyday, or every moment of the day!

You know, when you are going away and you have a date, you can keep your emotions at correct places, but I am lost since I do not know when. I am sure when it happens, it will not give me any time to ponder or feel, but right now, I am nowhere. Friends and relative ask - "when do you leave for Qatar?" The response is always the same, has been for last two months - "I don't know!" But these days, I add the f-word in the sentence, only in my mind of course! And then, there's a flurry of 'whys's and 'what happened's. Most of the conversations are spent in explaining to them the story of last two months - that figure again!!!

OK, I have tried to make fun of what I have been going through and I guess I am feeling better now. I was so sad since morning, not because of the waiting only though. There is another downside of having too much time on hands to kill. I read the whole newspaper and of course, it is not full of good things. There was an accident because of speeding, people killed! Then, more horrifying rape cases all over the newspaper. A 6-year old, a 16-year old, a mother...the country seems to be dismissing them as minor hitches in the otherwise glory that our nation seems to be attaining...WTF!!! Why don't we fear the boundaries anymore...and think like that about a little girl who probably wouldn't understand what happened to her but what would leave her scarred for life! How can anyone be that devilish? How can anyone do that to a child, or even to any woman? And why do they do it? If you want pleasure, there are other ways to get that...why do you have to spoil someone's life for a second of giving into your carnal desire? Don't these people ( I hate to call them people, they are worse than demons) stop to think or feel for a moment what their action can cause, how they are making the other person go through hell, for no reason? How do these victims recover and can they actually fully recover from such a ghastly event that happened to them? These are the times when I start to question the presence of God. How can He let that happen? And sometimes, I wonder if God is really a man.

I feel so helpless and so worthless when I know there is a woman or a girl out there who is suffering so much and I cant do anything to make her feel better, what will all my prayers do for her? Would she ever heal? Would she ever trust, have faith, or even have a life? I wish for a world where a woman's modesty is never compromised and a human being is never murdered. Is that even possible?

Or an evil thought - what if the roles are reversed for some time and men are supposed to be guarding their modesty and women could harm them the way men have done for centuries? God, are you listening?