A Conversation

As I do the usual household chores today, my thoughts are anything but usual. I feel a respite from the tiredness of yet another sleepless night, by engaging myself in some physical activity. I would like to rest on the weekend, do nothing and relax. But my thoughts are far from relaxed. In fact, my mind is under tremendous stress and tumultuous questions keep arising which I have no answer to. This is in light with the recent fire in a shopping mall which claimed 19 lives, 13 of which were children aged 2-5 years. How can any mother have peace when there is another mother who is grieving because she lost a child or lost all her children (there were 2 year old triplets who died in this fire)? How can I relax when inside my heart, I am suffering with the pain of those mothers who will never see their children again, who will never hear the cries, laughter, complaints of their beautiful kids who were the biggest source of joy in their lives? I feel there is a ‘more humane’ part of me that is conversing with the ‘regular humane’ part of me and asking tough questions. I am not able to answer them. Can you?

The More Humane Me (MHM): Why haven’t you shed the tears that you so want to cry? Why are you not talking about this to anyone? How can you continue with your mundane life after such a tragedy?

The Regular Humane Me (RHM): I am not sure how to react, for past 3 days, I have not slept properly but is how I feel really going to make any difference to anyone?

MHM: Perhaps your feelings might not make a difference to the world, but did you try? Did you try to find out what you can do? Did you try to ease the pain of fellow humans?

I start crying and all the stress that I was carrying for past few days flows down my cheeks in form of tears yet after crying my heart out, I do not feel any lighter.

RHM: Why don’t I feel better after crying? I was holding these tears and thought that they were the cause of my misery. Yet when I released them, I am still as miserable as I was.

MHM: You were not miserable because of your sorrow at what happened; you were miserable because of your inaction. Since you have still not accomplished doing anything, you are feeling despondent.

RHM: I don’t understand what you want me to do.

MHM: I am you and I am also suffering. First, I want you to say aloud what you are thinking. I want you to accept what you have feeling, and I want you to feel OK about having these intense feelings for someone you don’t know. I want you to stop feeling guilty because you think you are over-reacting for something that directly doesn’t concern you. Why are you so scared to accept that you are hurt, that you are sad and that you can feel the pain of the people who were affected by that tragedy? What are you afraid of?

After this, I could not find a difference between the MHM and RHM, and all I could hear was what was coming out of my head, my heart and even my mouth (I am not sure about this last part since I lost account of the difference between my words and my thoughts; I could hear everything very loud).

“I am more shocked than scared. I am not able to fathom how anyone, including me, can go back to their normal lives when they know what happened has destroyed the definition of normal for so many families? I am shocked because I am sure not only this could have been avoided, but also because no one around me seems to think of it as I do. I see it as a betrayal to those wonderful children, who had just begun their lives. I see it as a shame to this society in particular, and to humanity in general, to not only allow such an event to happen, but also to continue with their lives pretending that nothing is wrong. I am shocked because we discuss the ‘event’ with our peers, tell sad tales and show how much we read about the incidence, and then, we just forget the feeling of sorrow and sympathy. What did we actually do about it except for ‘feeling bad’ for the families of the victims. Is this what the children would have expected from their care taker adults (meaning all adults), when they were trapped inside that hot room full of smoke? Will they ever be able to forgive us if they knew how little we care? I am not able to understand the reaction of people after the incidence, why is anyone not affected? Why are we so callous unless something hits directly at us? Can you imagine what the thoughts of the people would have been in those last moments? Can you feel even a minute part of the agony they must have felt in their last moments? And were those innocent little kids even aware what was happening to them? Was this unawareness a blessing for them since they did not know that death laid ahead? Or was it the worst way of learning and knowing about death? Did they cry for their mothers and fathers in those last moments? How would anyone know? How would anyone comprehend this even in their worst nightmares?

I am also sorrowful with those parents who lost the apples of their eyes, and those families who lost someone they loved as their own life. Will life ever return to normalcy for these families? Will they ever be able to answer the question why it happened? And will I and they be able to get an answer to this question, I ask God after every suffering I see in this world– why and how could He let it happen? Now, in most ways when something doesn’t work the way we want to be in our lives, we tend to think God must have some other plans; He does. But when such a tragedy hits several families at a time, then I am forced to question Him. I have immense faith in God and that is precisely the reason I don’t comprehend how He can let his creations suffer like this, especially young and innocent children. The vivid pictures of those kids crying keep moving about in front of my eyes and I don’t know when I will be able to come out of this shock. And, what about the families of the victims? Will they ever be able to get over with this misery and will they ever be able to find answers to their questions. I pray to God to be with them in this suffering.”

MHM: So you are suffering too in the pain of fellow humans. But what are you going to do about it? Everyone is going on with their lives as if nothing happened; everyone has gone back to the same routine of their mundane lives. What about you?

RHM: What can I do? I too have a life and a family. And regardless of whatever I feel, the life goes on, for everyone. What is it that I can do will make a difference to anyone’s life? Is there a way I can provide comfort to these people?

MHM: I am asking the exact same thing to you. Are you willing to find that way? Are you ready to make a difference?

RHM: I don’t know. And even if I wanted to, what can I do?

Life goes on. That’s the ultimate truth of our existence. Life never stops in one moment; it has its own pace. But I am still not able to decide what could I do or have done to help anyone who is in pain; what can I do to ease their agony; what can I do to make a difference?

Most ordinary human beings, like me, have these thoughts I guess. Perhaps the intensity of the feelings might vary; may be the amount of time spend in reflection about any such event might be different for different people, but I am sure every single human feels for others. But most ordinary humans have limited means to do anything to make a difference to the society and world at large. Yet, we have to begin from somewhere…take that first step…