Another Year older

When we are children, all of us look forward to growing up fast. We want to be adults, take our own decisions and feel that it would give us a lot of freedom to be a grown-up. Little do we know that the most freedom we experience is when we are young and there are only a few things like studies and friends to worry about. As we grow older, we tend to become slaves to our habits, thinking, attitude and worst, to the norms of society. We lose the freedom to live our day as we wish, since we have so many responsibilities to take care of. First there is job, then marriage, then children and so on. When this happens, we want to go back to being children! I guess that's how it is with most of us.

I also go through these thoughts once in a while when I look at my children and see how free they are. Their problems are really so small (of course, they seem to be big to them) and how simple it is to resolve them. When Chunchu asks my advice on something in her school or shares her concerns over her friends with me, I think about how I used to feel about these things at her age. These little things seemed to be overwhelming and I understand what she must be feeling. Hence I tell her that I also went through all this and I assure her that however big these problems look, they will pass and she will be at peace again. She believes and becomes her own happy self again. How simple it is to be content at that tender age! Sometimes, I wish I could be so content, happy and believing and now, I am ready to give up on this 'grown-up' thing to achieve that peace. But I know, it is impossible. You can never turn back time.

Irony of life is that we always want to be in some other time. Yet, I now understand one thing. If I lose this time in thinking too much about how much I would like to be in some other time, then there is a high probability that 10 years from now, I would be thinking of coming back to this time :-) So I try to be happy within this moment and do my best of what I have learnt from life.

I remember when I was in my early 20s, I used to feel being above 30 would mean being old. In India, anyways when people have children and when they turned 30, that is what they used to say. I heard my parents say it, some relatives say it and many acquaintances say it. But surprisingly, I don't feel that I am old because I am over 30 and I already have children. Of course, some people I meet give me that expression of "How old is she...she has 2 children!" Most of them tell me, "You don't look that old!" And I am like, "How old don't I look?" I never think of this as compliment and many times, I tell them my age. Wouldn't it be better if they just asked straightforward! And the truth is there are some people I know who haven't started a family though they are as old as I am and many of these women who have asked me this question are themselves just 2 years younger to me! Well, we Indians are like that - hypocrite and nosy! Anyway, that's not the point of this post.

I am rejoicing in the fact that I have what I can call a content existence in terms of job, family and ordinary things of life. But as I grow older and I realize that time is flying by, I feel some part of me is calling out to me. It keeps nudging me and I know it's right in asking me how many of my goals I have been able to fulfill. In my growing up years and now also, I have always felt the suffering of people across the globe whenever I read about these things. I am particularly touched by any injustice happening to women and children. I feel God has blessed me with so many good things in life, isn't it my duty to spread that happiness and goodness to others. It is not about making a difference at a large scale, but if each one of us can give back to the society just a little bit, the world would be so much a better place to live in.

Some people spend years in finding out what they want to do, and then there are others like me who know, yet are not doing it. Isn't that worse? There are so many reasons and excuses I give myself - I have a family to take care of; I have children and hence, duties; I have to first be somebody etc. I am not sure if these are legitimate doubts or if I am just being lazy to make drastic changes in my life. But sometimes, I really wonder, what if I postpone all the wishes and ambitions to tomorrow, and there is no tomorrow? What if I suddenly depart from this world, and I haven't fulfilled what I really wanted to? My hubby has an interesting theory about this state of mind. He asked me if I do die suddenly, would I repent all that I haven't done? I replied of course not, since I would be dead and there is nothing after that! So he quips, "Then, why do you worry so much about all this. Be content!" :-)
Well, that's what exactly I have to learn and achieve, perhaps through following my dreams!